A charming jester
by The Swordslinger
Summary: "Getting to know people, making them feel at ease around you, and making sure you have a mutual understanding works wonders in life. Sadly, I can't say I'm the good one out of us. I will be complete." Naruto always had two sides, when he loses one and his emotions, both end up in very different worlds with odd challenges. Gray Yami/Dark Naruto x harem. Light Fairy Tail bashing.
1. Jester and Servant

I OWN NOTHING

I decided to get my priorities straight for this fic right from the start. If I make a villainous protagonist, I better get that much started so people may think I think before act- oh look, puppies!

 **Warning to Lucy-haters** : I like Lucy, out of everyone in Fairy Tail, she acts the most like a normal person with struggles and goals. She deals with her father's ways, losing her loved ones, and tries to find joy in life. She's at least relatable because she shows vulnerability but still tries to overcome her weaknesses, whether it works or not. Certainly better than having Erza be strong only to have her later as Kyouka's sex slave.

 **XXXXXX**

 _Howdy._

 _Hmm, not much for conversation, are you?_

 _Well, I can talk since you seem interested in this story of mine._

 _Have you a sibling, by chance? Whether you do or not is fine._

 _You may relate to the feeling of having someone in your life that you feel takes the worst path for every choice they make._

 _If not, at least you may have seen people act that way. In case you feel that is how you live your life, hey, I can relate too._

 _Ah, but where are my manners?_

 _See, I want to introduce myself, but it's hard._

 _How can you say who you are when you aren't whole?_

 _And that's where my little story about a sibling starts making sense._

 _I was born as a part of my sibling, someone who I can't find anywhere in this place._

 _I was made to carry all the hatred, sorrow, despair, and all other such negative feelings for him._

 _Then we had a fight, and we had it at the worst time._

 _He was facing some ridiculously powerful yet admittedly well-developed bunny goddess._

 _No, I am not pulling your leg._

 _Point is, we fought at the worst time, when she was about to try to consume our life while warping through dimensions._

 _One thing left to another, and now… I'm alone. I'm stranded in a world not my own, without a sign of a familiar face or place._

 _Though, if I was someone else I may have been furious to be stuck in a new world._

 _Honestly, I'm fond of not being stuck in a world where everyone I knew would've been burnt to death by yours truly if I had a chance._

 _However, I can't find them, but at least I'm me, or as much as I can be._

 _Wherever they are, though, I'll find them. After all, I need to finish some business with them._

 _One of them locked me in a cage, forcing me to endure a hatred beyond limits, while the other crafted this life for both of us._

 _Now that I can be my own self, even if I lack my other side, I can choose what life I want._

 _And I'll start that life by making fools of those that play with the lives of others, enjoying their tears with a nice glass of wine._

 _Looking for a job in a new world can be tricky, but I managed._

 _Just using the right words, the right tricks, and those lessons from the academy about how to manage a village do help. It's boring, but it pays._

 _And hey, I found someone I hate far more than everyone I met back at my own world here, and many people here are just like that._

 _There are far too many people like him, but I'll enjoy this life with a happy face, and their fate at my hands with a true smile._

 _I may have found the answers I wanted in the government, learning from them of the guilds that work for this world._

 _One in particular irks me, but it has some secrets I could use for when I meet my old friends._

 _But for now, I'm stuck behind a desk, reading about some new girl…_

XXXXXX

Seated on a simple office room with a simple door, his name on the door's window, and boringly staring at documents was a blond man. He was in his early twenties and looked both at peace and plain bored. A light tan showed he enjoyed the outdoors, his deep blue eyes gave him a serene look, and the six birthmarks on his cheeks resembling whiskers made him look a tad silly. With a strong jaw, lean face, blond hair in a mop, and thin but strong frame he easily made some ladies heads' turn. His outfit consisted of a set of brown business pants and opened coat, matching work shoes, and an orange button-up shirt.

On a perch by the door to his office was a fedora that matched his coat, and a lone red scarf, which he went to grab after putting down the paper on his desk, "I believe your lunch break doesn't start until later."

He put his hat on and the most charming smile he could muster, "Ultear, my dear, fancy seeing you drop here. I was going to eat, yes, but something caught my eye." He told the voluptuous woman before him with a soft, warm voice after wrapping his scarf around his neck, "Wendy Marvell… Quite a cute thing she is. Being part of a guild that's just appeared in the map, though, now that's something that begs me to investigate."

"For an inspector you don't have to be so thorough, just check what people say about them, that's all the council wants." The woman asked as she adjusted a white lace keeping her long black hair in check. Her pale skin and sharp brown eyes gave her an aura of cold beauty, but she possessed a warm smile aimed at the blond.

"And leave a job half-done?" he asked in mock-hurt before tipping his hat up to show his warm smile, "I'm afraid you take me for a man who likes to overlook little details in his life. After all, I didn't get this job for nothing, and you know it, my dear."

She giggled, "For a young man, you are quite incredible. You appeared out of nowhere as a sixteen-year-old, and now are one of the council's best administrators, and quite strong."

He playfully took off his hat and put it on his chest before bowing, "Too kind, your words are too kind and fairly touching. If I didn't know any better, I'd say you want to date yours truly."

She placed a handful of papers on his face, smiling sweetly, "Better luck next time. I just had to hand you this before you go on your little excursion."

Taking the papers off his face and eyeing them, Naruto sighed, "Phantom Lord once again love to make my life miserable. It's about time someone put them in their place." He said tiredly and placed his hat back on his head, tipping it up yet again to show his face to her, "But of course, for the council it's better to keep them and Fairy Tail at each other's throats."

"That's the kind of people that make the rules, sadly." She answered and turned, closing the door behind her.

Naruto closed one eye and his expression changed into a lopsided smirk, like a fox pondering what part of his prey to devour first, "You say that, but you try to change the rules yourself, sweetheart." He put the papers down, and with a cloud of smoke an exact copy of himself was left with the paperwork, "Once you finish, make sure to keep an eye on Phantom Lord to dig more dirt on them."

The copy waved dismissively while the real blond walked out of the large building he worked at, walked to a simple white moped, put a pair of black goggles with round yellow lenses, and drove off. In a world with magic motorbikes, it wasn't odd to see a moped zip past people at high speeds. Even less weird was to see the man gripping the handles.

Ultear watched him speed off from a window in an office high above the ground with another man, a young council member with spiky blue hair and a tattooed face, "That Uzumaki is a real piece of work. If he did not have such a competent record, I could try to shake him down and see what he plans."

She sighed, "Trust me, I have tried." She stared at the man drive off, "Not a single clue of who he is or where he came from, he's just a man that at sixteen started to get promotions but enjoys a quiet life. He doesn't seem to have big ambitions, but it could be a façade. Naruto Uzumaki. Single. 21 years old. It's like he's content with the place he has in this world, but that smile of his and the power he has say he's not normal."

"We will keep an eye on him to make sure he doesn't step out of line." The tattooed man added before asking, "So, this girl, Wendy Marvell, what could have caught his interest in her?"

"Her magic abilities as a healer, perhaps." Ultear commented.

After taking in the sceneries, enjoying the ride, and finishing the last of a sandwich he bought from a store at the nearby city, Naruto was in front of a desolated ghost city with a small cat-shaped building. Said place was the guild's headquarters, and as he enjoyed the last of his meal there was no doubt he was standing out. Like a sore thumb, he was easily recognized amidst the people in odd tribal clothing. Their stares were all over him as if trying to determine whether he was real or not.

So, with his most charming smile and closed eyes that gave him a foxy appearance, he took off his hat, placed it on his chest, and bowed deeply, "Good day to all. My name's Naruto Uzumaki. I'm an inspector that works for the council and news about this guild and a member caught my interest. I hope I'm not being rude asking to see one…" he pulled a paper from his coat and studied the name and picture, "Wendy Marvell."

"That's… me." a small girl with blue hair done in long pigtails, adorable ribbons that gave her a rabbit-like appearance, and a white dress approached him shyly.

He smiled and kneeled before her, hat still on his chest and his eyes remained closed, "What a pretty thing you are." He playfully opened an eye and grinned warmly, "Don't worry, dearie, I'm not going to hurt you. Even if you're adorable enough to eat, I promise this will only be a series of easy questions and nothing to sweat about."

"Wait there." A female voice said strongly, and Naruto stared at a tiny white cat that stood on two legs with a frown on a face that only heard of smiles on books, "How do we know you're not a phony?"

Chuckling and playfully wincing in mock-hurt, Naruto answered her warmly, "Ah, the little lady makes a fine point. Sorry, it seems that some days I forget my manners. Please don't mind, and here." He handed them a small business card with a red spiral on it and his name written, "My business card. Take it, I have a handful of those for any occasion."

Wendy accepted it and felt herself blush as she stared at the handsome man's warm smile, "Thanks, so… uh… Mr. Naruto, what questions do you want to ask me about?"

"Normal stuff." He said and pulled out a notepad and pen, "Your time in this guild, powers, and personal info. You're free to keep quiet about it, and I won't mind since some mages are entitled to keep their abilities secret if it can harm their performance."

"Hold it there, buster!" the small female cat walked to him, not even reaching his knee, "Just handing us a card isn't proof that you work for the council!"

Naruto closed both eyes, sighing, "I guess this is my luck with smart ladies, it seems. Too bad, because I like girls with smarts." He opened his eyes with a soft expression on his face, "I can see you at my office if you want proof of who I work for. Just handing the guys at the entrance my card works to get to see me."

"Wait, you don't have to go!" Wendy said, mortified, before turning to her feline partner, "Charla, you didn't have to be so rude!" she still looked worried, not angry.

The cat turned her nose, "Sorry, but it's just that you can't trust a guy that smiles that much! He didn't even get flustered or change expressions when I suspected him! Who does that?!"

Naruto chuckled and patted the cat's head gently, "My, you're a sharp one! If you were human and around my age, I'd be delighted to get to know-" he stopped petting her when seeing her claws out, "Well then, I guess I should know when I'm crossing a line. Sorry again."

"I'm not trusting Wendy around someone whose smile feels so fake…" Charla warned him.

Naruto decided to stop playing around, and opened his eyes ever so slightly while smirking, giving himself a look fitting a malicious fox or a cunning snake, "You don't get to where I am by being idle, little lady. I may not look like it, but I'm a guy who dislikes finding bothersome things in life." He stood up and his smile returned to his warm one with his eyes fully opened, "I just don't have much to worry about, yet."

Charla felt goosebumps shake her spine up and down at what felt like a threat but also a declaration of the man's confidence in his strength, all while giving away his power. Just that one sinisterly foxy look on his face said a lot, yet it felt like he was just amused. Like seeing her try to be a thorn on his side was getting him to chuckle like some good joke. Despite how odd he acted, she didn't know if she could call him evil.

"Yet?" Wendy asked, breaking Charla out of her trance.

He chuckled and waved a hand dismissively, "Sorry, I didn't mean to make it sound like you'll be trouble, I'm talking of a guild that is a pain on my neck…" he sighed and rubbed the back of his head through his hat, "I shouldn't be complaining, but I can't help but vent a bit when I get the chance. Uh, sorry, we are supposed to talk about you."

Blushing and smiling at his friendly attitude, Wendy had him follow her to an empty seat, "Well, I don't know if you've heard, but I am mostly a support. My abilities are meant to heal others… I don't like fighting to be honest, but I can hold my own with wind magic since I am a… a Dragon Slayer."

Naruto started to write it down and arched a brow, "A Dragon Slayer? Huh, you know, you're supposed to be rare, but I seem to find many of you all around. Phantom Lord, Fairy Tail, and now this place. And that's not even starting on the ones that are half-baked…" he mumbled but then slapped his forehead, "Oh right, sorry, our interview. Again, sorry, I can't get my mind on you even if I want to with how cute you are."

Wendy blushed and looked away, "It… It's all right, mister. I, uh, don't know what else to say."

He put down his notepad with a smile, "Then let me say I wish more Dragon Slayers were like you. Polite, gentle, and adorable." He petted her head, and in turn her face grew hotter while her heart skipped a beat, "You needn't worry about fighting or the likes, I can see to it that you get clients that could use your abilities better after I hand my report. Though that part of being a support intrigues me."

Looking down at her feet while her thumbs were too busy rolling around each other as she twiddled them, Wendy tried her best to answer, "I… I don't like to, but I can fight. My wind magic can do some damage if I use it right, and I can be of use against others that use wind."

He chortled, "Now that's a fun ability given what I can do!" he kept open a single eye and smiled warmly, "I wish I could test that out, but I don't know how you could handle me, and I wouldn't want to hurt a little lady. For now, I think I'll handle my report. Talking to you really helped me see what kind of girl you are, Wendy. You really are a treat."

As he stood up and walked to the exit with a friendly wave, Wendy spoke, "Uh… um… will you come back?"

He smiled back, "Sure, if you want me to. Take care. You too, little cat lady." He took off his hat and, with his eyes closed, put it on his chest and bowed deeply before leaving. Once near his moped, his smile turned into an amused dark smirk, "A Dragon Slayer who is a cutie pie of a wind user, huh? It seems I should visit more often; she is quite naïve… wouldn't want her to end up around guys worse than I."

XXXXXX

Meanwhile, in another realm…

Another blond was having an odd day. He was an exact copy of the inspector we saw before, only difference being that his hair was pulled back in a spiky mane, and he was dressed formally yet flamboyantly. With a dress orange shirt, black gloves, a white dress vest, black dress pants, an elegant yellow tie, and black and white dress shoes, he looked like a very colorful butler. He even had a monocle over his right eye. However, his face was the definition of stoic. Not an ounce of humor could be seen in it, and his sharp eyes didn't pay much mind to anything, or so it seemed.

As he walked through a castle with a tray in a hand lifted beside his head, he checked a golden pocket watch on his pants pocket, which was chained to his waist with a gold chain, "I have to deliver refreshments for the queen, what are you doing here?"

The figure he was talking to was a hulking humanoid covered with black fur and with a panther's head. His entire body was covered in thick armor, and a massive sword rested on his back. He stood far taller than the butler, but it didn't faze the blond as he stared unemotionally at the anthropomorphic knight. And said knight gave a nod to his side to a red-haired woman in an armor of her own and with a glare.

"King Faust wanted to show his concern about the queen's health." The redhead, who was a stunner with a curvaceous body that her armor showed off, started, "After all, the Exceed are treated as deities for their abilities, and he'd be sad if she were ill. It's been far too long since we last saw her amongst her people."

The butler walked past them, and before the redhead could yell at him, he answered, "Tell the king he has nothing to worry about while I am at Her Majesty's beck and call. And if you wish to continue this chatting, follow me. Her tea is getting cold and the cheese I got for her crackers is still fresh."

The redhead did as she was told, though reluctantly, "Tsk, does he ever show any emotion?"

The larger knight answered her, "He's not a bad guy regardless of how cold he seems. Naruto Uzumaki, age 21. When he appeared as a sixteen-year-old here before the queen, he didn't have any idea of how this or any other place worked. However, he was taken by her out of the kindness of Queen Shagotte's heart. The man may not have emotions, he even claims he lost them, but there's a heart of justice in him."

The trio arrived to a large throne room where a female cat very much like Charla sat on a throne in thick robes. Only her head was visible and her face was adorned to make her look more like a deity than royalty. As one, the two knights bowed before her, and the butler merely continued his walk before setting down the tray of treats in a nearby stand before making the tea right on the spot.

"My apologies for bringing them uninvited, my queen." The butler bowed his head as he handed the feline monarch her cup, "King Faust had concerns regarding your health, so I brought them here."

The queen nodded, "Thank you, Naruto, I know that man has his own problems already." She said her worlds carefully before blowing on her tea while the blond sliced the cheese for her crackers, "But I know you wouldn't bring them before me out of the blue."

"I can never escape you, can I?" he asked without a hint of sarcasm, "True enough, I thought seeing Panther Lily could cheer you up."

She smiled at the taller knight, "Indeed. It has been a while. How have the humans treated you?"

"Very well, Your Highness." The panther man answered, "Though rumors about your well-being were worrying more than the king, I among the many. I can now see that rumors are just that."

"Indeed." The butler said calmly before turning to the redhead after putting thin slices of cheese on the queen's snacks, "You can see she's doing fairly well, Lady Knightwalker. Shall I escort you two to the exit?"

"Actually, I came here with a request of my own." The redhead said as she stood up, clutching a spear in her hand, "No one knows for sure, but there are rumors that the queen of the Exceed has not only a butler, but a bodyguard. I wish to see how good a human has to be to serve Her Majesty."

Panther Lily was outraged, "Knightwalker, you can't be serious! Put your weapon down this instant and-" and he stopped talking when the butler appeared at his side in an instant, a hand on his shoulder.

"Allow a simple butler to deal with this." He said while adjusting his gloves, "After all, I also need to crack a few joints into place."

The female knight smirked, "I shall enjoy this."

Naruto slowly raised a hand to his chin, "Since you've travelled all the way here, be my guest and let me…" when he put it over his mouth, three throwing knives popped in between his knuckles, "…entertain you."

Annoyed at the fact that the butler's facial expression remained on a dull serious face, the redhead dashed at him. She held her spear with both hands, expecting him to throw the knives in order to deflect them. It was a shock to her to find that he simply dropped them, he just loosened his grip and let them fall when he was a couple of steps close to her.

"Your tricks won't work!" Without thinking twice, the female warrior threw her spear at him to impale him through the chest, and that was when she lost.

Her eyes widened when he not only stopped her spear by swatting it aside with a hand, but he kicked the knives right at her. Her initial reaction was to yank the spear to block them, but he had already gripped her weapon and kept it tightly in place. Without any other option, she jumped back and let go of her weapon, which he then proceeded to throw at the red-haired knight's feet.

He stared at her and threw something at the redhead, which she caught baffled, "My apologies, I didn't want to aim at your face, just your hair."

She gasped when feeling her own blood drip down her cheek from a cut, and stared at him with both anger and, dare she admit it, awe, "I see you're not here just because you serve good tea."

"May Her Majesty and the heavens forbid my usefulness is restricted to tea time." He told her in his monotone and put his arms behind his back, "I'd like to know why King Faust would be concerned with my queen and her health. I mean no offense to him or the crown, for I am human, not an Exceed. I cannot ask for such a thing, but I am curious. He's been very reserved lately."

"The fact Her Majesty has been reserved lately is what worries the king." Panther Lily answered the butler, who gave him a court nod in appreciation.

"You have my thanks, now…" he pulled his pocket watch and sighed, "It is almost time for the queen's bath time. If you'll excuse us, I have to prepare her tub."

The two nodded and left awkwardly, to which the queen commented, only after they left, "You never bathe me or keep schedules for my hygiene, so what is the matter?"

He adjusted his monocle and approached her with his arms behind his back, "I have kept my eye on the king, Your Highness, I-" she raised a paw to silence him.

"Please, do not address me like that while we're alone as friends." She told him and smiled softly.

He didn't bat an eye but nodded, "Forgive me, then. I am not used to people treating my kindly right from the start. Odd as it is to arrive in this world and lacking so much, it is something of a relief to have you."

She closed her eyes sadly, "As it is to have you. But I still feel like I am taking advantage of you."

He placed a plate of crackers with cheese for her to enjoy, "Enough of that, I chose this. I may not have my emotions or be… really myself after that encounter with my other self, but you are too kind for me to just leave alone with someone like Faust." He adjusted his tie as he stood straight, "Perhaps I lack the ability to feel, but I can still tell the difference between good and evil. With or without empathy, I can see the man has a soul more putrid than a pile of puke. His stench is certainly disgusting."

She blushed at his words, "My, for not being someone with anger, you certainly are… very vocal about your opinions."

"I guess I still keep that part of me that dislikes those who are cruel but cherishes those who show kindness." He kneeled before her and refilled her cup with more tea.

"I do not deserve someone like you at my side." Was her answer as she felt her humble nature bring a few tears to her eyes.

He caressed her cheek with the back of his hand to keep any tears from staining her face, "Do not worry, my queen, I promised to help you no matter what, and I am not the kind of man to break his word."

"Thank you…" she answered fully heartfelt.

XXXXXX

"Boy do I have a killer sweet tooth." Naruto mumbled as he drove by the streets back home, "I'll give the cuisine here a thumb up for having way more flavor than normal ramen, but it makes it hard to choose…" he slowed down near a bakery where the smell of freshly made chicken sandwiches with hot sauce hit his nostrils, "Ah St. Gentlemen Bakery, you always know how to make me happy."

As he walked in, passing by a man dressed in a colorful suit that was taking his time choosing his meal, he grabbed what he wanted for dinner and was ready to pay.

The rest of his day would have been uneventful, but, "Ah, someone took the last good sandwich and left one with a hole." Naruto noticed that the man that paid after him was leaving in a hurry, "Ugh… I wanted to taste the famous chicken sandwich at least once…"

He saw a very busty blonde with her hair done in adorable pigtails, her breasts threatening to pop out of her white top, and warm brown eyes. She looked distraught as she seemed to contemplate whether or not to get the sandwich with a hole, and he looked at his with freshly baked bread. As the playful bastard that he really was, he felt tempted to eat it and ask her what was wrong after taking a bite, if not for her hand.

"Fairy Tail?" he noticed the pink emblem on the back of her hand, and while confused he decided to see what was going on, and to earn some charisma points, "Well, that's unfortunate but fortunate for you, little lady." He approached her with his hat tipped up and his warmly smiling fox face, "St. Gentlemen only makes those sandwiches in the morning and afternoon, so if you want the fresh ones, you're out of luck."

The girl sighed, "I see, the-" she was surprised as he handed her his meal, "Huh?"

"Don't worry, it's not a problem. I just want to talk with you." He started.

He shouldn't have been surprised when she moved into a defensive stance and looked for something in her pocket, "Stay back, you weird old man?"

"Old?" he asked with a perfectly acted chuckle, "I'm twenty-one. Anyhow, I just want to talk with you. I'm an acquaintance of your guild." He handed her one of his cards, "Name's Naruto Uzumaki, inspector and administrator at the council. I usually deal with the toughest guilds, yours included."

The girl read it and pocketed it, "I see, still, you don't seem like an inspector."

"Have you ever seen one?" he rhetorically asked, "Most guilds are either somewhat reasonable or at least follow the norms. Guilds like Fairy Tail are a danger to walk in."

She paled at some memories, "I can't argue with that. So, Mr. Uzumaki, why do you want to talk to me?"

He put his hat on his chest and bowed a bit, "Just consider it an informal interview to get to know better a new mage in the system. After all, I'm not one who wants to overlook details, and even less when there is a pretty lady around."

His words caused the girl to blush and look away, very flattered, "Well, you're certainly a decent gentleman. Oh!" she clasped her hands and bowed her head, "I am Lucy Heartfilia, nice to meet you and sorry for not introducing myself earlier!"

He put his hat back on, making sure to cover his eyes as he processed her last name, "Heartfilia, huh?" he knew she was worried with how he said her name, so he tipped up his hat and smiled warmly, "That's an odd name if I can say so, and I'm named after fishcake. Sorry, a girl of the heart, huh? You certainly look cute and energetic enough to be that."

She felt herself blush again, "Thank you, Mr. Uzumaki. So, um, where do we start?"

"How about after I get myself something else for dinner in the park outside this place?" he asked and patted his empty stomach, "I'm craving blueberry pie all of a sudden."

Later, they sat on a bench with the blond enjoying a slice of blueberry pie with a plastic fork and Lucy trying to contain herself from finishing her sandwich too fast, "Alright, what do you need to know?"

"Well, for some reason there are guys at the council that ask for the three measurements of each adult girl that pop in, but I'm not them." He answered with a shrug and noticed the girl's eyes twitching as her hand reached for her pocket, "Worry not, I make sure to put the word 'secret' in each slot so whoever wants to know shuts up about it."

She relaxed a bit, but her hand remained near her pocket, "Why bring that up?"

"Some of the guys at the council try to get the pretty girls into being models." He answered matter-of-factly, "I bet you know a cute lady called Mira at your guild, right? She's the face my bosses want people to put together with your guild, not some of the… more energetic ones."

She groaned, "You could call them destructive and I wouldn't object."

"See, that's part of the job, I can't talk too badly about anyone or I get into trouble." He sighed and pulled out some papers after setting his half-eaten slice of pie on his lap, "Feel free to fill that one if you are tight for cash and feel like you have what it takes. Now, the real meat here is asking about your abilities? You can keep quiet about it in case it can harm you or reveal some secrets that could harm your performance."

"I'm a Spirit Mage, so that's kind of self-explanatory." She answered, and his eyes lit up.

"Really?!" he chortled, confusing her, "You're the first I've met that isn't a…" he rubbed the back of his head, "Well, you're the second one I've met, and the good thing is that you aren't like the first one."

"How so?"

"Well, she wasn't the nicest of people, she even used one of her spirits like some… pimp, for the lack of a better word." He let his act slip as he could growl in anger, "It may disturb you hearing me say so, but it's no wonder that not a single soul mourned her when she died."

Lucy was frozen in horror, "E-Even so, to say that of some-"

"Sorry!" he returned back to his act, rubbing his face tiredly, "It's been a long day, and… No, there's no excuse. That lady was a piece of work, using a poor female spirit despite the poor sweetheart's protests like a two-bit…" he let his face fall into his hands, "Sorry again, the memories really irk me."

"Then let's change subjects." He heard the shift in her tone, she was more sympathetic towards him, meaning she also felt angry hearing the story.

Taking a deep breath, he rubbed his face a bit more to hide a smirk at another memory, ' _It doesn't hurt that I took cute little Aries-chan's key from that witch._ ' He thought and resisted the urge to pat his shirt's breast pocket, "So!" he returned to a calmer appearance, "You rely on your spirits to do most of the fighting, so it must be tough to be among some of Fairy Tail's… uh…"

"Strongest?" she asked, confused.

He nodded, "I tried to say elite, but you can see why it's hard to even call them the best." He looked up, "Well, actually, the really good ones are mostly the girls. Mira's great and a love, Erza is tough and her attitude of no-nonsense really helps, Levy is adorable and at least tries to be polite… and now there's you."

He was happy to see her smile, "Do you always flatter girls?" she didn't seem to mind he did.

"I like to think of myself as a professional charmer." He snickered a bit, "One needs to know his way around people in this line of work to get something done, and it helps greatly when I have to see pretty faces."

She giggled but nodded, "Thank you. So, what else do you want to ask?"

"Nothing too serious or invasive, just a simple summary of what you can do will suffice, and I'll handle everything." As the two talked and enjoyed dinner, the blond pondered on what to do with the pretty girl. She had some interest abilities, summoning spirits of all things, and was quite lovely, "I think I got it… Would you mind me seeing you in action?"

"What?" she grew worried, "You know the mages at my guild and how dangerous they are, and you want to tag along?"

He smiled, pulling out one of his cards, "I may be an office worker, but I got my tricks." He threw the card, nailing it to a tree with some wind chakra. Lucy was impressed already, but she'd have been more had she seen him cut a mosquito perfectly in half with that throw.

Surprised, Lucy put some thought into it, "I'll talk this out when I get a mission, alright?"

He beamed, "That's good enough. See you tomorrow, then. Oh, and if you want, I can treat you to lunch."

Her cheeks grew red and a smile spread on her face, "Thanks."

With that said and done, Naruto walked to his single-room apartment. Nothing big or out of the ordinary, just a small cozy home with everything he needed, and a perch to put his coat, scarf and hat on. As he sat on the sofa he stared at a single key in his shirt's breast pocket with a ram horn design. Tiredly, he used it and saw a girl that could only be described as fluffy and cute. Long pink hair, a curvaceous petite body that could make any man and even some women happy, and a shy expression on her face were what he needed to smile. He didn't mind the ram horns or wool dress that seemed designed to make her more sheep-like.

"Ah, Mr. Naruto!" she blushed and bowed to him, which made him smile.

"No need to be so formal, Aries." He started and eyed her with his friendly attitude, "Say, I met a Spirit mage just today, and was wondering if, after everything that happened, you'd be interested to hear me out."

She looked away, "But why…? After all that happened and how mad you seemed about her-" he cut her off with a hand on her head while standing at his full height. Aries blushed even harder as she tilted her head back to look at the taller man whose warm smile had her heart skip a few beats.

"I won't force you to anything, but if you want to start anew with a proper mage, I may have found the proper one." He offered her a seat and walked to his kitchen, "How's green tea sound?"

"Oh! Uh… lovely!" she curled into a ball on his sofa, her knees on her generous bosom.

He handed her a cup while the water boiled and sat on his couch before her, "After recovering your key from that site, I knew I wasn't fit to have you around. Sure, I summon you, but it's not like we have a contract. If anything, I'd say we're just friends who like to chat. Well, I do, in exchange for knowing more about you spirits."

She was captivated by his warmth and nodded, "Because you're so kind, caring, and…" she blushed, "You… really took care of me after that… event. After everything that happened, you could just sell me, but you have kept my key safe to look for a good mage for me. I fully trust your judgment with all the effort you've put into making me feel happy."

He chuckled, "It's the least I can do for a pretty thing after what happened to you at the hands of that b-" he thanked his lucky stars that the pot's whistle stopped him from breaking character and cursing, "Sorry, I'll be right back." After swiftly filling her cup, he continued, "So, would you be interested in getting to know her? At least after I make sure she's fit for you."

Aries was confused, "But didn't you say you found the right one?"

"I said I may have…" he shrugged, "I can't really let the same story repeat itself, so I want you to accompany me to see how well she does and hear your thoughts." He sealed the deal with a playful grin, "I really do want to see you happy for a change."

Hiding her beet red face with her cup, Aries nodded while looking away from him, "If… If that's what you want, Mr. Naruto, I wouldn't mind."

He grinned and closed his eyes, really happy with himself, ' _This could be interesting. Helping Lucy to get all the gold keys could give me access to see what these spirits are like, and perhaps even learn how to be whole once again without needing him._ ' He slightly opened one eye, giving himself a predatory look that Aries didn't notice with her cup on her face, ' _And with all the people playing around, pulling strings behind so many, I'd be glad to know if they have ways of making them regret their existence._ '

XXXXXX

"Your Majesty, there's really no need-"

"Shush, I can't have you work for me and not worry."

In her massive chambers complete with a bed that would be too big for a human family, Shagotte was busy moving her paws over Naruto's body, her paw pads hovering inches from him. He sat on the bed and felt slightly bored as the queen without her robes tried to tend to him. Worry was all over her face. Her hands glowed with energy to see if he was injured or harmed in his latest battle.

"If Erza had harmed me, I would have known." He reasoned, but to no avail.

"And I can't be sure that King Faust didn't order that kind of fight to get one over you… Ah!" her gasp made his head turn as she pulled out a tiny needle from his arm.

He arched a brow and rolled his sleeve to see… not a single sign that it had been there, "Was that really there, or are you-"

Her glare said she wasn't kidding, "This needle has some sort of ointment on it. Whatever it is must have dulled your senses when it pierced your skin. Who even knows what it may have?" she threw it down and he let out a sigh of relief as he moved his arm.

"My arm feels a bit lighter…" he opened and closed his palm and smiled, "If it was poison, my body must be dealing with it. I'll give Knightwalker credit for being sneaky, but the question at hands is: what to do?"

Shagotte put a paw to her chin, pondering, "The king will think he poisoned my bodyguard… Why not let him think so?" she told him with a slightly devilish grin.

"You have your mean side, my queen. Can't say I blame you considering who we're dealing with, though." He told her and she smiled warmly, glad he was safe.

It was an odd friendship both had, but they knew things would get crazy sooner or later.

 **XXXXXX**

And that's my rap!

I say very often that the girls in Fairy Tail are the more developed characters, because I can sum up Natsu as being an idiotic hero, and he mainly wins because… magic. When you go, "it's magic, I don't have to explain shit" then you should know that you're digging yourself a grave. Jojo's Bizarre Adventure may be ridiculous, but they keep a consistent tone with the absurdity in it where I can believe playing poker can kill.

Speaking of Jojo, I hope you noticed the references. Kira Yoshikage as a villain is a gift to this world for being so oddly refreshing. So taking a few tips from how to write villains from Jojo, I want to make Yami/Naruto here as falsely charmingly phony as fuck. Reason being that, as he said, he doesn't feel like he has much to worry about in his life and it's all mostly a game to him to reach his simple goal.

 **WARNING** : Wendy will be in the harem, but she'll be in after the island trial arc, in which she'll remain out to age into her adult/Edolas form. Relax now if you felt uncomfortable about her crush on the inspector.

 **WARNING 2** : Queen Shagotte has a human form to be with the butler, so you can relax since I'm not weird enough to make a man fuck a cat. Really, some anti-furries didn't get past the first chapter and already told me to kill myself, thus why I put this here.

Swordslinger out!


	2. Player and Gambler

I OWN NOTHING

Someone told me that Erza is tough, and I fully agree that she's cool. The problem I have is that despite being strong she still ends up beaten in ways that would fit in some dark hentai, i.e. as Kyouka's prisoner.

 **WARNING** : If any of you wonders, here's a heads up, Queen Shagotte will have a human form. Think a mixture of Felicia the cat girl from Darkstalkers with Morrigan Aensland's more mature features.

 **XXXXXX**

Parking his moped at the entrance of Fairy Tail, Naruto looked at the large building and mentally prepared himself. On his breast pocket was where he kept Aries' key safe, and he had his pen and notepad ready on his hands. Any and all sane person would start writing reports about the guild even before entering if the first thing they saw was one of their mages fly through a door over their heads.

Already ready to take notes, Naruto tapped the paper with the tip of his pen and a tired smile on his face, "Be strong, Naruto, you're doing it for Aries-chan." He told himself and put on his hat before tipping it up, "It's not like they're an actual problem."

After saying that and stepping in, he was face to face with a gigantic man with muscles over his muscles roaring at the top of his lungs, "And you dare call yourselves men?!"

Naruto tilted his head to the side to avoid a punch from him, keeping a friendly smile, "Good morning, Elfman. I see you are your usual… energetic self." He quickly wrote a report on the near assault on his person.

The giant ignored him and kept trying to fight two other mages, "Say that again and fight me, punks!" he swung his fist back, and the blond ducked under the swing while holding his hat with one hand.

"Easy there!" he said with his smile not falling off.

Elfman finally noticed him, and aimed an angry finger at the inspector, "You! You're that sleazy inspector courting my sister! I won't let you set a foot here even if it costs me my place in this guild!" he transformed his right arm into that of a monster to punch Naruto with.

The blond snickered playfully as he jumped over the large arm and landed on a table, sitting on it with one leg crossed over the other, "Is that it? You should know I like to get along with everyone, it's part of being in my line of work. Besides, could you blame me with how pretty Mira is if I actually tried to go out on a date with her and that gorgeous smile?"

Elfman grew even more furious and was about to pummel the inspector, but a voice stopped him, "My, Mr. Uzumaki, as much of a flatterer as always." Said a beauty with white hair that cascaded down her back, a bizarre ponytail on her forehead that spiked up, and the body a model would kill for.

He grinned while Elfman froze in horror, "S-Sis, I was just-"

"Elfman, please leave the inspector be. I'm sure he has business here." She said with a warm smile.

Elfman tried to protest, "But this playboy could-"

She smiled wider, her eyes closed to give herself a more motherly look, "Elfman, I wouldn't go out with someone just like that. You know Loki tried and failed. Now, please leave poor Mr. Uzumaki be."

Elfman ran off, which got a chuckle from the blond, "I wish I knew how to do that. Well then," he hopped off the table to sit on a chair with his hands and chin resting on the back, "as you said, I do have business."

Mirajane, for that was her real name, smiled, "Pasta?"

He grinned, "You know me too well, but that's not it… Well, not entirely." He broke into a sheepish laugh, rubbing the back of his head with a relaxed smile, "I wanted to see the new addition at work, so I just had to come and see her pick her next mission. Spirit Mages always fascinated me when I first heard of them, which is pretty much why I'm doing this."

She nodded and turned, "She's a good girl but is still new to all of this, so I hope you watch over her." As she walked behind a counter to get his order ready, she spoke when hearing him walk close behind her, "Just do me a favor and see if you can help her with Natsu."

Naruto resisted the urge of making fun of how obvious that sounded, "Huh, what did he do this time?" he asked amused and intrigued.

Mira giggled innocently, "He's been entering into her home without permission."

"Invading private property and possibly stealing given his appetite and lack of manners to even ask for something with a common please, got it." He wrote down in his notepad and gave her a tired smile, "It's like he enjoys giving me extra work. It pays well, but I think last time he was involved in something I had to explain why a ship arrived into dry land while every single person that lived nearby was crying for blood."

"You don't sound surprised." She somehow remained peppy.

Putting his notepad in his coat and sitting down on a stool, he gave her a carefree smile and shrug, "Every rumor about him disregarding the safety of the public and causing countless property damage is what brings food to my table." He propped his head on a hand and looked at her cook his meal, slightly mesmerized by her figure, "I understand good old Makarov's philosophy, but here Natsu gives me reasons to differ."

Out of the corner of his eye he saw a guy with wild pink hair, a white muffler, blue vest, and ballooning white pants cracking his knuckles as he stood behind him, "Yo, Naruto, ready for a proper fight?"

Turning around and tipping up his hat to show a beaming smile, the blond declined, "I wouldn't wish to be a bother to Mira when she's doing me a favor, so please-"

"Come on, don't be chicken!" the pink haired young man shouted, fire engulfing his fist, "I saw how strong you can be, so let me fight you!"

"You wish to fight an inspector who works for the council, Natsu?" the blond asked casually with a chuckle.

"Yeah!" the pinket, Natsu, hollered, "Let's go right here, right n-" He found one of Naruto's business cards glued to his mouth to keep it shut, stuck to it with chakra.

Naruto turned to Mira with his usual sunny disposition, "When do you think Lucy will arrive? I talked with her yesterday and really wish to see what she can do."

Mira gave him a friendly smile as both ignored Natsu's attempts to yank the paper off his mouth, "She's usually here early, so it shouldn't be late before-"

"Pah!" Natsu burned the paper and was glaring at Naruto, "That's it, I'm taking you down now!"

He tried to punch the blond, who casually brought up an arm to block Natsu's fiery punch inches from his face without losing his smile, "I can see how Levy can deal being here with two good friends. How does Lucy survive the usual Fairy Tail madness?" he asked before swinging a foot back to stop Natsu's kick, slamming his heel on the mage's shin which got a pained yelp.

Mira didn't let her smile fall as she added spices to the pot of pasta, "I can see your point. Being here can be dangerous, but it adds a spice of fun to life."

Naruto casually slammed a hand on a nearby tray, making it flip in the air before he caught it to block a large fireball from getting his head, "Mira-chan, please give it to me straight because after dealing with a lawsuit for a ship that somehow crashed on dry land, I'm not surprised by much in this life…" his smile was amused and he wasn't even sweating despite Natsu's attacks, even though the tray had a big smoking hole in it, "Do you know if she has a team here already or are her spirits the only team she needs?"

He was hoping it was the latter, but Mira's noticeably strained smile said no, "She is often seen with Natsu when they… actually, he always drags her on missions."

Naruto flipped the broken tray in his hands to block a punch from the pinket, "It's never easy being around you Fairy Tail guys, isn't it?" he didn't even sound tired, more like amused as he kept using the tray to stop each and every single punch from Natsu, "I am actually surprised she has lasted this long with someone like Natsu taking her on missions. Then again, she must be tough to survive that kind of thing."

"Dammit, just take me seriously and I'll kick your ass!" Natsu roared after he destroyed the tray, but found Naruto's hand on his forehead keeping him at bay. The blond was taller and with longer arms, so he didn't put much effort in keeping Natsu back singlehandedly like a bully in a playground.

Naruto sighed and read the menu with his free hand to wonder what drink to order, "See, my job has me being nice to many people and to try to say as many nice things as I can. I can't just go beating people every time I disagree with them. It would be very ungentlemanly and would make me feel bad… Hmm… Cider sounds lovely for your pasta, Mira."

"Got it, I'll make it fresh just for you." She answered cheerfully before getting some fresh apples from a barrel.

While Natsu flailed to try to hit the blond, Naruto stood up. He was happy to be taller as an adult, towering over the pinket, and even happier to be able to turn him around so he kept flailing at the air. Natsu's eyes were closed, so he didn't see what he was trying to hit until Naruto let go of him. The pink haired mage kept hitting nothing but air while Naruto waited for his meal, tiring himself and giving the blond some peace.

"What a beautiful day…" Naruto whispered as he watched Mirajane cook his meal, "I wonder if there's a better time in life than enjoying a pretty girl's cooking."

Mirajane giggled, and that had most mages in the guild seething with rage at the blond, "I would worry if you ever got a girlfriend and she heard you talk like that to every girl you met."

"My special one may understand it's part of me to try to be polite." The inspector countered, "After all, I may complain about Natsu's destruction, but I still try to be nice by not insulting him. Give me some credit, Mira, I try my best to be nice to everyone I meet and may work with."

"That is a good point." She replied before serving him his food, "But being too charming may work against you, given how many women out there get angry if men try to be polite to other women."

"If a lady would get mad at me for trying to be nice without a second thought then I guess she's not worth dating." He calmly answered, "I've read enough manga as a kid to know that tsunderes are unreasonable. They can be tolerable in some cases, but when they exist just to make some random guy a punchline, that's when the story loses me."

"You're right, though in this guild I guess that kind of attitude would be justified." The two looked at Natsu as Mirajane continued, "One time he tried to watch Erza bathing he almost died, and yet he tried again."

"I am unsurprised." He calmly said before digging into his pasta while she readied his cider, "Speaking of our dear Titania, though, are there any news about her?"

"My, my, do you miss her?" Mirajane asked playfully.

He grinned and closed one eye, "Am I making you jealous?" the two laughed heartily, though some of the mages around them cringed when seeing Mira grip an iron mug so hard that it bent in her grip.

"Mr. Uzumaki, please don't joke about it!" she giggled while throwing aside the useless mug and got him a new one, "I'd rather be single before pondering what man I'd wish to be with. Although I wouldn't mind a collected gentleman such as yourself, but with better tact."

He winced in mock-pain, grinning cheekily at the end, "Ouch, I'm going to feel that in the morning. But really, I'm just glad to be around you, Mira-chan. You make my day a lot brighter with just a smile."

She decided to keep playing her game, "I thought you only came here for my food."

He widened his grin, feeling like he was fishing and got the biggest catch, "That's the bonus, Mira-chan! The bonus! Just being able to chat with Fairy Tail's beauty is good enough to put a dance routine in my day. A chance to see you and enjoy a good conversation after long days locked at the office is what my soul needs. I couldn't imagine a better girl than you to find peace of mind."

And, true to his words, he was about to dance when seeing her blush slightly before she giggled, "Please, stop. We should get serious since Lucy is about to arrive." She felt tempted to say more, but Natsu got tired.

The pinket panted, not having noticed that he still kept his eyes closed while hitting nothing but air, "D-Dammit, so tired! Urgh, how do you like that, you snob?! I bet you're tired dodging all my attacks!"

Naruto turned to the nearest mage, a brunette with a long mane of hair, tight jeans, and a bikini top that left nothing to the imagination, "Does he even know what snob means or has someone taught him it, Cana?"

Cana, who had a mug that was basically a barrel of booze, shrugged, "It must be one of those words kids are throwing around and he took just to try to feel smarter when insulting someone."

He smiled softly, "So you don't know what it means either." She chugged her booze, saying no with that action.

Mirajane giggled, "I think you should humor him, Mr. Uzumaki, he's just so tired."

He tipped down his hat and sighed, "If it's your command…" he leaned on the counter, "Oh my, Natsu, I am so, so tired from avoiding you. Like, really. You nearly got me." He said flatly, grinning at the lovely barmaid.

Natsu, though, had the biggest grin on his face and pumped his fists, "Yeah, I finally made you break a sweat!"

Mirajane giggled, "Good enough." She watched Natsu boast as his ego was stroked, "I guess ignorance really is bliss."

XXXXXX

In the middle of a kingdom's massive training ground, we can find some soldiers sitting around a crate and playing poker.

"Man, those Exceed sure like to feel high and mighty."

"Sure thing, pard. We ought to have fun busting some skulls soon."

"Fucking winged freaks… Treating us like dirt."

"Don't worry, King Faust will break us free from-"

A figure approached them, "Free from what?" a butler asked as he stood menacingly behind them, his face shadowed by the sun behind his head while his monocle shone like the eye of an angel of death.

While the soldiers jumped to their feet in horror at his sudden appearance while he merely adjusted his monocle with one gloved hand, they were starting to think the worst, though one tried to keep his hopes up, "We were talking about how King Faust will break us free from these shackles sooner or later, pard." One of them forced a chuckle.

His friend nodded and laughed sheepishly, "Y-Yeah, we've been working our butts off for a while and got a well-deserved break! It's a matter of time before we get a promotion when he sees we get things done as fast as lightning!"

"And yet you all use magic like it's limitless to play with these toys." The butler replied calmly while grabbing a random sword.

"Put it down, butler." Knightwalker warned him, making the soldiers tense up, "You're way out of your jurisdiction."

"Indeedly so, and I apologize." He put down the weapon, though his monotone made it look like he was mocking her. She barely contained her anger and eyed the soldiers to ponder how to punish them, "Anyway, I came here just for the thrill of finding you and meeting you in another clash… I believe that is the fancy way of saying that I wish to challenge you."

Knightwalker grinned, her spear in one hand, "Then I guess I shall make up for these guys' foolishness and give you a hard time."

"Indeed." He said, kicked a stool between himself and the female knight… and sat at the crate, "After all, I don't think they'd be in my league for a game of poker."

Gaping, the soldiers just stared as the blond butler pulled out a fresh deck of cards still inside the plastic wrapper to prove he hadn't opened the small box, and Knightwalker's eye twitched, "Are you mocking me?!"

"Heavens no, I'd never taunt a lady." He spoke mechanically, making her feel that much more furious, "I mean, why would I be mocking you. I really want to find a proper playmate, and our battle shows you have it in you to give me a fair game."

She growled, but then it clicked, ' _I see, he hasn't heard those two yapping about. Good. I'll torture them later. For now, I'll amuse him. Who knows? I may even get him to tell me everything about the queen to finally fulfill the king's wishes if I beat him. Heh, and then he can be my servant._ ' She smirked at the idea and sat before him, "What are we betting, then?"

His answer was quick, "How about a date?"

"What?!" she felt herself blush, though it was hard to tell if it was from rage or embarrassment.

"See, that's a joke." He replied in his monotone, "See the difference?"

She groaned and held her face with one hand, "With you, it's impossible to tell." She pulled out a bag of gold coins and threw it at the table, "I'll use my own money as chips, what about you?"

He mimicked her actions, "Same." He then made her sweat when taking the wrapper in and instant and flipping the cards in the air like they were his to control, "Are you ready, Knightwalker?"

"Better believe it." She bared her teeth at him.

He nodded, still stoic, "Good."

XXXXXX

"And here's the lady I've been waiting for all my life!"

Hearing Naruto say that had Mirajane subconsciously snap a dish in half when Lucy arrived, flustered, "I-I'm so sorry, I didn't expect to make you wait that-"

The inspector cracked up, "Worry not, I'm just pulling your leg with one of my bad jokes. You could lighted up a bit and thus make my day that much better!" he playfully grinned at her with one eye open.

Lucy blushed and sat beside him, giggling internally as she tried and failed to contain a small grin, "You truly like to make girls feel special."

"Like I said, part of the job." He used the brim of his hat to shadow his eyes, which he closed, "And there are many who make it easy like you and Mira-chan."

Lucy turned to Mirajane, "Is he always like this?"

The barmaid gave her a well-acted smile, despite the temperature dropping drastically around her, "You have no idea."

He tipped up his hat and chuckled, "Professional charmer." Then he leaned back and finished the last of his still fresh cider, "So, Lucy, have you a mission planned for today? Or would you like to file a complaint and get a proper restraining order, because I've been hearing ab-"

He was cut short as a mage ran in, panicking, "Erza's coming!"

The entire guild froze in fear with the exception of Mirajane, Naruto and Lucy. The blond had seen Natsu tense up while he was fighting some half-naked boy. In walked a true beauty among beauties. Long crimson hair flowed down her back to her generously round and plump backside. Her firm and abundant bust was hidden behind a breastplate that gave an idea of her girls' volume. She had a blue skirt that showed round hips and shapely thighs as well as some details on her strong and long legs. Last but not least, her face was easy on the eyes too. And she was carrying a gigantic horn singlehandedly over her head.

The inspector watched Lucy's shock when the guild tried to act like proper human beings around the pretty redhead, "She's a hoot, ain't she?" he playfully asked the baffled blonde girl.

"Who is she?" she finally asked after Erza got Cana to sit straight and control her booze ingestion.

"Erza Scarlet, nicknamed Titania for being queen of this guild." He shrugged, his warm grin still on his face, "Normally, I'd laugh at the nickname since she isn't really titanic in size. But hey, I'm just happy she gives results and keeps every type of property damage to a minimum." Then he waved at her, "Howdy, Erza-chan! Looking lovely as ever! And is that a gift from your last fight?"

The redhead smiled, "Indeed. The villagers this monster was terrorizing gave me it to thank me." the horn was coated with expensive jewelry.

When she set it down with a thud, Naruto took out his notepad, "You could pawn it if you wish to. I'd recommend doing so-"

"Wait, you can't just tell Erza to sell her gifts like that, you snob!" Natsu shouted at the inspector, who didn't bat an eye and merely put his notepad on the boy's face.

"Read." He told the pinket, "Those are my reports on your performances, Natsu. The guild is, and I remind you that it is many times, legally responsible for what you do. And what you do isn't cheap."

The pink mage turned to Erza, knelt down, and bowed his head on the floor, "Please, help."

Naruto took his notepad and then turned back to Erza, "So, I can assume you have another spotless mission to report, right?"

"Yes, and I have something else to say." She started as she looked at Natsu, "I have a mission that I need him for."

"What…?" Naruto started, sweating despite keeping his smile in place. The paperwork he was seeing in his near future threatened to drown him in a mountain of papers.

"Him and Gray." She added.

"Beg pardon?" he was trying to keep his smile from not being strained, but the sweat gave away his real worries.

"What is going on?" Lucy asked Mirajane.

She and Naruto knew what would happen, and he didn't like it.

After a brief explanation regarding a deadly magical flute, forcing Natsu and Gray to tag along, and the pinket dragging Lucy into the mix, Naruto was in a train with a nightmare team. At least Lucy and Erza were a joy to be with since they acted like humans. Natsu was nauseated as he tried to hold his lunch on the train. Gray, though, could get a shirt for once and keep it glued to himself. And then there was Happy.

Naruto started to sense a pattern that build his dislike for felines, "So if we split it up there's fifty percent for Natsu, fifty for me, and the rest for Lucy."

"Wait, what?!" the blonde asked the greedy, tiny, blue cat.

"Worry not, I can do the math for you, Lucy-chan." The inspector said calmly with a grin as he pulled out his notepad, "Because if Natsu and Happy here really are a team, then they would have to use all that money to pay up what they owe. And oh boy is that a heavy amount. They would even have to answer up for your taxes given the fact that you're supposedly getting paid."

When hearing that, Happy didn't look at the blond inspector and instead laughed forcefully as he walked to his pink-haired partner, "I'm joking, joking! Of course, Lucy has to get her part, she's a good friend!"

The pigtailed busty beauty turned to him with a winning smile, "You won't believe the favor you did for me!"

"I can imagine." Naruto answered as he put down his notepad, "Happy's easy to track since he's always with Natsu. And I must make sure anything they break together in a mission is a blow to their wallets. I have tax payers basically making riots at my door when I have to explain why taxes rise when we have to use the money to fix… quite a lot of destruction."

Lucy winced at some memories, "I can imagine."

"Erza's a gift to this world, though." He said with his charming grin present as always, "Polite, determined, very powerful, and quite the looker too in one package. You do make my job a lot more pleasing, though…"

The redhead smiled, "I thank you for your compliment, but why the pause?"

He shrugged comically, "You're perhaps a bit too direct, Erza-chan. You'd possibly try to solve Natsu's nausea by punching him in the gut to get him to sleep it off…" he noticed her eyes shift away, "I nailed it, huh?"

"Just…" Natsu moaned in his pitiful state, "…end… it… please…"

Before anyone could see, Naruto's right hand shot forward and delivered a swift, echoing chop that knocked the pink mage out cold, "So dramatic." He chuckled and turned to a surprised Lucy, "Worry not, he could not even feel it. Like I said, I'm tougher than I look. Otherwise I couldn't work along this guild."

Gray grinned at seeing the fire mage out cold, "Heh, I don't know. Natsu's not really as tough as he wants to be. If an office worker like yourself had no trouble getting him to sleep without magic, he must be weak."

Naruto grinned warmly at Gray, tilting up his hat with both eyes closed, "You do flatter me, making it seem like all I'm good for is lifting pencils. Say, Gray, I have a matter to attend to with you regarding an improper exposure in front of children and their parents. There are alliances made between PTAs that are after my head because some mage walked around in the buff through a city. Can you enlighten me why?"

The nudist mage chuckled weakly, "W-Wait, you did explain to them it's just a habit of mine, right? One I can't control?"

"I could, but that'd get you in an asylum." The blond countered, still smiling close-eyed, "So I had to lie and say you're always getting beaten so badly that your clothes rip off. Fortunately, you were fighting, so I had some luck avoiding lawsuits. However, I really don't want to deal with them again if they know of your… bad habit, was it? So be a good boy and control yourself. Or I will have to let you deal with the mess."

"G-Got it…"

Naruto turned to Lucy with a beaming smile, spinning his pen in his hand, "Observe and be amazed at my wonderful office worker powers. I can beat even S-rank mages with a single stroke of a pen."

He even took off his hat to bow his head with a cheerful, close-eyed smile, which had Lucy giggling, "How can you be so corny?"

"I thought everyone liked corn?" he amusedly retorted, which got her to giggle more.

XXXXXX

On another dimension, one redhead snapped, "Dammit! I'm not done yet, you glorified bathroom scrubber!"

Her opponent just tilted his head to the side, "Was that your best… insult?"

Naruto, cross-armed, tapped his cards against an arm as he sat before Knightwalker. The redhead beauty was wearing only her bra and panties, and her money, armor, and even an I.O.U. for a fully paid dinner were on his side of the table. The butler had no trouble keeping himself calm despite the half-naked woman before him, mostly due to having no emotions, for he had plans. Seeing her feel shame was a nice bonus.

"This guy's got to be the devil." One of the guards gulped.

Naruto looked at his cards and put two down, "Come on, Knightwalker, I'm even letting your fellow knights see my cards. Are you really this bad at the game?"

"He has to be cheating, milady!" one of the flustered knights told her, "We see his cards are utter crap, but he always manages to beat you! He has to be cheating!"

"It'd be cheating if you could prove it." Naruto answered and stared at the redhead right in the eye, "I do serve the Exceed, and while losing to them would be the right thing to do to amuse them, I haven't lost a game. And this is not cockiness or pride, it's just that I have some experiences with really bad gamblers and can spot one when I see them. Who knows? Perhaps in another world you're a good player, Knightwalker."

Irked by the fact he said all of that in a monotone, the redhead slammed her hand down, "Shut up! I'll have it all back in this game, I swear it!"

He sat up straight unamused, "I'm afraid I've taken your money, a dinner, and even your dignity. I have grown quite bored already with this game's outcome. I knew it'd be easy, but I didn't expect it to be so-"

"Shut up!" she growled and pointed a finger at his face, "One more round, all or nothing! If I win, I'll have it all back!"

Naruto shrugged, "What would I have in return worth everything I took, then? You even owe me a dinner, and the place I like to eat isn't cheap."

"Name it, then." She glared hard and hotly into his eyes.

He pushed up his monocle with his middle and index fingers, making it shine against the light, "Information, then."

"What?!" she grew worried, ' _Was this his plan?! It won't work, though, like I'd-_ '

He interrupted her train of thought with his next words, "I'm not talking about the king's secrets or anything related to your life or this army. Now, that would be rude. Consider me bored and intrigued. I just want to know when will the next batch of crystalized magic come. Your king always gets more when he thinks he's losing precious magic. That is why I want to know if he found an endless source or if he has a big target."

If one could look at him, they could picture a massive sign above his head with neon lights that read: take the bait.

She obliged, "Done, there's no harm with this leak of information to any of us." She said confidently before showing him his cards, "Read them and weep."

Her reaction crushed her after she showed him four of a kind, "Huh, not bad…" he put down a magnificent Royal Flush, "I think this is better."

After Knightwalker punched the nearest knight and left to get herself some clothes, Naruto finally had all of his winnings in his hands and was walking back home to his queen.

Though he found a familiar face, "Why would you go to such a problem?"

"Panther Lily, if you have time and energy to ask that, could please you help me with this?" the butler asked dryly, "It's a wonder Knightwalker doesn't get a hernia carrying this stuff."

"Hmph, you could at least answer me." the large anthropomorphic panther said before taking the armor for him, "Now then…"

Naruto adjusted his monocle and looked at him calmly, "Knightwalker is loyal to the king, so she has to know when it will happen. So far I have confirmed two things. It'll be a while before Faust opens the portal to get more magic, and he's getting desperate."

"How so?" Panther Lily asked.

Naruto and the larger knight walked to the Exceed kingdom, "He never tells you because you're an Exceed, but if he keeps it a secret from Knightwalker, there must be something going on. My only conclusion is that he doesn't want anyone to see his next move, and seeing his, quote/unquote, concern for the queen's health, I am worried."

Panther Lily chuckled, "You, worried? The queen has never had a chance to feel fear after you arrived and showed us what you could do!"

Naruto shook his head, "It is why I'm worried. Faust must think he has the means to get past me to her, to the others. After all the queen did and the pain she's in, all I want is for her to have peace of mind."

Panther Lily's face softened, "You put so much effort for her, I have no doubt that you'll make her smile."

Naruto turned to the taller knight, who could swear there was a hint of a smile on the corner of his lips, "You sound like a parent giving a young man his blessing to marry his daughter."

"Oi!"

"Relax, I'm just trying to see if I still have a sense of humor." The butler answered and waved for the knight to follow him, "As for the queen… Well, she is a kind one. We don't mince words, but she's a good woman."

"Are you…?" Panther Lily started, not sure what to tell of what he heard.

The blond turned his head to lazily stare at him, "What are you implying?"

Panther Lily shook his head, "Forget it, I didn't remember that you… Never mind."

XXXXXX

"That was an interesting trip…" Naruto said as he and the others walked out of the train, patting his shoulders with a fist, "I could certainly use a walk."

"Yeah, same here." Lucy started before turning to Erza, "Where are we going to now?"

"As soon as Natsu gets over his nausea, we should-"

"Excuse me, Erza-chan." Naruto started, pointing at an empty spot in their circle of four, "Where is he?"

There was a pause and everyone turned to the train, Erza sighing, "I'll get him."

"No, allow me." Naruto started and walked forward, "I'm the one that knocked him out, and the one tagging along to see Lucy's skills. Let me take some responsibility."

Erza nodded with a thankful smile, "I'll make it up to you."

The blond tipped down his hat as he smiled warmly, but his half-lidded eyes were full of malicious glee, "You sure? I may ask for something outrageous like… a date…" he even made dramatic hand gestures with an over the top overdramatic voice.

She grinned, "I'll let you think of it if you want to."

Tipping his hat up with a warm grin and only one eye closed, he resisted the urge to smirk seeing Lucy cutely puff her cheeks and pout adorably, "Well then, I better do a good job and earn the right to be with you."

He chuckled darkly to himself after turning his back to them and going into the cart to find Natsu where he left him. However, he noticed an odd fellow with black hair in a ponytail smiling at the unconscious mage. The train moved and Naruto stood by, listening. The man complained about legal guilds, the system, and how envious he was for not having beauties like Mirajane or Lucy in his guild. Naruto couldn't blame him.

Sensing murderous intent on the man meant that he had to step up, though, "Hmm, who are- Oh, you're that inspector guy I've heard so much about. Uzumaki, right? Man, you got quite a reputation for dealing with all the crazy guilds. Although, I've got a question I always wanted to make when I first heard of you…"

"What is it, good sir?" Naruto calmly put his hat on his chest and gave him a one-eyed stare, and though he noticed the train moving he didn't feel threatened for he knew the man before him.

The mage smirked as his shadow sprung to life into eight clawed hands, "Are you really as strong as they make you out to be?!"

And he smirked as he watched each of his clawed hands dig deeply into the blond inspector's body, shredding cloth, flesh and even bones with ease. He cackled at the sight… until he noticed the blond smirking.

"I wouldn't know, my good friend." Naruto calmly put his hat where it was, and watched the mage call back his shadow to defend him, "Are you actually trying to hit me?"

"What?!" the mage asked in shock as he saw Naruto step to the side, a cloud of smoke appeared and when it fell it showed that the dark guild mage's shadow had somehow hit one of the seats.

Naruto dusted his hat with the back of a hand, "Your shadow may be fast, but I can move faster than your eyes can see. And a little tip, you don't want to be bothersome to me, Kageyama-kun." He chortled and had his warm smile widen into a friendlier one, "I've read about you and your magic, as well as that of your guild. Your leader is strong; I'll give him that, but only when comparing him to a couple B-rank mages, not me."

"What're you blabbing on about?!" Kageyama grew furious, his shadow looming menacingly around him.

"Me?" Naruto asked as he waved a hand, dark crimson energy that screamed destruction erupted from his palm and moved like a fire of death, "Well, I mean I'm no slouch in battle, if you're wondering."

With his warm smile still present and the crimson dark energy making the light flicker over his face, the blond painted a demonically intimidating figure for the mage. Kageyama could feel the cold sensation of fear crawling up his back at the one-eyed amused face approach him with a step. The shadow user attacked first, sending shadow snakes to bite and pin the blond from all angles, wrapping around him.

Naruto just smiled as he let the shadow coil around him, which had Kageyama cackle madly, "No tricks again?! Heh, you won't be escaping this one, you ink-sucker!"

And the inspector chortled, "Ink-sucker?" then he burst in a warm, almost contagiously good-natured laughter despite the shadow snakes tightening their grip on him, "Hah hah hah! That's so strange it's funny!"

Kageyama snapped, "Stop playing around!"

Naruto wiggled a bit in his shadow cocoon, "But I can't, I'm trapped and I heard something so silly I can't help but laugh a bit. Besides…" he gave Kageyama a taste of what he was really like with a venomously very amused grin, just like a fox about to bite a snake's head off with only one eye open, "I haven't shown you why I'm perfect as an inspector."

Before the dark guild member could ask what he meant, he watched his own shadow bubbling with the crimson energy he saw Naruto use. It started and ended as soon as he noticed glowing red spots inflating in his shadow until it was all over. What he saw was an explosion of crimson energy that completely vaporized his own shadow from the inside out, obliterating his magic instantly!

And, to show how easy it was for him, Naruto just dusted his hat against a knee before putting it on his head, keeping it steady with a single hand while Kageyama cupped his mouth with a hand in mute horror, "N-No way… My own magic, gone… What was that? It was like your very energy corrupted and destroyed everything it touched, like a virus, like fire… What the Hell are you, monster?"

The mage was trembling, sweating, and panting as he looked at the blond approach him casually with a friendly grin, "Didn't I tell you? I'm the perfect inspector because I can get rid of any mess without leaving a single trace." Naruto started as he approached the man, putting up his charmer act, "I may not look like it, but I'm quite confident in my strength. After all, you said so yourself. My energy is like a virus. Pure endless hatred boiling through me tainted my own chakra – my equivalent of magic if you want to call it that. That, combined with a cranky fox's own chakra, makes for one spicy recipe that eats away anything it touches."

"Shit!" was all Kageyama said before turning around and legging it.

Naruto stood still a couple of seconds to process what happened, "Odd, I expected him to surrender. I guess he must be quite loyal to his guild to try to run with that flute on him." He sighed tiredly and stared at a still soundly asleep Natsu, and put his hand on his face, "Sleep tight and take care of my hat, I'll clean this mess like I always do."

With that the hunt began.

XXXXXX

While Queen Shagotte stood no taller than his knee, her butler saw her as someone that stood higher than him. Perhaps, as someone said before, it was his heart of justice that made him so loyal to a woman, cat or not, whose pain was palpable. He couldn't turn away from those in need, with or without emotions he still had a part of him that clung to his beliefs. And he knew some of her secrets.

Five years pretending to work for someone while actually working along them can bring the most unlikely of people very close. That's what Naruto thought as he sat up naked in a bed beside an equally nude woman.

Short white hair framed the face of a very mature woman whose soft, pale skin made her akin to a portrait of beauty with sharp eyes, a small nose, rosy lips, and cat ears atop her head. Her body, which was a couple inches shorter than his, had wide child-bearing hips that could be confused with a pumpkin in size, firmness and roundness. Her legs and thighs were equally plump but not overly so, and her breasts could smother a man's head to death. He noticed her breasts smothering his chest with each of her soft breaths, and a white cat tail swished sleepily over her round, succulent cheeks.

It'd be cozy if it weren't for her nails/claws leaving nasty scratches on his back, so he woke her up by lightly tapping her nose, "Sorry to interrupt your sleep, but I can't feel my arm."

She blushed and jumped off the table, letting the sheets fall down and reveal her nude, mature body, "S-Sorry, I was so comfortable and… I was having a nice dream."

He stood up and started picking up his clothes, "May I ask what it was?"

"I…" she sighed deeply, "I was with my daughter… I actually held her in my arms. Only that this time instead of her father, you…"

He nodded and, with their clothes ready, walked to the bathroom, "I do not know if I'd be father material. I only saw mine once and punched him."

"I know, I shouldn't have brought it up, I-"

"The thought isn't bad, though." He added, looking at ease as he said that, "It'd be… a fine change of pace once everything's settled."

"You do know this kind of relationship is basically taboo." She added, looking away from him.

"Frankly, I don't care what others say about us." He told her and held his hand for her to grab, and then guided her to the bathroom, "Do you?"

She blushed and tried to not look him in the eye, but failed, "I wouldn't mind discussing a future beyond my visions once I am worthy to be queen."

"Then we'll work towards that future." He said to her seriously, "I will make your dream… a reality."

She smiled and the two enjoyed a bath together… They were thankful that the walls were soundproof.

 **XXXXXX**

And that's my rap!

I know, both the butler and the inspector are cheesy, but what do you expect when I'm inspired by Jojo's Bizarre Adventures? In that show you can believe a man risking his arms and legs to hold back against three guys trying to mug him just because he worries about causing grief to their families. Oh, and you can also feel sorry for annoying little brats when they show their inner hero even in the bleakest of moments.

Anyway, I hope you liked Shaggotte's human design. As for Yami's powers, they're a mixture of Kira Yoshikage's with Bijuu chakra. Like he said, his pure hatred made his own chakra take a more corrupt form.

Swordslinger out!


	3. Trickster and Knight

I OWN NOTHING

A guy asked if Yami Naruto has a harem of girls he's deceiving to fulfill his own agenda. He has his own agenda, yes. However, he said he doesn't want a girl like Wendy around people worse than him for a reason.

 **XXXXXX**

Walking into the next train cart, and feeling slightly naked without his hat, the inspector looked for the shadow mage.

"Partaking in a game of hide and seek isn't how I expected to spend this day, Kageyama-kun. I had plans, very important ones if I dare say it, that didn't have me chasing a dark guild mage. Though, since I'm still a professional inspector for the council there is no way I can turn away. What say you? Want to call it quits, surrender, perhaps grab a beer with me? My treat if you make this easier for me."

Getting no answer and hearing only the train's wheels on the tails as there were only empty seats before him, the blond gave a small, tired smile and a sigh before aiming a hand forward. Dark crimson flames came to his fingertips, and he aimed his middle and index fingers in a gun gesture at a nearby seat. Keeping his thumb steady and pressed on his hand as the sights, he concentrated a small amount into a small sphere.

"What…?" a shadow hidden under the seat he was aiming at whispered only loud enough for himself to hear.

"Mini-Rasengan… Gun." Naruto whispered and fired the small projectile, which completely obliterated a large hole on the back of the seat like someone fired a shotgun on the same spot a good two dozen times.

Kageyama slithered in his shadow to another spot, groaning, "This guy's not dangerous, he's straight up a devil in disguise!"

Naruto had another shot ready, "I can blame that on Natsu…" he whispered to himself before smiling as friendly as possible to the air, "So, Kageyama-kun, like my trick? I can keep shooting to destroy every spot you could be hiding under until you're forced out into the light. However, I'd be worried if I hit you with this. Since it's my chakra, if it hit your leg then it'd eat your skin off along your bones, foot, and then the knee."

"Eat this, creep!" Kageyama was so sure of his victory that he allowed himself to holler in ecstasy when seeing five shadow blades pierce the inspector's head from behind. His grin disappeared as soon as a cloud of smoke poofed into existence before him accompanied by the melodiously amused voice of the inspector,

"Come on, Kageyama-kun." he said with a lazy smile and a wave of the hand, "I left my hat with some schmuck from Fairy Tail, and I miss it. No one could ever replace it… The hat, not the guy, just to be clear."

Kageyama jumped back, nearly getting out of his skin in fear, to get the necessary distance for another attack with eight shadow snakes lunging at the blond once again, "Good luck escaping this now, chump! I will strike from all angles without holding back now! Let's see you escape this!"

As he said, the snakes all surrounded Naruto by creating a vortex of shadowy coils to make sure he could never escape, and moved to strike his most vital points. That is why Kageyama was once again utterly shocked to see the blond just appear before him in a flash of yellow light, smile warmly at him, and punch the shadow mage in the gut. Kageyama's eyes nearly popped out of their sockets. It was a single, clean hit so fast it was like someone fired a gun at pointblank. His feet left the ground for a couple of seconds, the air contorted around the inspector's arm, and the strike echoed like a shotgun blast.

Once Kageyama fell to his knees the inspector just stood still with his arms crossed behind his back and a laidback smile, eyes closed, "Just to be clear, I'm not angry or in a bad enough mood to make it hurt. Although, giving me a reason to do so by playing with such a dangerous artifact like that flute…" he clicked his tongue repeatedly several times in a second, "Let's say you're being rude and leave it at that if you give it to me."

Gasping as he held his pained stomach and bruised ribs, Kageyama looked at him in the eye and grunted a, "Fuck you…" with all the venom he could muster.

Crouching to be on the man's eye level, the young inspector smiled, patted his shoulder with his eyes opened, and chuckled, "I guess you're real special. Not wanting to backstab your guild even if you're with me…" the way his grip tightened worried the shadow user, "However, I need you to be more cooperative."

And in a split second, without losing his smile once or letting his expression of friendliness change, Naruto grabbed the back of Kageyama's head and slammed it on the floor hard enough to smear his blood on it, "G-Gah!" Kageyama tried to breathe, but his nose was clogged with his blood.

Not once letting go of his friendly smile, Naruto lifted his head, "Come on, Kageyama-kun, I need the flute and to know about your guild. You don't see them helping you. My guess is that they may as well see you as expendable if they didn't bother giving you a hand. Am I right? You can tell me if you feel like it."

Groaning, the shadow mage sneered, "Go… fuck yourself…"

Sighing deeply and tiredly, Naruto pulled out a handkerchief from his coat and used it to clean Kageyama's face, surprising him, "I really don't want to be the bad cop here, but I am losing time after this little stunt of yours. That's why I'll clean your nose. If you have it clogged, you may pass out earlier." And with that he slammed his face down repeatedly on the floor until more blood came out, "Time to clean you again."

Humiliated, Kageyama balled his hands into fists and tried to summon his shadow to attack, but seeing the dark chakra in front of his face told him the blond was done waiting, "W-Wait!" he cried.

Naruto's smile warmed up, "Finally about to cooperate in a jolly way, huh?" he let go of Kageyama's head, which fell once again on the floor with the force of gravity, "Start talking, please, Kageyama-kun."

There was a loud screeching sound and both found it odd as the train wasn't stopping. Both turned to see none other than Erza, Lucy and Gray in a cart. The latter had his arm hooked to it like he was giving it blood, but in reality it was so the cart could move with his magic. Erza had her swords drawn and Lucy had a whip of all things. Naruto noted the terrified look on the blonde girl's face as she lassoed her whip on the train.

And like any good action movie, she and Erza swung into the train by crashing through a window. The redhead kept the rookie Fairy Tail mage safe in her arms, and her armor prevented any major cuts. However, a man with a bloody nose whose head was tightly gripped in Naruto's hand wasn't what Lucy expected to see. She expected the usual madness from her guild, not to see the inspector wiping the man's nose, smiling.

"H-Help…" Kageyama begged while Naruto was done cleaning his blood off his face.

The inspector threw the handkerchief out the window and turned to the mages, "Sorry about that, I usually try not to make a mess."

Lucy was too shocked for coherent questions, "What were you doing…?"

Adjusting his outfit and scarf, he calmly replied with a lazy grin, "My job, I'm afraid. I found the guy harassing Natsu and intervened before it could get ugly. We had a fight, and I did say that I'm stronger than I look."

"He bashed my face in on the floor, help me!" Kageyama cried, terrified of the blond.

Lucy felt a shiver down her spine when Naruto gave her a laidback smile, "So dramatic. But really, I'm just trying to get things done. After all, he has the flute we're looking for and I can't have him use it."

"Not to mention we have to find his comrades." Erza added with a serious face, "Thank you for your help, Mr. Uzumaki."

He waved with a playful grin, "You're very welcome, though not as much as I'll welcome that date with you, Erza-chan."

She grinned, surprising Lucy, "You can call it whatever you want, I'll just buy you dinner."

"Aw, trying to hurt my feelings?" he said in mock hurt while Lucy remained shocked.

A thought crept on her pigtailed head, ' _I see, so he's even more of a monster than Fairy Tail, but he's polite… He's scary, but he's definitely still a nice guy if he stopped our target and protected Natsu…_ ' she felt at ease for a bit, he was at least strong and determined to help them.

"Well then," the inspector turned to the shadow mage with a joyous face, "I believe I promised you a beer if you helped us. Please, don't make it your last good one."

Kageyama looked at him and saw a serious Erza readying a sword, but that paled in comparison to the image of Naruto showing him a bit of his true self with his maliciously foxy smile that promised pain.

XXXXXX

Back at the palace of the Exceed queen, Shagotte was staring at three mirrors while her butler helped her dress up. Her subjects hated the idea of a human being allowed to be with her like that, but she had the final word. Besides, the butler actually had permission to deal with any threat or nuisances the queen faced, and it included fellow Exceed. Not that he'd do it, but the thought scared them enough to not anger him.

"Have you figured out what that dart was, Your Majesty?" he asked while adjusting the large set of robes over the cat woman's tiny body.

"It wasn't a poison, as I've been told… ugh…" she groaned as he tightened her robes, "Must you be so rough?"

"Sorry." His words had her sigh.

"No, forgive me." she said seriously and took a deep breath while he adjusted her robe around the waist, "This is one part of being a queen I'll happily leave behind once we put a stop to this madness. As for the dart, it is a pheromone. Apparently, the King may have wanted you to lose control. It would have made you prone to outbursts of anger if it had hit a vein."

"I must thank that Knightwalker's aim was off, then." He commented before putting her frilly collar around her neck, much to her dismay, "Though, why would they need me to be angry?"

"Possibly to have you attack one of us or even myself with the right motivation." She stopped talking as he tilted her head back to not suffocate her while buttoning the collar, "How're you feeling, though?"

He replied bluntly, "I think the only moment I had a rush of adrenaline and the need to be rough was with you last night under your bedsheets."

Her white face became pink with the red hot blush under her fur dyeing it, "That would… definitely explain why I was… Uh…" she looked at the dart, which was in a small glass vial, "Do you think we could…"

"I can see what amount worked, though I think you were also affected by it." He suppressed the urge to rub his shoulder, "The marks from your teeth still haven't left, and I think your claws left some lasting scars."

She awkwardly coughed into her paw, "We shall… see if the effects remain tonight. Now, please let this torture end."

He placed her cape on her shoulders and spoke up, "There, now… We have to stop King Faust's madness, but we also owe him our thanks for helping us enjoy a good night."

She blushed harder, "Please, I know you're trying to be more in touch with others with emotions, but refrain from making jokes…"

He blinked, but didn't change expressions, "Sorry, I just wanted to make light of the situation, it's what people do to avoid stress." He looked at his pocket watch and tried to finish the last touches to her outfit, "To be honest, I am worried and I know I'd be furious knowing that the king tried to make me attack you. After all, I still find you to be the most wonderful lady I ever met."

Taking a deep breath, she looked at him and nodded with a small smile, "And I still have too much to thank you. Now, let's get this day over with."

"You sound like it's tiring." He commented.

She sighed, "It is. Talking with these people who believe this lie I made and having to stroke their egos while they think they're gods among others for being nobles is… tiresome. You're lucky that lacking emotions makes you invulnerable to this boredom."

"I think I'll take that as a compliment." He answered after a brief pause before opening the door for her.

And before them was Panther Lily, "Excuse my abrupt arrival, but I'd like to talk with you, butler. If you do not mind."

Said blond looked at his queen, who nodded, "I shall be all right, and will call you if you're needed."

Nodding back, he turned to the panther man, "What is it you want, then? Do know that any requests you make have a limit considering who you're working for."

Panther Lily looked at him seriously, "It is to see something for myself. More specifically, to see how strong I need to become to protect the queen as efficiently as you."

The blond didn't even twitch a brow, but he was interested, "I'm listening."

"Have a duel with me." Panther Lily put a hand on his chest, "Let me see your true skills in a fair fight, one-on-one. I need to see what you're capable of after your fight with Knightwalker."

Closing his eyes briefly before adjusting his monocle, the blond didn't look at him but replied calmly, "It would be a fine chance to get some rust off my shoulders. Fine then, I shall amuse you."

Panther Lily grinned, "That confidence of yours can be your undoing, butler."

"I'm curious about why you're calling me by my title, that's another reason I'm doing this." The blond's monocle shone briefly, giving his close-eyed face a more menacing look, "Do not expect me to hold back."

"That's what I'm asking for." The panther man said.

Soon the training grounds was bursting with Exceed wanting to see the famous butler and bodyguard of their queen face off against one of the best knights in the kingdom that happened to be one of their own. As soon as the nobles heard the news, Queen Shagotte was dragged by them to see the spectacle. Worry could be seen on her face when she first heard of it, but she forced her face to stay neutral when she arrived.

At the dirt square that made the training grounds with dummies and weapons for the Exceed and a set made for the butler that was more than twice their size, the two fighters stood opposite from each other. The knight held a massive sword that could only be described as a large slab of metal while the butler had his arms crossed behind his back. An Exceed barely reaching the butler's knee and clad in armor was the referee,

"Ladies and gentlemen, this shall be a match to remember!" the tiny knight cheered, "On one corner we have our pride, a warrior unrivaled by many, our one and only Panther Lily!"

Cheers erupted and said large knight sighed, "I… I apologize for making this into a show."

The butler shook his head once, "Don't bother, the gossip network here is insane, and we'd have this crowd no matter how secret you wanted to make it."

"And in this corner, the mysterious bodyguard and butler of our queen, a man that singlehandedly stopped countless humans barehanded for her sake, our Fishcake!"

The blond didn't blink, even if he was still being cheered on, but he spoke up, "I wish they'd take my name a bit more seriously."

Panther Lily nodded and approached him, "Well then, are you ready to do this? If so…" he aimed his sword at the blond, "DRAW!"

Doing so, Naruto jabbed the air with his right arm, and with a flash of light a simple weapon appeared on it. It was a rapier, with a double-edged straight blade and three foot long, it looked almost ordinary. It had a golden guard designed to look like a wing coiled around his hand, a red handle, and a golden pummel. And connected to the pummel was a red cord, and attached to it was a bell shaped like a cat's head.

Keeping his left arm on his back, the blond moved the blade closer to his face with the tip aimed skywards, "Fair is fair, if you draw your sword then I shall use mine."

Panther Lily nodded, putting on his game face, "Impressive sword. What powers does it have?"

"None." The blond replied simply, "I can summon it at any time, and it can repair itself, but other than that this sword, which I have named Killer Queen, only needs me to be deadly."

"Why would he name it that?" a noble Exceed girl in a pretty dress asked her father.

The queen answered, "It was because I gave him it… He thought it would honor me to put Queen in its name, but I don't know why he put Killer in… I've never had the heart to tell him to change the name."

Everyone who heard her felt some form of shame or pity. Shame at that being the reason the sword got its name, and pity that the queen's butler was not very good at being tactful.

"You're a fencer, then." The knight started as he walked closer to the butler.

"I've had five years to master this art to serve my queen, let me see if it's good enough." The butler answered with his left arm still on his back.

Lily advanced with his sword ready, keeping up his guard at all times while the butler remained where he was, unmoving. When the larger fighter was within swinging range, the butler surprised him by throwing his left hand forward. Reacting swiftly, Panther Lily used his massive blade to block three throwing knives, but his defense allowed the butler to jump right at him. With his rapier ready, Naruto delivered a powerful and simple stab that Panther Lily also blocked. However, the larger knight was shocked when his body was forced back with his feet digging into the ground, leaving a mark as he skid to a halt.

Twirling his sword once to return to his stance, the butler stared at the knight, who spoke up, "I see you still have your tricks."

"If it's for the queen's sake, I don't care how underhanded the method to victory is, I'll use it." He replied calmly as the two started to circle each other.

XXXXXX

"Now, Kageyama-kun, please answer us…"

Naruto, with his hat back on, was having fun pinching the shadow mage's cheek while he was hanging from the ceiling with Lucy's whip keeping him in place. Natsu and Grey looked ready to fight, but at least Erza had the artifact, a flute with a cool skull design, safely in her hands. All they had left to do was prove their prisoner for information about the whereabouts of the rest of his guild and their plans.

The shadow mage, currently having two pieces of rolled up paper on his nostrils, growled at the blond, "You can eat my entire ass and choke on it!"

Naruto pinched harder, making the mage wince, with a smile fitting of a grandmother baking cookies for her grandchildren, "Now, now, that's rude. Please tell us what we want to know or I'll have to stop pinching your cute little cheeks and check out something." he tipped up his hat and smiled wider as he grabbed the guy by the jaw, "My oh my, you have a good jaw. You don't mind if I try my hand at being a dentist, do ya?"

"What?!" Kageyama's exclamation was slightly muffled by the fingers holding his cheeks firmly.

Naruto put a finger to the man's lips to silence him like a mother would to keep her son quiet, "Hush, you have nothing to worry about… So long as I get answers." He waited for a second and shrugged, "Well, I don't hear an answer. Erza-chan, do you happen to have some pliers or the like? I'll see if I can get a cavity without looking."

"They're at the main station!" Kageyama started to sing, giving them details about some of his boss', some guy nicknamed the Reaper, plans, "They will lock it up to use the speakers to get everyone they can!"

"Good, but just in case…" Naruto pulled out a… bag full of jelly babies, "Oops, wrong pocket. Where was it…? Ah-hah!" he pulled out a jawbreaker, the large, hard candy sphere being the size of his fist.

"What're y-YEOW!" Kageyama yelled when Naruto poked his eyes without warning in order to shove the jawbreaker into his mouth, keeping it tightly sealed.

"Don't swallow." Naruto advised him before turning to Lucy, "We need to take him with us to make sure he doesn't try anything. Think of it as… taking a puppy to be neutered."

His warm smile made her shiver, "Did you have to use that example as an analogy?"

"Well, if he's lying or tricking us, I'll leave him to these guys." The inspector pointed at Erza, Natsu and Gray, the first holding an axe, the second a flaming fist, and the third an ice mace.

Kageyama got the hint that what Naruto did wasn't the worst he was going to get, and let out muffled screams begging for Lucy's help. Feeling sorry for him, the spirit mage turned to the other mags and the blond, but she could tell they were serious. Gulping as she didn't want to make them mad, she ignored the shadow mage's pitiful cries. Though, despite her fear, she did have enough courage to ask something important.

"Isn't this a bit much?" she asked concerned, "He may be bad, but we're taking it too-"

Naruto delivered a swift karate chop to Kageyama's neck to leave him unconscious and sighed, though he kept a smile, albeit a tired one, "Lucy-chan, don't you get it? I'm not really going to torture him before you like some monster. We're trying to scare him so he spills the beans."

Erza nodded, "It is working, but if you don't want to participate then I can understand you may be too kind to go through with it."

"But he had a bloody nose from Naruto hitting him!" Lucy exclaimed, "And when we arrived he was keeping him face down on the floor!"

"I get it, I get it!" Naruto waved his hands frantically, chuckling awkwardly, "Sorry you had to see that, but he was making it hard to keep him down. You kind of caught me at the worst moment when I was finally getting the upper hand… Ok, I'll admit I did go overboard, but I couldn't let him have an advantage. Especially with a deadly artifact like Lullaby in his hands."

Staring at him silently, Lucy felt her doubts melt at seeing his smile which seemed sincere and worried, "I… I guess I may have done something similar if I was scared and desperate…"

"Sorry, next time I'm with you I'll try not to give you a scare." The blond said with a genuinely looking apologetic face.

"Just promise you'll watch my back, ok?" she asked slightly meekly, "This is already scary enough."

"I'll do what I can." He reassured her and extended his arms to the side with a shrug, "Want a hug to make you feel better?"

She shook her head, but giggled at his silly antics, "No. Thanks, but no thanks."

He smiled softly and turned to Erza, "What about you? I could use a hug for what I've done."

She chuckled through her nose, "I'll pass too, but thanks for amusing me." she then turned serious, "We need to think our next move. We have Lullaby and one of those dark guild members under our control. Our job is basically done, but we can't really leave the other mages roaming around when they could have some secondary plan or try to get their friend or this flute back."

"Hmm…" Naruto looked at Kageyama and grinned warmly, "Erza-chan, I think you will owe me a date, because I just have the best idea."

"And that is…" she started.

He beamed, "We let Kageyama-kun go and meet his mates-"

"What?!" Natsu, Gray, Happy and Lucy yelled in shock.

The inspector waved a hand to calm them down, "Think about it, what better way to find them than letting him go and see them?"

Erza nodded, "It's… risky, to say the least."

"Erza-chan, level with me." he started like he was trying to sell her something like a charming salesman, "In this life, what isn't risky? Seriously, I just came here to check out Lucy-chan's skills, but now here I am…"

Said pigtailed girl looked embarrassingly at the ground, ' _And I haven't done a thing yet… It's like he's wasting his time._ ' As that thought crossed her mind, she felt something snap in her, ' _No, wait! I just have to do something and I won't be a waste of time! If there's a battle, I have to use one of my spirits, but which one…?_ '

As she pondered that, Naruto went to Kageyama, grinning.

XXXXXX

Back at the Exceed kingdom, the crowd was cheering as the butler was delivering lightning fast stabs and swift slashes against Panther Lily. To the knight's credit, he could use the sword fast enough to block every strike and counter. The butler found his relentless offense halted from time to time when it was needed to duck under the enormous slab of metal. Yet, even as he dashed backwards, his face didn't change.

Changing his stance to extend his arm, aiming Killer Queen at the knight while making his right side face him, the blond spoke softly, "We should end this soon, these are my favorite shoes and I wouldn't want to see a single scratch on them." He kept his left arm on his back as the two warriors circled one another.

Panther Lily held his sword to his side in a more offensive stance, ready to swing it and slash the butler with a grin, "I can agree there. You're truly an odd one, butler. No matter what I do, you're unfazed. I guess to be the queen's bodyguard you have to keep your mind clear. However…" he narrowed his eyes at the blond, "You lack passion. You may love her as much or even more than we do, I can see it. And yet you do not possess any drive to put your emotions and heart into something. Even now you can't put your all into this."

"I see, so that is why you wanted to duel with me." Naruto started, his eyes narrowing slightly in a way that Panther Lily didn't expect. The butler's dull, bored face had gained an aggressive spark, "I do lack emotions, I shall give you that. To question that my determination isn't enough to fight for Her Majesty, though…" his eyes narrowed more into a determined glare, "Panther Lily! Prepare yourself!"

Twirling Killer Queen in his hand, the blond brought it down to his hip, the blade's tip inches from the floor as he fully faced the knight. Both charged, and Panther Lily felt something completely different in the clash of steel against steel. Sparks flew and the knight stepped in for an attack, only to see the blond do so faster. Bringing up his broadsword, the tall Exceed blocked a strike that forced him to backpedal.

And he couldn't help but grin, "That's more like it, butler!"

The two charged again, their swords flying and cutting the air as Naruto ducked under a strike and slashed at Panther Lily's side. The knight twirled his sword in his hands and nailed the tip on the floor to stop the strike, if barely. Seeing sparks flying from the collision, Naruto spun around the blade and delivered another slash in a split second. Panther Lily jumped back and brought up his sword to nail the butler. Unafraid and determined, the blond jumped up… and Panther Lily gaped when seeing not only his sword hit the ground, but the butler landing perfectly still on its blunt side.

Without another word, the human raced at him, and in the blink of an eye everything was over. Panther Lily gaped as he found Killer Queen's tip pressed against his throat, "I may not have emotions, but I'm capable of taking things seriously." He pulled back and the sword vanished in a flash of light before putting both arms behind his back, "If you have any more questions, I fear I may not hold back to prove my worth."

"That is enough, both of you." Queen Shagotte said as she approached them, "Panther Lily, I understand your concern. Naruto, I appreciate your dedication. However, if you both fight to prove your loyalty to me, I beg you to do me a single favor…" she approached her butler and the knight, and both kneeled before her to look her in the eye, "Never question yourselves. I would never doubt you two, so if you don't think you can put faith in your own selves, do remember I trust both of you with my life."

"I see." Naruto started and stood up, "I apologize for making you worry, Your Majesty. Though, being frank, I did need that push. Whether this is an emotion or not, I can at least be serious when it comes to you."

She managed to control her blush and keep it from being seen, "And I couldn't thank you enough for that."

Having said his piece, the butler left, and Panther Lily nodded to himself before rubbing his throat with a hand, "Even getting serious, he held back. I can now truly be certain he's our greatest defender."

XXXXXX

Kageyama walked out of a train with a sly grin on his face. Behind him, tightly tied up and with some proper tape over his mouth was the blond inspector. Said hostage was bruised and could only stumble weakly at his captor's slow pace. The ponytailed mage grinned as the people around him started to clear the way and soon he made it. He was with his guild at the place they accorded to meet.

"Man, Kageyama, for a second I was worried!" his boss, a man trying too hard to look like a grim reaper, cheered as he and the others stood by a large empty station with the leader at the top of some stairs.

Grinning from ear to ear, the shadow mage chuckled, "Wasn't easy, boss. The guy gave me some trouble and I even ran into some Fairy Tail bastards. I must say, though, the girls they got there are smoking! Shame I couldn't get one of them to come, but they wouldn't dare hurt their precious inspector here."

A dark guild member approached their captive, grinning wickedly, "Serves him right!" he punched the inspector in the gut, "Acting high and mighty in an office… Those fuckers at the council really piss me off!"

"Easy there, pal!" Kageyama waved his hands, "He's our precious hostage! We can't rough him up that badly! Did you try to hear me when I spoke? This one's Naruto Uzumaki, he's a cut above and beyond others."

"This is the guy everyone's talking about?" another asked curiously, "I pictured he'd be stronger looking…"

"Looks can be deceiving, for he uses an odd magic that requires him to speak." Kageyama falsely informed them, "I got lucky to sneak behind him and seal his yap before he could keep barking at me. Turns out he's a pussy so long as his mouth's shut. Hey, it's crazy, I know. But that's how I got us someone that the council would pay through their nose to have back."

His leader chuckled, "Kageyama, why do we need him, then?"

The shadow mage was confused and pulled out the flute, "But boss, isn't that a good idea? We could be set for life with this artifact and this guy. Think on how-"

"Did you forget our plan?!" the reaper wannabe barked.

"N-No!" Kageyama panicked, "But… all I'm saying is that it doesn't hurt to have some money secured to celebrate once the plan's in motion, right?"

"You idiot! We aren't here for the money, we're going to make every single mage in those legal guilds suffer once we wipe out the pathetic sellouts that are their masters in that meeting!"

Kageyama's face then took a goofy smile as he chuckled warmly, "Boy, I didn't expect you Eisenwald mages to be so gullible, but I'm glad I was wrong!"

And with dual clouds of smoke, the roles were reversed. A very beaten up Kageyama was tied up, and it was the inspector who was holding Lullaby. Every mage of the dark guild gasped and readied themselves for battle. The inspector gulped when a blade was inches from his throat but kept a well-acted nervous smile as every mage moved to him. Their reaper-like leader flew to him with wind magic, his scythe on his neck.

One of the mages, though, noticed Kageyama struggling to speak, so he took off the tape over his mouth to hear him shout, "It's a trap!"

Before anyone could blink they were all accompanied by the Fairy Tail mages when they all jumped down around them after using Naruto's disguise to infiltrate. Natsu cracked his knuckles as fire erupted from his palms, Lucy had a towering cow-like male humanoid with muscles over his muscles behind her, Gray's right arm was covered in ice, and Erza's sword was drawn. The inspector took a moment to stick a lollipop in his mouth, holding it with one hand like it was a cigarette.

Cornered, the Eisenwald mages were spoken to by Erza, "I am Erza Scarlet from Fairy Tail, and I ask for you to surrender peacefully so that we can avoid trouble. The real Lullaby is far away, and right this moment one of our own is flying far faster than you could hope to move. He is going to deliver the artifact to the right authorities. Now that you know your plans have failed, I recommend you do as told."

Watching how the reaper's face distorted into anger, shock and madness, Naruto decided to push his buttons with seemingly innocent questions, "That's Erza-chan for you! I can't help but love the fact she's always so professional in moments like this. So, guys… could you move your swords? You're possibly going to give me a burn as if I had a bad shave or something."

Snapping, the reaper roared, "You… It's because of you! You'll die first!" he grabbed Naruto by the throat and flew off with him, though he couldn't choke him. Naruto was quick to grab the guy's wrist to keep him from reaching his neck, but he was still carried off into the air by the mad mage, "If they want to play with us, kill them all! I'll make this bastard suffer so much agony his ears will bleed from his own screaming!"

Having said his piece, the reaper flew off. Naruto, keeping on his act, embraced himself for impact and hissed slightly when his back collided into a wall. The wind user crashed right through and kept breaking more with the inspector's back. Naruto, however, was only letting his back get punished to get a fair distance away from the Fairy Tail mages and have Eisenwald's leader to himself.

When the reaper wannabe slammed the back of his head on the floor of the room he finally decided to stop at, Naruto groaned, "They don't pay me… enough for this…" he chuckled and gave the mage a warm grin, "Anyway, how about we start over? Hi, name's Naruto Uzumaki, and I would like it very much if you took your hand off my face."

Roaring in mad anger, the dark guild's leader brought up his hand, which was enveloped with gales of wind that cut the air, "Shut up already!" he tried to strike the young man in the chest where there weren't too many organs in order to make his pain last. The last thing he expected was to have his head brutally slammed back to a point he feared his neck broke.

Getting up, Naruto sighed tiredly as he reached into his head but found his hat gone, "I sure hope Lucy-chan or Erza-chan keep that hat safe…" he turned to the mage holding a bleeding, broken nose, and smiled in his perfectly acted cheerful way, "Now then, I believe I was trying to introduce myself. Hmm… yeah, I just told you my name, right?"

The wind mage groaned as he got up, watching in growing anger how the inspector crossed his arms with a thoughtful look on his happily smiling face, like he was a teacher talking to a kindergartener, "What of it?! It's not like I'll bother to put it on your grave!"

Ignoring him casually, Naruto put his hands in his pants pockets and snickered as he widened his smile into a friendlier one, "Well, I am trying to be polite since I can't recall your name. Out of everyone in your guild, Kageyama-kun was the only one that could've escaped me if he was smart enough. Now, though, I'm not sure who's more bothersome, you or him."

Watching Naruto shrug casually at his statement, the reaper flew at him with his scythe ready, and simply watched how Naruto avoided the swing by leaning his body back, still shrugging, "You sack of fuck!" he got angrier, and his rage grew the more Naruto easily dodged his strikes, "You destroyed everything we worked for, and now you're just playing with me!"

To make the man stop talking, Naruto stepped forward and punched him faster than the eye could see, even skilled mages would have had trouble seeing his fist move into the wind user's stomach, "Please, calm down." He said with his goofy but well-meaning smile, "I'm just a guy who dislikes conflict and complicated things, you know? I like my life as it is, without having to worry about many things." He grabbed the reaper by the neck and beamed good naturedly, "And it's all because I worked hard to not have to stress myself. It's nice, to be honest. I can be me, as much as I can be, without any issue…"

"Why're you… telling me your life story…?" the mage gasped as he tried to break free.

Before he could use his scythe, Naruto tightened his grip but made sure he still breathed so he heard him, "I'm giving you an idea of who I am. I have nothing to worry about so long as I deal with problems like you."

And thus, the blond inspector's smile was the last thing the dark mage watched as an agony the likes he could never describe spread from the whiskered young man's hand to his body. Naruto merely gave him a one-eyed smile as he saw the man's body vanish into nothingness without a single trace, devoured by his dark chakra. And through it all, he still kept his cheerful, goofy face on as he eliminated his worries.

A cloud of smoke later had another blond appear, "Geesh, boss, bit overdramatic, don't you think?" he asked with a grin.

The real one shrugged, "What can I say? He was getting under my skin with that attitude. And his compadres had to ruin any and all plans I had of watching cute Lucy-chan in action. Well, I guess I can surprise her."

Seeing the key in his hands, the clone arched a brow, "Sure?"

"Yeah, we just need to make it look realistic…" he grabbed the dead man's scythe and handed it to his copy, "Just don't get anything important. I want to enjoy watching whatever these guys can do soon."

Grinning, the reaper returned and held his scythe, "Sure thing, boss."

With a single swing, the copy-reaper stabbed the inspector on the side, getting the weapon stuck in his ribs but without piercing his lungs, "Gah! Ugh…" Naruto felt blood drip down his lips, but chuckled, "Yeah… it should look realistic now… Wow, it hurts, and quite a lot…"

His attacker grinned, "Good, now see if you can ask for help…"

Smiling through the pain, Naruto held up the ram-themed key, "No worries, I know the cavalry's coming…"

With a twist, the beautiful pink-haired Aries appeared, and what she saw horrified her, "M-Mr. Uzumaki!" she cried when the inspector held the reaper's scythe.

Chuckling despite his injury, the whiskered man spoke firmly to her, "Sorry for this state of mine, Aries-chan, but I can't hold him for long…"

Nodding firmly, the girl turned to the reaper, who cringed, "Shit!" Using his own wind, he blasted a hole just as Aries was attacking. No one would have thought cotton could be dangerous unless they faced Aries and made her mad. Seeing the kind man that had taken her in, protected her key, and treated her like any woman would wish to be attended to, mad was an understatement.

So that was the scene that the Fairy Tail mages arrived to, the leader of the dark guild escaping, Naruto bleeding with a scythe on his side, and a cute sheep girl protecting him.

Bizarre didn't even begin to describe it, but no one would ever know what the inspector was really capable of… unless he wanted them to.

 **XXXXXX**

And that's my rap!

To make things clear, while the inspector has his goals, he still wishes to have a peaceful life. It just occurred to me, Yami Naruto always wanted to get rid of all the people that made Naruto's life a misery. My mind and its weird ways of connecting dots made me think of Yoshikage Kira's desire to be rid of pursuers. So, yeah, he's a guy who has the goal of being a complete being, but after that he would rather have a peaceful life being himself. The methods he will use, though, won't be as peaceful or friendly as he shows himself, once again inspired by Yoshikage Kira.

As for the butler, the fencer style came to mind when I pictured a loyal servant of a crown, a musketeer, who fights for justice first and foremost but won't let his pride be questioned. That, and I really wanted to do a fic with a fencer thanks to Jean Pierre Polnareff and his Silver Chariot.

Swordslinger out!


	4. Biter and Teaser

I OWN NOTHING

Everyone can agree people want a life in which they don't have to worry about anything at all. The question many make is, what would someone do to achieve and maintain such a lifestyle? Pretentious? Moi?

 **XXXXXX**

"Ow! Ow! Ow…"

Watching Naruto wince was heartbreaking for Aries as she and Erza tried to bandage him while Lucy wasn't sure if she should ask the injured, shirtless, good-looking inspector about the spirit he had. She did try to think on what to ask, but for a rather lanky man who could be confused as more skin than bones, he had a nice amount of muscle. He was strong and had some scars that had the blonde and sheep girl blushing.

"Hold still." Erza told him and applied pressure, "You're lucky to have stopped the scythe before it got your lungs, otherwise you wouldn't be this noisy."

He managed to give her a grin, a pained one, though, "Please don't break my poor heart, Erza-chan. It's not like I asked to fight the guy. He was certainly stronger than that shadow guy. I bet even you would have a tough time with him." He tried not to grin wider as he noticed Natsu tensing, "I was able to go unharmed for a good part, but then he actually got to me and I only had the strength to get cute little Aries' help."

"Y-You… You should've summoned me sooner!" the sheep girl tried to sound serious and scold him, but she only managed to make her worry and affection for him that much more obvious. She had helped him get his clothes off and was holding his bloodied shirt and coat tightly along his scarf. Lucy had managed to grab his hat when they went to look for him.

Waving a hand, he tried to keep his carefree act, "I'll do, please trust me! I just wasn't prepared, so I beg you, give me a chance to breathe properly before I make it up to you, alright? How's lunch sound?"

Lucy didn't know why – she did narrow her eyes at the sheep girl and the smiling blond – but she stepped forward, "N-Naruto!" she froze when all looked at her for her outburst, but quickly thought of what to say, "You should tell us why you have a spirit with you! Not only that, but such a rare key like Aries… Why do you have her with you?"

He sighed and grunted when Erza tightened the bandages she was wrapping around his sides, "Ugh… You- Ouch, kinder!"

"Sorry." Erza said as she started undoing some of her wrappings, "I'm not used to this."

"As I wanted to say…" he started, his face softening, "You remember that the first Spirit mage I met wasn't the best kind, right?"

Lucy nodded slowly, eyeing him careful for any change in his expressions, "You told me she used one of her spirits as…"

When she trailed off and turned to Aries, Naruto continued, "Yes, that is her. When that lady died, Aries was left alone and defenseless. I was lucky to be told to talk to her master, since that lady was too stubborn to listen to reason. Sadly, well, she couldn't summon a spirit because she had gone too far with Aries, so one rebelled against her and kept her from using her keys. At least that's what I've been told."

Aries nodded, looking down, "Leo-san did it for my sake, but in the end…"

Lucy felt her heart sink when seeing the shy spirit's eyes fill with tears, "But that's awful!" she exclaimed, shocking Aries and even surprising Naruto, "I get it, your friend tried to help you and that got a woman killed, but from what Naruto said I can't help but feel sorrier for you than her!" she held a tightened fist to her chest, "She used you, didn't she? Like you were a tool. If I was Leo, I'd have done the same as him!"

Resisting the urge to whistle at the blonde girl's outburst, Naruto pondered on what he was seeing, ' _Definitely better than that rotten woman. I could say I feel sorry that cat man left her to die, but I'd be a liar._ ' He stared at Lucy and asked, "Lucy-chan, did you guess why I wanted to see you in action?"

Lucy looked at him quizzically, "You wanted to assess me, didn't you?"

He gave her a pained grin, for Erza was reapplying the bandages, "And to see what a good partner you could be for your spirits."

Aries and Lucy turned to each other in surprise before looking at the shirtless blond again, "You mean…"

"Pretty much." He answered and bit back a groan as Erza made sure his wound wasn't bleeding with more pressure, "I didn't get to see you in action, but I got to see you have the attitude."

Widening her eyes in shock, Aries spoke, "So does that mean this girl will be my new-"

"No!" he yelled, mostly from the pain when Erza got a little rougher, "Ow! Softer, please!"

"Sorry…" she gave him an apologetic nod and continued.

He sighed and continued, "As I said, no."

"What, but why?" Lucy was curious, there was no hint of anger in her voice.

"Yeah, I thought you wanted her because of her kindness…" Aries added.

Shaking his head, he explained, "Attitude doesn't equal skills." He looked at Lucy seriously, "Sorry, but I can't give you Aries like that unless I know you can not only handle her, but keep her safe. It might be cruel to tell this to a Spirit mage when I'm not one, but I don't want to trust her to anyone just like that. After all she went through serving as some wicked woman's slave, I want the best for her."

Looking at him, Lucy tightened her fists and gave him a determined look, "Then what should I do? If you wanted to trust me, I want to prove I'm at least good enough to help."

"You can probably guess, but I wanted to see you in action." He explained, "If you are respected by your spirits and they do a good job at fighting, I will consider giving you Aries-chan's key. Should you not be up to being in a guild, rookie or not, I will start looking for better candidates." Then he gave her a grin, "Though, to be honest, I'd like to see what you're capable of. After hearing about spirits, I always wanted to see what a mage that could use all twelve of the golden keys is like. If you were such a mage, I'd give you Aries-chan's key, no doubt."

Lucy nodded, "Then I'll do my best to prove myself."

Naruto gave her a one-eyed smile, "Goodie." Then he turned to Erza, "So, about that date…"

Erza chuckled through her nose and gave him a small smile, "Fine, I will make it up to you for enduring my medical care and helping us so much."

And both Aries and Lucy's cheeks puffed up adorably as the redhead helped the inspector stand up.

XXXXXX

In a completely different world, in a fancy throne room that Panther Lily never felt comfortable in, was an old king. A long white beard, his expensive robe, and the mad look in his eyes made him the average crazy old king. Panther Lily had been around the man enough to see that his mind was a pool of hatred and selfishness. Should one not agree with him, it'd be treated like a crime, even if it could be the man's own family.

Thus, the Exceed knight had to swallow his pride and anger and keep appearances, especially when he was bowing to the king to inform the man of an arrival, "Your Majesty, please forgive this sudden intrusion, an important matter has occurred. Allow me to present you the Exceed queen's butler and bodyguard, Naruto Uzumaki."

Faust was old as dirt, but he wasn't senile enough to ignore the threat the young blond presented, "I was curious about your visit, Sir Uzumaki. Not once did I think someone of your caliber would be so forward."

Noticing how the king forced himself to act cordially, the butler replied in the same way, "I fear I'm wasting your time, Your Highness." He adjusted his monocle with a hand, taking that brief pause to see the subtle twitches that showed Faust get slightly angrier, "Do forgive my bluntness, I implore you. The reason for my visit is important to me, if you understand my meaning."

Stepping up for the king, Knightwalker addressed the inexpressive young man, "Get to the point, butler." She gripped her spear tightly, fearing he was onto them.

Putting his hands behind his back, Naruto gave her a single nod, "As you may have figured out, the queen's been absent from the public eye. True, she's held meetings with the Exceed nobility, but it's because her duties demand so. Now I must be clear here. No, she is not ill, threatened, or even worried about anything. I make sure of that. I just worry that she's… bored."

Faust gripped his throne's armrest tightly, but controlled himself before an outburst, ' _What?! This damn brat… Is he toying with me? That face of his makes me sick, always keeping that attitude because he's with a furry tart._ ' He breathed deeply to calm himself and reply, "Explain yourself, because your reasoning is… really trying my patience."

"My apologies." The butler bowed his head a few degrees forward to be formal, "I meant to say the queen's life has been too dull. As her butler, there is nothing more I worry over than her happiness and health. A little reassurance is all I need. Your magic reserves seem to be running low, which is why I need to ask when will the next batch come. I'd like to take the queen to one of your theme parks to let her enjoy herself."

"What manner of insult is this?!" Faust asked loudly, but saw the foxy blond man's eyes narrow slightly, so he quickly fixed his mistake, "Taking a woman who is a deity to have fun among us lowly mortals?! Butler, do you know what you're saying?! She belongs with her people, and while I… admire your concern for her, you're asking for us to let her in here like she's one of us!"

Naruto didn't look fazed, ' _I know you say that line of her not being like you because you think too highly of yourself, however, I have to keep playing._ ' his perfect poker face remained as he elaborated, "I admit that I am too blunt for my own good. However, I will accept any punishment you see fit for saying I won't apologize for my desire. To see her enjoy herself is what I think she needs."

"Enough!" Faust roared, "I won't hear your… tomfoolery any further!" he raised a hand to halt his next words, "You dare disgrace us… her… the Exceed… by bringing the Exceed queen herself to our playgrounds! I should have you apprehended, but I am a just man!" he stood up and walked to the butler, "Return to your queen and tell her of your foolishness, then ask for her forgiveness! She should never come here!"

Panther Lily put a hand on Naruto's shoulder, "I'm sorry, Your Majesty, I didn't know this was his plan. I shall lead him out."

"Do so please, Panther Lily." The king said as he turned and fumed back to his throne.

And as soon as they were away from any ears or eyes, Panther Lily turned to the blond, "Was your plan a success?"

"And an insight on how desperate he's getting." The blond commented as he and Panther Lily turned around a corner… to find another butler, "Is everything in order?"

Panther Lily sighed as he watched the copy disappear in a cloud of smoke, "I'm never going to get used to that."

"It works for what is needed." The real butler said as he grabbed a piece of paper where the clone had stood on, "And what we need is a good key."

"You never cease to surprise me." the taller knight said, "Getting those blueprints without anyone noticing shouldn't have been an easy task."

Turning his head to the large Exceed, the butler replied, "Having no emotions to cloud my judgment helps me to focus and think more rationally and logically."

"You could use a better sense of humor." Panther Lily said bluntly.

"That is a work in progress." Was the blond man's answer.

XXXXXX

Back in his apartment, the inspector had some trouble. He looked at himself on his bedroom's mirror in identical clothes to the ones he wore when he first met Wendy, travelled on a train, and now had for dinner with Erza. Giving himself a one-eyed stare, he looked at his wardrobe, which was filled with multiple sets of the same suit he had on. On a nearby trash can one could find the bloody bandages he took off, no longer needing them after the wound sealed itself shut when he arrived home.

"What to do?" he asked his reflection, patting the hat on his head, "I can leave the scarf here, but should I leave my hat? I didn't think Erza would agree, but then again, she knows she needs to enjoy herself. Hmm… I can possibly use the hat and put it on a chair. My, I guess this is the price of being the one stuck with all the emotions. Naruto Uzumaki is attached to headwear, like I can't let my forehead get cold."

He told himself with a slightly embarrassed smile before shrugging to his image, "That said, you look good."

Turning his head without losing his smile, he tipped up his hat to look better at the one before him, "Oh my, and you are here because…?"

His guest approached him with a sway of wide, womanly hips, "Because you left a mess that the council is breathing down my neck for."

Chuckling through his nose, he approached the woman, "Sorry, Ultear my dear. I really didn't think me getting involved would get so… chaotic. I just wanted to stay on the sidelines, honest."

"Says a man who doesn't bother locking his door." She answered with a small smile.

Rubbing the back of his head, he smiled sheepishly, "Come on, you didn't expect me to not notice you walking behind me, right? I couldn't ignore the sound of your heels. I'm used to them at the office."

She was surprised he knew that she had been trailing him, but after a second she wasn't, "I forgot you're an oddball of many odder skills."

"I'll take it as a compliment." He said with a good-natured smile and a polite bow, "So, are you really here because of the council not liking me that much?"

"Among other things." She started, "Keeping the fact you had a golden key, one pertaining to the Spirit mage you were investigating for a trial, and that you happened to get a hold of is something to look into."

Giving her the benefit of seeing him sigh tiredly, he answered swiftly, "What did you expect?" he looked her in the eye with both closed like a squinty-eyed fox, "Being at the wrong place at the wrong time is normal. I just happened to call that woman to talk to her about what happened, it wasn't my fault she was so hellbent on making money by taking on a mission alone. It wasn't easy to keep her safe either, but I managed to prevent the ones that dealt with her from taking all of her keys."

"What if I knew more details?" Ultear asked, hoping to see him show anger, shock, or fear. When she got none, she continued, "I heard someone informed her targets of her actions."

"It wouldn't surprise me." he started, "Being a mage means someone makes enemy, and there were plenty of other girls in guilds that hated her guts. Last but not least, she was never pleasant to be around."

"I'm informed you fought to keep Aries' key safe, too." She started, "You arrived right at the moment of her death and were barely able to escape with her key."

"Pretty much since I'm not much of a fighter." He lied expertly.

"Sorry if it feels like an interrogation, I just didn't expect you to keep details from me." she told him softly.

Putting on an ashamed face, he gave her a one-eyed stare, "Sorry… After everything that I saw Aries endure at the hands of that woman, I just felt powerless. Is there ever a moment like that, in which you know a bad thing must be done to help someone? Well, I know you got your reasons to do what you must, Ultear. However, I just couldn't stand Aries being thrown around to any man like a chewing toy to some mutts."

Something he said hit too close to home for Ultear, whose eyes flashed with the image of a young girl, "I see you're still someone who clings to their emotions."

"At times it's all I got." He told her with a one-eyed grin, "So, is there anything you'd like to know? I'll try to answer your questions as honestly as I can."

"I think I'll take my leave." She sighed and turned around, eyes closed, "I don't know why I ever doubted such a simpleton like yourself."

He winced overdramatically, "Ouch! That was actually good to hear but it still stung, Ultear!"

After chuckling through her nose, she left with a sway on her hips, "It's part of the job, I can't let you be too complacent."

Once she closed the door, he sighed and put on his hat, smiling cheekily at his reflection, "It's not complacent, it's confident, but not overconfident, my dear." He looked at the key still in his shirt's breast pocket, "A guy like me can't get comfortable. Having a life as a complete person without bothersome things is not easy." And he showed his mirror his true colors with a foxy smirk, ' _After all, my plan to get rid of that rotten Karen and free Aries from her wasn't easy to pull off, but it worked out. Shame I couldn't get the other keys… the things I do to keep a normal life._ '

The sound of an alarm clock shook him out of his train of thought, so he rushed out of the door after grabbing his wallet and hat. With a hand keeping it in place the inspector raced to the spot where he would meet his lovely red-haired date. After getting into his moped and driving faster than any officer of the law would be happy with and using any necessary shortcut, he arrived at the place of his choosing.

"Naruto, it is nice to see you." Erza gave him a beautiful smile, dressed in an elegant dark blue dress with no sleeves and a few frills adorning it.

He panted as he sat with her at a table in an outdoors Italian restaurant, bowing his head slightly with his hat on his chest, "Sorry I'm out of breath, I was caught off guard by one of my superiors and hurried here." He gave her an apologetic version of his charming, one-eyed smile, "At least I didn't make you wait, did I?"

She smiled and handed him a menu, "Not at all, though I ordered our drinks. I hope you like red wine."

He chuckled slightly, "I'm more of a green tea and sake guy myself, but I do appreciate good wine with good food."

She closed her eyes and rested her elbows on the table, leaning her head forward with a smile, "I didn't know this place existed. Maybe I should have let you take me out when you offered before."

He snickered, "Come on, I'm the one that's supposed to tease." He put his hat on a chair and skimmed through the menu, "And I didn't try to get to know you more with good food for nothing. I mean every good thing I say about you, Erza-chan. Direct and all, you're still the best mage Fairy Tail has to offer when it comes to your personality."

She pulled a strand of hair behind her ear and closed her eyes, trying to look classy but he noticed her blush, "I'm still not as strong as I'd like to be. Besides, I thought we would be talking about each other more. As much as I like my guild, I would like to get better acquainted with you after seeing all you did for Lucy and Aries."

"You may be praising the wrong kind of man, though." He waved dismissively, "I may have tried to look good, but I was mostly a burden to you by letting that reaper disappear from your sight. Add to that the fact I was supposed to meet with Aries-chan's slaver and how that concluded, and you should see I'm not the kind of man you would be happy with."

She closed her eyes and put on a straight face, "True, but I still chose to be here. Even if you are an odd one at best, you show your emotions in bizarre ways that I find… refreshing." Looking at her glass of wine, she sighed nostalgically, "Trying to put a smile on hard times, holding on to something you desperately want… Your eyes tell me of such a thing. Maybe it's my artificial eye that lets me see it, or it could be the experience I had meeting people like you. I can tell you have a burden in your life, yet the way you try to move past it makes me think you're still a good man deep down."

He whistled, ' _Two ladies reading me easily… I mustn't let my guard down near them ever again, but still… quite the pretty ones to notice me._ ' he beamed at her, "I sound awful, though. Even sad and clingy. Are you sure a guy like that should go out on a date with you?"

Erza's eyes widened, and she looked away in shame, "No! I didn't mean it like… Sorry, by no means did I want to offend you! I was just speaking my mind…"

He chuckled and waved friendly at her, "Worry not, Erza-chan! It takes more than words to hurt my ego. What you say does hold truth. I'll admit I want something bizarre yet simple, and that I cling to it too much." He showed her a charming, warm grin with his teeth nearly flashing in the light, "A peaceful life without worries in which I can be my true self, that's my biggest ambition."

She turned to him, slightly dumbfounded at first before a chuckle came to her lips, "I guess I should have expected that from someone as calm yet openly emotional as you. You are one big contradiction, but that is life, I guess. To have a life without having to worry about anything…" she closed her eyes and slid a hand to her shoulder, "I wouldn't mind living that."

He tilted his head to the side, "Do you want to… talk about it?"

Opening her eyes a bit, she looked at him and nodded, "You could say I cling to my past. I wish I could move past it, and I basically have. However, there's a part of me that feels attached… shackled to it."

He gave her a reassuring smile, "We can't change the past, but we can change who we are however we want."

Smiling softly at him, she continued, "There were those dear to me that I wish to see again, and… one in particular that I…" he would've teased her to break the tension, but he kept his mouth shut seeing her eyes. The pain in those orbs that she barely managed to keep down told him enough, "I wish I could have changed some of the things I did for the better, no matter what."

"Are you talking about Siegrain?" he asked seriously, "I know you and the boss don't see each other eye to eye without some sparks flying. You can be honest, but I'll shut my yap about the topic if it bothers you."

Giving him a small smile, she gave him her answer, "Thank you, but it's not him. It is someone that looks like that man. To see them is like seeing the same, but they can't be."

Seeing how the conversation was going south, Naruto tried his best to reverse it, "I won't pry further, then. I'm sorry I brought up bad memories."

Shaking her head, she put on an apologetic smile, just showing how desperate she was to put the matter behind her, "No, it's okay. Let's order something and change topics, we need to cheer ourselves up, right?"

He put on his best smile, "That's what a date is for, or so I'm told." He got her to giggle a bit and he smiled back, though inwardly he was grinning maniacally, ' _Siegrain, I always suspected you. I guess I got my new target sooner than I expect-_ '

And his thoughts came to a screeching halt at the sound of a voice, "P-Please stop!"

Erza's mood soured immediately, "Phantom Lord…"

Naruto thought of said guild as arguably worse than Fairy Tail. While it's true that they didn't cause as much property damage or gave him more paperwork than needed, they were cartoonishly monstrous. He even pictured the guild's leader Jose twirling his string mustache like a Saturday morning cartoon villain. However, it seemed that he had the perfect opportunity to deal with at least one of them, so he took it.

"Excuse me." Naruto's soft words angered the male Phantom Lord mage, but he was lucky because Erza had been a second away from smashing his head through the wall into the floor.

The man wasn't happy to see him, though, mostly because he was having fun groping his date – although victim would fit her more, "Hey, why don't you go kiss the council's ass?!" he barked at the blond.

Keeping his one-eyed smile, Naruto chuckled softly, "Good, you know who I work for. That should make this easier, then."

The mage grinned smugly, wrapping his arm around the girl to pull her closer, "Can't you see we're having a good time? It's nothing to worry about if she doesn't say anything about it!" he grinned and pulled the girl closer, licking her face. Naruto watched her shiver, but she averted her eyes from him while the Phantom Lord member spoke, "She's just shy that I like getting personal!"

And Naruto clapped once, clasping his hands at the end with a close-eyed smile, "I guess not, but what I can do is tell you something important for you and your boss." He sat in front of the two, "I dislike trouble in any way, shape or form. We can be reasonable here. After all, we as men just want to enjoy the company of pretty girls and worry about nothing at all, am I right?"

The man grinned wickedly, "Hell yeah, that's what I'm talking about! Finally one of you uptight guys makes sense!"

"Yeah!" Naruto cheered too, grinning widely, "And if your girl's having fun, you should too!"

Erza was shocked at Naruto's words, but didn't do anything, ' _He's either baiting him or playing with him, but why?_ ' she watched curiously.

The mage scratched his chin, "Damn right… Heh, for an inspector you're not so bad. I thought you were a pansy for hanging around those Fairy Tail wusses."

Naruto snickered a bit, "It's funny that you mention it." He leaned closer to the man and, in a split second, yanked the mage by his collar to be joyful grin to terrified expression with him, "You see, I am a guy with a couple things he enjoys in life. You coming here, treating a girl like a cheap carnival toy, and acting like this while it's my job to make sure you don't really takes away the flavors of my meal."

The mage gasped as Naruto's grip on his collar started to choke him, "Guh… You bast-" and he couldn't get another word when Naruto held his jaw tightly.

"I am interested in a proper apology." He kept his warm grin, opened a single eye, and didn't ignore the man grabbed a fork, "Should you really try that? I'm just having fun with you and talking, am I not?"

The mage ground his teeth, "You asshole…"

Chortling smoothly, Naruto let go of the man, "We were talking, anyone here will attest of that. So, if you feel like you should attack me, do so. It won't change the fact you attacked an inspector. You can try to fool around and say that your girl is with you because she wants to, but I can try to be a pain. And I mean you haven't heard me singing karaoke, but I'd be a real pain. So, what'll it be?"

The mage had had enough, "Smug prick!"

In a split second, Naruto had grabbed his wrist when the fork was an inch from his eyeball and expertly judo-tossed the guy over his shoulder into the ground.

Casually, he took the fork off his hand and put it back on the table, "Please don't toy with this, it could be dangerous."

"You little shit!" the mage growled but found a delicate looking but insanely strong fist going at him to backhand his face to send him into a nice little sleep, courtesy of the blond's redhead date.

When he fell, Erza flexed her fingers, "You never cease to amaze me." she told him and approached the shocked girl, "Here, let us get you out to someplace safe. You can file a report with the inspector here."

"How about after our dinner?" Naruto chirped in, "If the lady wouldn't mind joining us. My treat."

"I… yes, thank you…" she leaned close to him, feeling safe.

"Are you sure?" Erza asked him with an amused smile, "Three's a crowd, as they say. You couldn't say you went on a date like that, more like you hung out with friends."

He put a hand on his chin and nodded thoughtfully, "Yeah, and saying I dated two ladies at once would be rude to you two, ungentlemanly even."

The redhead chuckled through her nose, "Once again, you still amaze me."

"Thanks, I try hard to not look bad before you." He bowed his head slightly to her, using the right angle to hide the fact he was pocketing the beaten up mage's wallet.

XXXXXX

"Hmm…" a certain butler hummed to himself in a street market filled with humans after taking a bit out of an apple.

The merchant before him smiled brightly, motioning to all the apples in his simple stand, "They're all fresh as you can see! If you want to make apple pie for your queen, you ought to buy here!"

Naruto took another bite out of his apple and judged the flavor more deeply, "The juice is good and the skin has a texture that makes it a joy to bite into… I'll buy a good five pounds. Two bags, please."

"Sure thing, sir!" the merchant cheered and did as told, "How many for which?"

"A pound for the queen's dessert is more than enough…" the blond mumbled his thoughts out loud, "Yeah, one pound and four separately."

"Hey!" Naruto didn't react at all to the sound of a cheerful voice behind him, two tiny hands covering his eyes while minding his monocle, or the hand that yanked off his apple to take a bite out of it.

He did reply, though, "Coco, to what do I owe the pleasure? Is Panther Lily too busy to play cards with you?"

"Boo, you're no fun!" the voice of a tiny, young girl a couple years older than Wendy at best whined at him before she jumped off his shoulders and started to run around the stoic man. She was small, and looked like a puppy with a small black nose, puppy eyes, and a green cap with long ears adorning it. She was barefoot and her only clothing consisted on blue pants and a yellow poncho/dress.

"What brings you to me today, then?" he asked and took his apple back before she could react, "Did I do anything in particular to have you here?"

She puffed up her cheeks rather cutely in anger, "I saw you walking in and wanted to see what you were up to! You are fast and all, so I want to play with you! I'm really, really bored at the castle! The king's been mad because of you, so I have no time to play and it's your fault! That's why we're playing now!"

Without even looking as he grabbed his two bags of apples with one hand, he used his free hand to grab the girl by the head gently, stopping her dead in her tracks even if she kept running, "Another day, perhaps. I am planning on trying to bake an apple pie for the queen's dessert. If you're a good girl and behave, I could use some of my apples to bake you one."

"Really?!" she had sparkles flying around her eyes at the idea of good food, and some drool started to drip down the side of her mouth.

Swiftly, he wiped her mouth, having to kneel down to do so, and spoke to her, "Only if you behave."

"Yes! I can't wait to try your food!" Coco cheered and followed him.

"By the way…" he started, "Why are you following me? Isn't the king's army more important than a butler?"

She beamed, "Nah, I just really want to do something fun since you made things boring, so getting your good food is good enough!"

"I see, I didn't think I was any decent." He looked up a bit in thought, "So far I just follow recipes." After a pause he regained his thoughts, "Anyway, isn't there more to your company than boredom?"

"Why must you use big fancy words?" she puffed her cheeks at him, "Try and say things directly."

"I fear I can't be more direct without being blunt, and that could be worse." He stated flatly, but did notice something, ' _It's not like I can ignore the one behind us either._ '

Before Coco could react, the butler had placed her behind him with his left arm protectively around her and Killer Queen drawn out. The blade shone as he aimed it at a blonde young woman, "I guess the rumors aren't for show." She smirked, grabbed a magic whip and cracked its beam chain against the floor, "Sorry, but we're kinda busy here, and since you already noticed me and drew your weapon, I can't just run off."

"Lucy Ashley." Naruto called her flatly, "What are you and your guild up to? Stealing more magic or food from the people who can barely afford them?"

She smirked, "We'd steal from the big honchos, but that's not easy. And your reputation precedes you as a guy who loves to poke his nose into other's business. As the Exceed queen's butler, why don't you poke it into her-" that was as far as she got before dashing back and lashing at him, which he ducked under before following her with a jump.

Biting a growl, she moved up her arms to block his, keeping his sword at bay, "Mocking me is alright with me. Insulting the queen with such words is another story." He delivered a swift palm strike with his left palm that knocked the wind out of her and sent her skidding back to a stop.

Lucy sucked in a sharp gasp and glared at him, "Ugh… Yeah, the rumors aren't for show…" she reached into her pockets and pulled out a small bomb, "You should know the ones about us aren't for show either!"

Her maniacal grin gave away her thoughts and Naruto took his more defensive stance, "Coco, go get help and I'll bake you two pies."

"You got it!" the girl dashed off at high speeds while the butler adjusted his monocle.

Lucy ground her teeth, "Hey, you smug prick, how about you act like this is serious and worry?!" she threw the bomb at him, which he was about to swat, if not for her words, "That's a contact bomb! Toss it aside if you dare show you care for yourself more than this people!"

Hearing that and seeing that they were in the middle of a busy street, he knew tossing it around could harm a bystander. However, he knew too well when someone was bluffing, and Lucy was shocked when he slid a foot forward and stabbed the bomb. Everyone screamed and ran off for safety, but quickly stopped when they didn't hear a big explosion. Upon looking back, they watched the butler taking the bomb off his blade.

"I'm a decent enough poker player." He started and threw the fake bomb behind him, "I also know for a fact you don't hurt civilians needlessly. You and your gang are just petty criminals."

Growling, Lucy jumped at him and cracked her whip, its beam of light flashing, "Let's see if you're that good a fighter, then!"

She stopped before him and lashed at him, which he sidestepped. He would have charged for an attack but she lifted her leg for a kick to his groin. Bringing forward his left arm, he stopped the strike and looked at her unamused and unsurprised. She grinned and giggled rather sadistically before jumping back and lashing once again. This time he leaned his body to the side while her whip crushed a stand into junk.

And the butler reacted to that, "Dammit, I wanted to get cinnamon from there to add flavor to the queen's dessert." He still spoke in a monotone, but his eyes narrowed slightly.

"Hey, dull-faced fox, don't ignore a pretty girl!" she lashed at him again, and he put his attention on her in earnest. Lucy watched him swing his sword in an arc, and observed mesmerized how the air itself was cut with a trail of azure wind, "Was that magi- My whip!"

She was utterly shocked when seeing the beam of her whip had grown shorter after the man cut it off with his sword. Twirling his blade in his hand once, he swung his rapier again and got another chunk of the beam chain cut off. Lucy backed away and kept lashing at him, but it only made her whip shorter and shorter until her back hit the wall. And with no other option, she knew she had to use her trump card.

"Enough games." He said as he aimed his sword at her neck.

Giggling nervously, she smiled and reached for the front of her top, to the zipper, "H-How about we talk it out, big guy…?" she pulled it down to let him see her massive breasts.

But he didn't blink, "Nice try, but I've seen and played with bigger."

"Play with this, then!" she shouted as she pulled a bomb, a real one, out of the space between her boobs, "Bye!"

Naruto groaned when bomb covered the entire street in smoke and he would have been mad… had his left arm not shot out and grabbed the blonde by her collar. When the smoke cleared, Lucy was back where she had been with the butler's left hand keeping her steady and his rapier inches from her face. Despite the situation, she bore her teeth at him in an angry scowl.

"Wait here like a good little girl," he told her dryly, "maybe you'll get your just desserts."

Lucy's face changed from anger to disgust, "Please… oh please tell me you feel bad with such a bad sense of humor."

"It's a work in progress."

 **XXXXXX**

And that's my rap!

Next chapter you'll see the consequences of the inspector's actions against Phantom Lord and the results of the butler for capturing Lucy Ashely. I know the scenes didn't seem to add much to the story, but they were meant as a trigger. Big events tend to be created thanks to very small ones.

Swordslinger out!


	5. Dandy and Deceiver

I OWN NOTHING

I know things you wouldn't imagine in this life, like the best way to get away with murder is not committing it, marriage is the main cause of divorce, and you shouldn't drink orange juice after brushing your teeth.

 **XXXXXX**

"That blasted dandy poser!"

Jose was best described as a male witch. With his pointy hat, robe and string mustache he was a broom and mad cackle away from being confused for a witch.

But try as he may, banging his fist on a table of Phantom Lord's guild would not change a thing. The mage Naruto met in his date with Erza had his mouth wired shut from Erza's punch, and the barely legal guild couldn't do a thing. Since everyone stated the blond did not attack first, it was all blamed on them. Even if the inspector taunted him, the mage shouldn't have reacted that way with a very prestigious inspector that worked for the council.

"Tch… the council usually lets us get away with messing those Fairy Tail wusses' shit, what's his deal?" a man with a long black mane of spiky hair complained as he bit on a steel gear.

"Sounds to me like he's enjoying the girls' company, not that I'd blame him." Another with a top hat chuckled darkly.

The wild-haired male put down the scrap metal he was eating to laugh, "So those girls are practically using their bodies for favors?! Hah! Why hasn't anyone made this known to everyone?!"

"Because the last time someone hinted at such a thing the inspector proved them wrong and the council ended with that person's career and life." A man practicing his fire control answered flatly.

Jose stroked his mustache and looked at the group before him, "He is a gentleman to any lady, so he does have a weakness for them. But how to use it…?"

All four talking males turned to a window where a girl with blue hair in a black rain outfit with a Russian style hat stood outside the building. She had pale skin so smooth it was like cream, a body to die and kill for, and lonely eyes. She had quite an odd hairstyle with all her hair curled on her shoulders in a style reminiscent of the decorative wigs nobles used from the times before electricity was discovered. The men grinned.

As for the inspector, "Just my luck..." he let out a heavy sigh as he exited his favorite bakery, "That blond guy in the colorful suit got the last chicken sandwich. I guess that shows I should ask for a longer break."

He did get a couple of plain donuts in a box, which he was about to open if not for the sound of a lovely lady's voice, "Mr. Uzumaki!" he saw a petite girl with feathery blue hair waving at him.

Smiling as he walked to her, he closed a single eye, "Levy-chan, nice to see you. Where are your two bodyguards?"

She giggled, "We just got back from a mission and all of us have things to do." She brought up her hands to show him plastic bags with groceries.

"I certainly envy you mages, choosing what to do and when to do it…" he opened the box and offered her a donut, "Here's my midday snack, want one?"

She grabbed one with a beaming smile, "Thank you. So, I've been told you talked to Lucy."

He leaned his head to the side but kept his smile, "Are you that familiar with her already?"

Rubbing the back of her head mildly embarrassed, she answered, "We love stories, so we've been bonding over books and whatever she writes."

He decided to be playful with a warm grin, "Ah, girl stuff. I can understand, no need to tell me it's not my thing and that I shouldn't probe…" he dramatically made a single-handed pushing motion to the side.

Again, Levy giggled, "Don't be like that, you could join us and make a small book club. The more the merrier." She gave the donut a bite and smiled, "This is good!"

He gave her a sheepish one-eyed grin, "I know, and to your previous statement, I don't know. The genres I like may not be to your liking. I like my adventures with some dark elements. I just love seeing stories where rational people are in irrational places trying to keep what few embers of hope remain while some big jerk tries to put them out by taking a leak on them."

"But doesn't it sound heroic when people fight those odds to change things for the better?" she asked innocently.

Shrugging was his best non-verbal response, "I guess it depends on how you look at it. I'm so used to people getting happy endings without much trouble that it gets tiring."

"Well, maybe you haven't read the right one?" she tempted him and handed the blond a book which he stared at quizzically, "It may at least be decent for you."

He pocketed it in his coat, "Wouldn't hurt to try decent. So, aside from shopping, what's a cute little thing like you doing here?"

"Looking for a place to have lunch a-" Levy paused when a raindrop hit her nose, "Oh no, I left my laundry out! Sorry, gotta go!"

She hurried away as the rain started to get heavier and Naruto was quick to run to the nearest tree in a park to get some shelter. After shaking his hat off water and pondering his options, he merely sat on a bench and started eating his donuts. He didn't have to be back at his office for some time, and if he did he could go there in a flash of yellow light. Besides, calm rainy days with donuts couldn't be beat.

It was better with company, like the one before him, "Oh… hello?" she said awkwardly.

He waved with a warm grin, "Hi there."

"Could Juvia take a seat?"

"Sure." He moved to the side, and they were soon wrapped in the soothing sound of rain, "I never thought I'd meet someone who'd talk in third person."

Juvia took a moment to reply, "Nice weather we're having, right?" she took a moment to say that, but when she realized her words she looked away and groaned to herself, ' _No! Do not follow the script that well!_ '

He looked at the gray tones the city got from the rain and smiled, "It's relaxing in a way." He said and offered her a donut, "Want one? I fear I bought too many for myself, and eating too much sugar on an empty stomach is not good for me."

She took a donut and stared at him in awe, forgetting what she was supposed to do, "You do not dislike rain?"

He snickered, "I was quite the troublemaker as a kid. Raindrops did well to hide the sound of my footsteps, and hey, what kid doesn't like to play in the rain and make a mess? It's like going to a water park."

She giggled like a stereotypical airhead with her hand to her mouth before speaking, "Hah hah hah! You are so eloquent, good sir!" she then mentally kicked her own shapely ass, ' _Agh, dammit! Juvia studied that blasted script too well! Come on, Juvia can do it! She shall seduce this man to allow Phantom Lord to have all the freedom needed to crush those Fairy Tail pests!_ '

"So your name's Juvia, right?" Naruto started, ' _I feel like I've seen her before, but where…?_ '

She squeaked, "Y-Yes!" her head bobbed up and down at a fast rate to answer him, "Juvia is glad to meet you, mister…"

"If you're letting me talk to you on a first name basis, you can do the same. Call me Naruto." She stared at him slightly baffled, to which he chuckled, "I know, like the fishcake. You can laugh if you feel like it."

She eyed him to try and see if he was tricking her, ' _He's being too nice to Juvia, does he know she's seducing him or is he enraptured by her beauty?_ '

Seeing that the silence returned, he looked at the rain and spoke again, "I wonder if the rain will stop."

Juvia turned to him, shocked, "Why do you say that after saying you liked it?"

"I didn't lie, but…" he brought up the box of donuts, "…these are freshly baked and are best hot, not wet."

"Oh…" she felt a bit sorry for thinking the worst of him, ' _Juvia thought he was lying about liking her rain._ '

"Do you want to help me finish them?" he tilted his hat up and asked that with a one-eyed warm smile, "We can talk or just eat, your choice."

"My choice…?" she was taken back, ' _No one has ever asked Juvia what she wanted to do or let her choose? This kind mind is too nice to Juvia… Could Juvia be in love?_ '

He kept his smile, but her stare did confuse him, "Yes, only if you want to, though I'd be sad if these donuts were wasted on such a nice day."

"Juvia wouldn't mind you taking her buns!" she exclaimed, and then understood what she said, "She means… Juvia would be glad to share everything with you!"

"I see, you're an odd one, aren't you?" he kept his cool and chuckled, "It's nice, I honestly like people like you."

Juvia's heart felt a powerful sting that made her mind swarm with images of the man before her repeating those words while holding her in his arms with a seductive smile.

She had utterly failed her mission, but she didn't give a damn.

XXXXXX

"You must be joking!"

Knightwalker wasn't having a good day after hearing that not only one of the infamous Fairy Tail's members was captured by a butler, but the fact that the man demanded to keep her as his prisoner. King Faust was downright outraged, but the Exceed had the final say in the matter. Suffice to say, having a good relationship with the queen of the entire race allowed the blond emotionless man to get away with a lot of things.

And thus, he was in a cell in the Exceed castle with Lucy Ashley glaring at him, "Surely you understand I don't have much of a sense of humor." He told the girl fully restrained with shackles over shackles and small Exceed knights aiming their spears at her, "You're my prisoner. As long as that stands with the queen's say so, Faust won't lay a finger on you without my permission."

The blonde bombshell turned her nose, "Should I be happy, grateful, honored?"

"I expect you to understand I have reasons to do what I must." He started, intertwining his fingers in front of his mouth while his monocle shone in the dimly lit room, "This matter will remain private, am I clear?"

When the Exceed nodded and left them alone, Lucy looked at him in disgust, "You're not touching me, you sick perv-"

He cut her off before she continued her dirty train of thought, "Like I said, I have been with a far better woman than you."

The lack of tact typical of the Uzumaki remained on him, "Did you just get me here to mock me?!" she shouted and tried to break free to strangle him.

"Heavens no." was his dry reply, "I have a proposition that may benefit both of us."

That made her stop to look at him understandably weirded out, "Why would you want to associate with us, a band of infamous outlaws?"

Before answering, he pulled out a tea set he had kept hidden under the table, with steam coming out of the pot, "Let me make tea for us as we discuss this." He told her calmly grabbed a traditional Japanese bowl, "You may be my prisoner, but you are also my guest."

She eyed him carefully before answering him, "I'll take mine black with milk."

He nodded and started making hers, "You're not questioning this little conversation?" She glared, giving him enough of an answer, "Alright, you want me to get to the point. As you figured out, I dislike Faust. To call such a man king feels like an insult to the word. Are you surprised that we've kept an eye on him and his greedy ways? Or are you wondering why I, a butler, of all people is scheming his downfall?"

"I was wondering a bit of that, and also why you're being such a smug asshole about it." She dryly replied.

"You should also know I don't do smug." He calmly answered as he mixed the ingredients, "Talking to a possible ally and insult them with my attitude wouldn't do well for my goals: to see the queen happy."

While confused at his words, she could understand him, "I heard she was special to you, not that much…"

"Perhaps I am clingy and just stay close to the one person to treat me kindly upon my arrival." He explained softly before narrowing his eyes, "A person who, if any harm came to her, I'd let the offender understand that there are fates worse than death, and that I can show them every single one."

Despite her attitude, she shivered at his words, for she knew that he meant every single syllable, "So… If you're risking this much talking to me, what's your plan?"

"You are a pack of troublemakers in Faust's eyes." He started and poured two cups for each other, handing her one, "I'd like to see you and your merry gang behave like the punks you are and do so where it hurts."

She observed him lift his cup towards hers, and grinned as the two cheered, "Sounds good to me, partner."

XXXXXX

"Huh…"

Back with the inspector a day after he met Juvia, he was surprised to find a package at his door in one of the council building's many large halls. Upon entering his door and carefully unwrapping the box, he discovered someone sent him chocolates. Taking a single bite proved to be a great idea for the mixture of sugar and bitterness of the cocoa was perfect. It melted in his mouth with ease and didn't leave any sour aftertaste.

"I see you've gotten some attention." Ultear told him once she entered the office to check on him as usual.

He finished his current mouthful of chocolate and aimed a finger at her, "Now, now, jealousy is unfitting of a lady like yourself, my dear. But who knows? You are a dear and I may share these…" He offered her one of the candies, but just as she was about to grab one the inspector slyly pulled it away, "Hmm, perhaps I shouldn't share. Someone went through all the trouble to make these for me."

She smiled at his playfulness, "Fine, I'll let you enjoy yourself so long as you're not getting too involved with other guilds." She lifted a stack of papers for him to see, "Many reports say you talk too well with female mages. Now, I know you'll debunk their lies and prove them wrong, but I'd like you to be more careful. No one wants to think one of our best favors a guild over others."

"Most guilds should behave first before I consider the idea of having favorites among them." He retorted calmly and smiled at her, leaning back on his chair with his hands clasped, "So, what are you really here for? Would you be willing to forgive me for being daring and think perhaps you're the one who gave me these chocolates?"

She chortled and shook her head, "I'll let you live in that fantasy world of yours. But no, I have to ask that you oversee a mission sent to all of Phantom Lord by a peculiar individual."

When she handed him the papers his face grew serious, "Is this… a joke?" he turned worriedly to her, "This is the excuse they need to declare war."

"And I'd like you to report everything that happens." She sighed tiredly, "Truth is, the council doesn't care so long as they can see either of these two guilds take the other out."

He gave her a one-eyed stare, "Sounds like something they would suggest. Killing two birds with one stone, or rather throwing a rock in the air and hope it kills a bird."

"Do you think you can handle it?" she asked seriously.

Taking a deep breath, he put down the papers and grabbed another chocolate, rolling it in a hand's fingers, "I've dealt with entire towns being burnt to the ground by both parties in this. I can deal with a war. After all…" he reached into a drawer labeled for Phantom Lord, and found a file with a familiar face, "I knew I saw this face… Heh, it seems I have an inside man, Ultear. Surprised by your subordinate's prowess?"

She gave him a small smile, "If you wish to go on a date with me, you still have to surprise me."

He winced with a single eye open, "Ouch! Your words are like knives!" she just chuckled and left, and once she closed the door he munched on his chocolate before taking a more serious expression, "She's right. As much as I dislike to say it, this is war. So, cute and lovely Juvia was trying to play me like a fiddle, huh?"

He examined her file and gave the picture of the lovely blue haired girl a warm, one-eyed smile that slowly grew into a foxy smirk thanks to the shadows in his office.

It wasn't long after the interesting revelation that he walked out of his office, chocolate box still in his hands, and tried to locate Juvia, but he didn't notice that he passed a very small pair, "Wendy…"

Said girl turned to her feline partner, "W-What is it?"

Her cat friend rubber her forehead with a paw, "I just realized we didn't put a letter or anything in that box."

The blue haired girl gasped and slightly teared up as she saw the man smile and nearly whistle after popping another chocolate in his mouth, "B-But I went through all the trouble to get it right! What should I do?!"

Being the good friend she was, Charla was direct, "Forget about him, for starters. He's way older than you and something about him rubs me the wrong way."

Cutely puffing her cheeks, Wendy pouted in the most adorable way, "He… He's really nice, so I can try… Besides, some girls go with older men."

Instead of being cartoonishly angry at such words, Charla slapped her forehead, "I helped being your taste-tester, I don't need this. I'm out of words to say, so let's just… go home and rethink our strategy."

Nodding slowly, Wendy stared at the man with a dreamy glint in her eyes, "I really wanted to impress him, though. He's really nice, and very handsome as well as manly, gentlemanly even."

"First, wait until you're old enough." Charla warned her friend, before muttering under her breath, "I just hope he declines so you can find a less shady man."

After the inspector popped the last chocolate in his mouth, he didn't have to wait long to meet his target with a warm, one-eyed smile under the rain, "Juvia-chan!" he waved, getting her attention.

With reddened cheeks, the water mage gasped happily and walked to him, "M-Mr. Naruto, how've you been?"

She felt warm as he tipped up his hat, ignoring the rain dripping down his face, "So far so good. It's good to see you, too. This sunny weather was getting too hot for my liking. A little rain really cools down the day."

"Juvia's so happy to hear you still like her rain…" she blushed and stared at her toes.

Patting her head to calm her down and get her attention, he put on his charming grin with both eyes staring into hers, "I knew I recognized your pretty face. See, I went through some files of mine and I felt rather silly for forgetting you." Juvia tensed, which he felt through the slight jolt of surprise that shook her body all the way to her hat, "So, Phantom Lord got an actually nice girl in their ranks. Color me impressed."

Looking down again, she forced herself to ask, "W-Why would you say that? Juvia is there, so it can't be that bad, right?"

He fake-pondered on it, "True, but you're too nice to be there, I think."

"What do you mean?" she asked concerned.

Letting go of her hat, he tipped his down, "Strong, beautiful, and quite resourceful. You got qualities other girls would not only envy but even kill for. However, I do know how Phantom Lord operates. Juvia, you can not lie to me on that front. I am a decent enough inspector to know the ways people like Jose and his posse think. Like-minded individuals who enjoy anarchy but dislike being in someone's shadow. That is not you."

Taking her time to process his last words, she asked, "Why… do you think so highly of Juvia? Are you just playing with her?"

The sadness in her voice said he had to act fast and smart, "I know of the dark side of people too well. Yours is obvious to me." he gently lifted her chin with a thumb as he tilted his hat up with a friendly, goofy grin, "You live surrounded by rain, but wouldn't mind getting out of it, right? To play with the other kids on a sunny day with a cool breeze thanks to the rain that just passed by… You're that kind of girl, Juvia."

"But… Juvia…" she started but was cut off by two warm hands on her shoulders.

"Hey, there's no need to worry." He started, "I dislike bothersome things in life, so why don't we try to put the cloudy days behind us and think of what to do on a sunny day? You deserve to enjoy the sun, too."

With that said, he wasn't surprised when she threw herself at him to hug him, crying her eyes out, "J-Juvia knew she'd find you! She knew she'd find a good person! Someone who'd let her be happy! Thank you!" A whimper was heard inside his coat as she coated it with tears.

Looking up, he smiled a bit and tilted up his hat to look at the clouds revealing the sun, "Come on, don't cry… You don't want to miss this kind of sky."

Pulling back, Juvia was mesmerized by the sun's rays surrounding them, "So this is… the sun…? Juvia can see why people like it." She sniffled but smiled softly as the light warmed her up.

Naruto for his part tilted down his hat to hide his eyes in the shadows, for the sly, sharp stare he had on them made his warm smile not as well-intentioned as he'd like it to look, ' _You're such a good girl, Juvia. Too bad that you should never be with a guy like me, but at least I can deal with someone far worse than yours truly._ ' He pulled away and closed both eyes as he asked, "Now, Juvia, I need you to be honest."

She wiped her eyes and nodded, "Juvia knows what you mean. Very well… Yes, Jose told her to try to trick you into falling for her."

"Good, do not skip any details." He smiled reassuringly.

Inside, though, he was nearly dancing.

XXXXXX

Meanwhile, outside the Exceed castle was a cart that human knights were guarding, and there was shouting.

"You lunatic! You maniac! How dare you take one of the king's greatest enemies into the Exceed queen's palace?!"

The butler was unfazed by Knightwalker yelling at his face. Lucy Ashley was shackled behind him and was handed to the other knights, with Knightwalker observing everything along Panther Lily. The redhead was beyond furious that the butler had the cheek to not only deny the king but act so casual after finally answering him and handing the humans the blonde prisoner.

Most irritating for her was how calm he was adjusting his monocle, "I was in my right to ask her why she wanted to attack me in case she and her group of miscreants could be targeting the queen through me. I do believe attacking the market with me and young Coco around was too much of a coincidence. Sadly, she didn't crack and no answers were given. That is why I hope you have better chances than I did."

She huffed, "Fine, I will give your logic that, but the next time you act this way…"

"You'll do what?" he asked firmly, finally getting his monocle in place.

She smirked, "There are rumors we can exploit, butler. And if the public doesn't like what they hear, you won't be on your high horse for long. After all, they wouldn't want a shady man around Her Majesty."

"Worry not, I have no fear for my reputation." He calmly crossed his arms behind his back and leaned his head down to look her directly in the eye, "Yours, though, I'd fear what could happen if you don't watch that prisoner. And no, that is no threat, that is a fair warning. She tried and nearly succeeded in escaping."

Frowning that she got no negative reaction from him, the redhead turned and shoved Lucy into the cart that they prepared for her, "Watch it! It's not my fault your boyfriend has a point!"

Seeing the rebel girl smirk mockingly at her, Knightwalker slammed the gate of the cart shut and turned to the driver, "We leave now, men!"

Before they did leave, Panther Lily turned to the butler, "Did you have to get under her nerves that much?"

"Did she have to try to insinuate anything to separate me from the queen?" was the man's monotonous reply, "Anyway, do keep an eye on Miss Ashley. Something tells me the bad food and lack of entertainment won't amuse her. Not to mention, having Knightwalker as company isn't a pleasure trip either."

Panther Lily chuckled as he shook his head, "And I thought your sense of humor was horrible."

"I've been getting tips from Her Majesty." Was the butler's reply before he waved goodbye over his shoulder to his taller friend, "Take care."

As the butler turned a corner, he moved away from the eyes of the Exceed in the castle, slipping unnoticed until getting to one of the outside gardens. A couple of jumps over some roofs later and he arrived outside.

There he found the same blonde girl that had been put in the cart, "Did it go as planned?" she asked with a smirk, knowing the answer.

He nodded, "My clone will dispel when they're close enough to Faust's castle. Knightwalker will be held responsible, as I'm sure Faust will try to shift all responsibilities to her. When that happens, you know…"

She saluted playfully, "Yes, sir. I'll get in touch with you after telling my friends of this plan of yours. Just one thing." she put her hands on her hips, "Could you take a picture of Knightwalker's face when she sees my fake escaped her? I could use it for a good laugh."

"I'll make no promises, but I'll try." He said as emotionless as ever.

She smirked and eyed him, "You know, after this we could-"

"I am with someone." He retorted swiftly, adjusting his monocle, "If this is a friendly drink you're suggesting, I'll go. If not, you have my answer."

She sighed, "Man, you're a stick in the mud. I was going to tell you to join us, you look strong enough to be of use."

"I'm afraid my answer is the same, I am with someone." He said dryly and looked her in the eye when the gears in her head started to spin, "And if you say anything witty about it, you will regret existing."

Shivering at his tone, she stood firmly as he left, "Sheesh… sensitive much? Then again, whoever he's with must be one Hell of a woman to keep up with that attitude."

As Queen Shagotte in her human form - obviously in her room - tried on sexy lingerie, she couldn't help avoid sneezing out of the blue. Thinking it was the breeze and thanking it didn't feel like a cold, she covered herself and returned to her Exceed form. She'd plan what attire to wear for the night later after a hot soup made by her butler. After the meal, she could think about ways on how to "eat" her butler.

XXXXXX

As Phantom Lord's things got bizarre.

"Boss, you have to see this!"

"What?" Jose asked as someone entered his guild, walking and looking suave with the wind blowing his red scarf.

"The fuck?" asked the wild-haired metal eater.

Naruto held his hat with a hand even as he tilted it up to look at the guild before him with a warm, close-eyed smile, "Howdy. Mr. Jose, I'd like to have a talk with you regarding a lovely girl I've met."

Hearing that, the curious guild master let the blond into his office, his first mistake. He didn't have any guards around due to the blond man's dedication to have a normal life without anyone looking for him. Jose's second mistake. And the third mistake was that he had far too many fine wine bottles in his office all for himself, and just offered the inspector the blandest tea he had ever had the displeasure of tasting.

"Please, tell me what are your concerns." Jose started trying to look civil.

The moment he closed his eyes, Naruto spat the tea in his mouth off to the side before putting down the cup, "I'll be frank about a matter that should remain between us." Jose tensed, the way Naruto smiled was too wide for comfort, "See, I met lovely Juvia-chan not long ago, and she is beautiful."

Thinking his half-assed plan of having the least socially savvy girl he could convince to work for him worked, Jose smiled, "So you came here to try to ask her out for a date without rumors starting?"

Naruto chuckled sheepishly, "Yeah… I feel slightly embarrassed, like I'm asking a father to let me date his daughter. Juvia's competent, smart, and quite lonely. In some ways she reminds me of a part of me that I've not been in touch with. On the other hand, she makes me think of a few girls I met and really wanted to help but was never capable of staying with for long. Huh, got a bit emotional there, sorry…"

Jose tried not to grin like the madman he was when seeing Naruto look down, "There are no worries, my good inspector. Juvia's her own free woman, and dating her shouldn't be a problem for your charms! Just a tiny favor, my friend. Going out with one of my most requested mages could be troublesome, and you and I know people may spread rumors about your affection for her. I can keep it all a secret, if you-"

"No, I'm going to interrupt you." Naruto tilted his hat up and gave the man a friendly, one-eyed foxy smile, "See, I wasn't sorry that I got emotional with you. I was sorry to myself. I can't believe I open my pie hole and talk about these matters to a man like you. A man who used the lovely girl I met like a puppet, a man who doesn't even hide his crimes but uses loopholes to his benefit, a man who can't even make decent tea."

Having grown increasingly angry with each of the inspector's words, Jose was mad, "How dare you?! Talking to me like that about one of my mages and-"

Naruto pulled out a file which he threw on the table, showing pictures of Phantom Lord's shady businesses, "Extortion, blackmail, and physical abuse of your clients won't do you good. And those things will make you even less good now that I have a good witness. One that can also testify about the ways you used Juvia not just to try to fool me, but to get away with anything because of her looks."

Jose ground his teeth, "Mere words that hold no weight! You should know, boy! After all, it will only look like you're forcing them to say so in a court."

Grinning warmly, Naruto closed both eyes and tilted down his hat, "See, that's why I love the legal system. It's so full of people using the loopholes to its advantage that it makes it all the more worthwhile to wait for a slip when you finally get one."

Without any warning, Naruto pulled out a knife from his coat and rammed it into his right hand, horrifying and confusing Jose, "W-What're you even doing?!"

Gritting his teeth, Naruto forced a smile as he pulled the knife out of his hand, "That's my line, catch." The blond threw the knife at the man, who instinctively caught it, and… "Ah! Help! No… No!"

Jose was horrified when Naruto threw himself backwards and started to crawl away while he stood there, with the knife in hand. It didn't take long for the other inspectors and officers that Naruto called to get into the office and see the most incriminating of fake crime scenes. And Jose knew that no matter what he said, what he did, or even if he could have anyone believe him, he was done. It was over for him.

And all because a man he mistook for a simpleton had the actual guts to stand up to him without caring for what dirty tricks he would have to use. After a quick trial, Jose was put in jail, Phantom Lord was disbanded, and Juvia's testimony as a witness made sure that Jose would never see the light of day in his life. Thus, Naruto was almost relaxing in his office with a certain addition.

"There!" The new addition smiled in a lovely secretary outfit consisting of a very small black skirt, a blue blouse that hugged her figure nicely, and black flat shoes.

Naruto stared at his reapplied bandages, "Wow, I never thought you'd have such skills, Juvia-chan." He told his new secretary, who didn't let him say no when she applied for the job, though… ' _I can't heal my hand the old-fashioned way with her taking care of it and me trying to look normal. Oh well, I knew I'd have to pay a price to deal with the first part of my plan._ '

"See? Her first day as your secretary, which is also the day after you helped Juvia break out of Phantom Lord, and she's making you proud!" she beamed, making it easier to deal with letting his hand heal normally.

"I'm surprised you were this convincing to Ultear and Siegrain." He admitted, "Not many would go to those two for permission on this. Though I'm more surprised they let you here…" he smiled playfully, "Maybe they did so to distract me with your loveliness from any dirty deeds they could be doing." He said so in a joking manner, but he figured it wasn't far from the truth.

She, however, got serious, "It doesn't matter! Juvia will make sure to help you catch them red-handed if you ask her to help or even if you don't! She trusts the man that made her heart see a sunny day!"

He rubbed the back of his head through his hat, using it to hide his distraught face, ' _I guess I did. If karma exists, it's biting me a bit too hard. Well, I got a force of nature for a secretary with magic that, if used right, could give Erza-chan a hard time. Definitely some upsides, I'll say. However, having her at my beck and call and non-beck and un-call will make my plans harder._ '

"Would you like Juvia to massage your shoulders or rub your feet, master?" she asked, and he pictured her in a maid outfit… oh wait, she had just changed in a millisecond into a lovely blue maid outfit.

"That attire makes you look nice… and bouncy…" he whispered the last two words to himself as her breasts jiggled slightly with a nice cleavage shot. Shaking his head, he collected his thoughts, "I mean, sure."

He felt that he had earned a massage, but… "Uzumaki!"

When Ultear arrived to see Juvia in a revealing maid outfit rubbing Naruto's shoulders, her eye nearly twitched as she stormed to him, making him worry, "Ultear?"

She put on a worried face, "I can't say this is your fault at all, you did far better than any other inspector or employee in this building when you dealt with Phantom Lord, but…"

"What's the matter?" he asked, feeling the tension in the air.

She took a deep breath, "They are attacking Fairy Tail. Last night Jose escaped. We feared he had gone to attack you, but it seems that his grudge with Fairy Tail is bigger. His entire guild is also charging against them and they aren't listening to reason. All other guilds are out of reach, and the council's too busy evacuating civilians."

"Why tell me this?" he asked, and nearly growled, ' _Dammit! I didn't think he'd be this mad! This is insane, even for that Saturday morning cartoon villain!_ '

She regained her composure, "You will be his second target once he's done."

"So you're advising me to run… or join the fray." He could see the look in her eyes.

She nodded firmly, "You may not be stronger than an S-rank mage, but you can handle yourself with your wit. Besides, you have a former A-rank mage as your secretary and bodyguard now."

Said water mage turned to him determinedly, "Juvia will protect her most beloved one, so tell her who to fight!"

Ultear smiled softly, "And that's why I let you work for him." She turned to the blond, "I know you're a good man deep down, Uzumaki. You're odd for sure, but you're not the kind of man I'd want harmed here."

Once she was gone, Naruto lazily closed his eyes, keeping one half-lid, ' _You're not fooling me, you want to see what I'm capable of. Hmm… Well, this mess is my responsibility, and I never liked Jose to begin with._ '

"What will you do, Naruto-san?" Juvia asked concerned.

He stood up and let out a tired sigh, "No other choice but see what use we can be. If Jose's this hell-bent on ending his grudge with Fairy Tail after what I did, I need to be serious." He pulled out a pair of black leather gloves and put them on, "Besides, I should do more than get rusty in this place."

 **XXXXXX**

And that's my rap!

I know it's shorter than the previous chapter, but that's because the big fight will take quite some time in the next. After that, well, I have some ideas. I hope you enjoyed the chapter regardless.

 **WARNING** : Wendy will be in the harem, but she'll be in after the island trial arc, in which she'll remain out to age into her adult/Edolas form. Relax now if you felt uncomfortable about her crush on the inspector.

Swordslinger out!


	6. Strider and Guardian

I OWN NOTHING

Many of you like the idea of Juvia in a maid outfit servicing Yami Naruto. I can't say I blame you since I came up with the idea. But did you know that maids also wear aprons?

 **XXXXXX**

It was chaos as the inspector rode his moped, Juvia hugging his back happily and letting him feel her wonders on his back.

"Juvia, can I be honest with you?" the blond man asked the mage who was still wearing her revealing maid outfit.

"Yes, you can!" she eagerly answered him at the thought in her head, ' _Will he say he needs Juvia at his side not because he needs her power, but her love to go on?_ '

Taking a moment to look at her enthusiasm and easily deduce what was in her mind, he decided to burst her bubble, "I'm not the only one who finds Jose's guild hideous, am I?"

She blinked and, surprisingly, wasn't heartbroken, "Well…" she sighed, "Juvia always thought that the whole moving castle thing was a bad idea. And the design makes it look like a cheap child's toy."

"So it wasn't just me, good." He stood far away from the battle, but observed the enormous magical automaton that was Phantom Lord's castle walking to Fairy Tail's guild, "Old man Makarov isn't here, huh? I know he isn't one to let his beloved troublemakers do all the hard work. What could be keeping the old man busy?"

His secretary gasped, "Juvia knows! Jose once planned to incapacitate his rival for this kind of assault. There is a mage with a top hat and a laugh Juvia hates the most that could have done so only if he snuck behind him! He must have managed to sneak in and them attack the man!"

Naruto frowned, picturing the battlefield, "Makarov's out, then. Otherwise his trump card would've been used to clean this mess." He saw fire, mages fighting in the battlefield, and made an observation, "I know for a fact Phantom Lord has a big magic cannon, so if they aren't using it then someone like Erza must have stopped it. Judging its power, she must be out too, and Laxus wouldn't fight here even if it meant…"

"Meant what…?" she asked worried.

"Let's say his way of thinking is similar yet far, far worse than mine." Was his cryptic answer, for he would dispose of anyone who he disliked, but only when those people were worse than him, not just idiots. "That is enough dillydallying, though. Let's see if we can sort out this mess. Hang on tight!"

He drove at high speed, Juvia yelping at the fact such a small vehicle could rocket off faster than most mages. When they got near the battlefield and Naruto found one of the Phantom Lord mages, he lifted his ride to jump high into the air and slam its front wheel on the mage's face. When the poor sap was knocked out, others were victim to the same tactic as Naruto kept bouncing on his moped until skidding to a halt.

"M-Mr. Naruto?!" Lucy asked in shock, holding a key he hadn't seen with her on the train ride.

He parked and got off his moped, "As inspector of the council of magic I have to clean this mess. Oh, and Lucy, this is Juvia. Juvia-chan, this is Lucy."

"Princess, we need to retreat." A monotonous voice said.

It was a girl with short pink hair, a black maid outfit as revealing as Juvia's, and two shackles on her wrists with broken chains said as she just popped out of the ground beside Lucy. Naruto would've complimented her in a more peaceful situation since she was quite the looker and filled her uniform nicely, but decided to get to the point. He could get details later with Lucy if he played his cards right.

"Another Spirit?" he did sound surprised.

Lucy sighed, "Turns out Happy had her key all the time during that mission and only remembered it after our way back home."

"I'm unsurprised." He replied.

"More enemies are coming, Princess." The maid warned the blonde.

More Phantom Lord mages appeared, and he was quick to pull a couple of his calling cards out. But before he could throw the sharp papers infused with wind chakra, all mages gasped as they fell on the floor. He turned to the pink spirit, who looked stoically back at him. Smiling softly at her, he threw the cards without looking at two mages that tried to climb up, making them fall with the papers stuck on their shoulders.

"It seems we have a thing for maids, Lucy-chan." He allowed himself to joke before getting serious, shuffling more calling cards in both hands like a poker player, "But as I imagine, you didn't expect this madness."

"Just why would they try to attack us?" she asked and Juvia answered.

"Jose's grudge against Fairy Tail runs deep, but he had a perfect opportunity to attack them when a client appeared." She looked at Lucy in an odd mixture of jealousy and pity, ' _She seems close to Juvia's Naruto. But Juvia is a girl too who understands of the pain of heart, so she must tell this blonde bimbo the truth at least. Naruto-san would want it to be that way._ ' She took a deep breath, "It was your father's request."

Lucy was frozen in shock, "Are you…"

"It's true." The inspector told her.

"Your father hired Phantom Lord to take you back home." Juvia added. "By any means necessary."

He continued, "I was going to try to stop him from fighting Fairy Tail by investigating Phantom Lord, but it got my hand like this." He showed her the wounds from his framing act, "Your father should get a refund."

"No…" Lucy breathed out, her eyes staring at nothing, "All of this…"

"If you say it's your fault, I may have to slap the silly out of you." Naruto said and pulled Lucy to him to keep her from getting hit on the head by a mace wielding mage, who he kicked in the face, "And there's plenty of guys here at Fairy Tail who'll say the same."

Seeing more mages incoming, Lucy called off the maid and summoned her minotaur, "Taurus!" the cow-man easily flung them back with a swing of his axe, and she turned to the inspector, "Why are you so sure?"

He threw five cards at three other charging mages, "I'll give you the short version: they're too emotional to blame you, so don't feel sorry about them. Besides, this is all Jose's doing. Whether your father wanted it or not, he'd have done this regardless."

Juvia huffed at the way Naruto protected Lucy like the girl was a princess, so when five mages ran at her with one of them screaming, "There's that traitorous bitch, after her!" she was happy to blow off some steam.

After the mages were sent flying off with a water blast, Naruto turned to his assistant, "Juvia-chan, keep Lucy safe. At this rate, I wouldn't put it past these guys to take Lucy away out of spite." He turned to them and sighed tiredly, "Give me a break, guys, I'm not even paid extra for this."

"That's the fucker that ruined our guild!" one of the mages shouted upon recognizing him, and soon many of the Phantom Lord members ignored Fairy Tail and went towards the inspector.

"Juvia, there's a girl called Levy and two guys with her, too." He told the water girl, "They're not really strong, but she can use wards to keep you girls safe if you need them."

"But Juvia can't leave Naruto-san alone here!" she cried, worried sick for him.

He ducked under a fireball before nailing the offending mage with another card that dug deep into his shoulder, "And you know this guild better than me, so give them a hand with any intel you have. I can handle myself, so don't worry, I am not letting you cry hearing I made a fool out of myself."

Although she worried sick, his warm smile at the end and the way he lightly tipped up his hat to wink at her made Juvia trust him, "If you say so, Juvia will do her best for you, Naruto-san."

Getting that out of the way, Naruto flipped backwards over a lightning spell that nearly hit his back and was even quicker to throw five cards at the offender, getting him in the legs. After his attacker fell on his knees the blond landed with his right foot on the mage's face, knocking him down and smashing his head on the ground. Lucy gaped as she saw him do so casually with a hand on his head to keep his hat there.

Realization hit her then, "Wait, I can give him some cover fire!" she pulled out a new key, "I haven't tried this one, so here goes nothing…"

After using it, a man in a horse costume with a bow and arrows appeared, "Hmm…" he took a moment to observe what was happening and turned to the blonde girl, "Do you wish for me to protect Aries' crush?"

Lucy was flabbergasted at the ridiculous outfit being her new spirit wore, but his words made her return to reality, "Y-Yes, please! And wait, what do you mean her crush!?"

The bowman merely took aim with five arrows, pleasantly surprising Naruto when some mages that had been throwing spells at him too far out of his reach dropped down, and then replied, "It's no secret."

"How so!?" Juvia asked worried.

"She is really cute whenever someone talks about it, blushing every time she gets a compliment for going for such a kind man. I fear some of the other female spirits tease her too much about it, though."

While Lucy and Juvia listened intently, Naruto had a clear path. He jumped on one of the giant automaton's legs and watched the battlefield as he ran up it. Just as he guessed, Makarov was down after some stooge in a top hat blindsided him. Erza, who looked weakened after taking quite a hit, was fighting the guy who was laughing maniacally. He found Natsu through a hole, the pink mage fighting another fire user. He was more than a little surprised to see Elfman keeping Mirajane safe in a fully monstrous form.

As they kept fighting he made his way to the top as fast as he could, only to hear a pained yelp from one of the mages, "Gray?" he jumped to close the distance and found the wild haired metal eater with his foot on Gray's head, "Gajeel, if memory serves me well." He whispered before making his appearance known by jumping down and clopping against the floor with his shoes.

"Ho…?" the clearly unhinged man smirked at him, stomping on Gray's head again, "Good to see you, inspector. I was getting tired of beating this guy up. Turns out you can't freeze something that continuously shreds ice. Now, let me see what you can do when I do the same to the asshole that ruined our guild!"

"Naruto Uzumaki at your service." He gave the man a cheeky, one-eyed grin complete with a bow of the head and his hat held singlehandedly on his chest.

Seeing that his plans to intimidate the inspector didn't work pissed off the metal mage, "Smartass, huh?" his skin changed, turning into metallic scales, "Well, let's see how long you can keep that up."

Putting his hat back on, the blond snickered, almost giggling, "S-Sorry… Pfft!"

Gajeel grew madder, "What're you-"

Mid-chortling, the blond answered, "You are as strong as Natsu."

Being compared to others without saying he was better angered him more, "What're you talking about, piss stain?!"

Taking a deep breath to calm down, the inspector answered softly, "Again, sorry… You trying to hit me is a bit funny to me."

Gajeel wasn't just mad, he was furious as he charged at the inspector, "You're dead meat!"

XXXXXX

Other battles were dealt differently.

Wearing a black apron over his everyday attire and with his shirt's sleeves rolled up near the elbows, the butler was a hat away from looking like the most suspicious chef in the world. Naruto was in the very room he could feel relaxed and somewhat liberated. Emotionless or not, he found something akin to joy in cooking for the queen and seeing her enjoy his meals. Thus, the kitchen was his own temple of serenity.

"You stupid fuck!" yelled at him a yellow, lanky Exceed with wrinkles in his brow, a well-combed mane, and a white chef jacket and pants, but no hat, "This meat is so raw that I can hear it crying for you to kill it!"

"Sorry chef." The butler answered swiftly as the Exceed roared at him.

"Who do you serve, the Queen!?" it grabbed the plate of salmon the butler made and used a knife to cut into it, showing that it, indeed, was raw, "You see this shit!? You expect her to eat something that any idiot wouldn't mess!? Are you going to answer me now or do you want another!?"

"No, chef."

"No to what, you prick!?" the chef snapped louder, "I didn't expect an adult, someone that is supposedly a man, to screw up this much!" he grabbed a pan with burnt skin stuck to it as grease dripped down it, "See this!? This is not fucking atrocious, it's a disgrace to everything professional chefs stand for! If you don't have what it takes to be a man, then fuck off!"

"It won't happen again, chef."

"Don't give me the same speech again, you twit!" it threw the pan into the sink, "If you want to cook for the queen, show some fucking improvement! Just a dish better than the first one you made! I think even rats can shit better the more they do so, so you must be worse than rat shit!"

"I won't repeat this mistake, chef."

"Of fucking course not, you utter moron!" the chef pointed at his eyes, which threatened to jump out of their sockets in rage, "Look at me, you shit-stain! Right in the eye! If your next plate is a repeat of this greasy and inconsistent pile of shit, you'd do me a favor if you took that apron, put it on the rack, and kindly fucked off!"

As the chef of cuisine left, Naruto stared at the other Exceed in the kitchen trembling and trying their best to cook what they needed. Being his size and cooking for the queen, he was given a special place in there fit for someone his size. He also cooked his own meals, but he mainly tried to cook for Shagotte. However, every time he tried something new the chef would show him no mercy.

"Sheesh, guy likes to chew you out." One of the cooks whispered to him while passing by.

"I'd rather not have it any other way," he replied softly. "I prefer him being brutally honest instead of buttering me up. No use learning how to cook if I still make a rookie's mistakes when making the queen's meals."

"For once that pie hole of yours can do more than suck in air, dipshit!" the chef roared, scaring the other cook away, "Now watch the flames and let the heat sink in! You're cooking for royalty, not mutts! Don't you forget to cut into the meat so the heat sinks into it, otherwise it'll be another fucking raw piece of meat with a fried, dry crust like that thing you call a brain! Now unscrew your head out of your ass and cook!"

"Yes chef." He returned to cooking and used the chef's advice to do better.

When it was nearing completion, he was pushed aside by the yellow Exceed, "Here, let me taste it, dickface." He took a spoon and used it to cut the salmon, "Hmm… soft. Now that is at least some improvement."

"Thank you, chef." The blond bowed his head respectfully.

"Always taste your food, idiot." The chef took a bite and swallowed it with a scowl still on his face, "I can tell you didn't taste it because this fucking sauce has so much salt one could kill the palace's garden with it. This! Is! Why! You! Taste! Your! Food! Taste it, you needlessly fancy prick! A chef always tastes so they can tell what's missing and what needs to be cut down! Now do me that favor I told you about, and fuck off!"

He threw the spoon at the floor, and while the other cooks jumped and looked away, the butler merely cleaned up and returned to making the sauce again. Once he was done, he hung up his apron and left calmly. The cooks were surprised to see him collected even after the earful he got and the way he was treated. However, they also had to work, so they didn't get too distracted when their boss was around.

Shagotte had heard of it, so when her butler walked in her room with her meal, she sighed, "Again at the kitchen…"

"I like it." He said while she lied comfortably in her bed and he put the tray of salmon with sauce and wine before her, "At least now I know more mistakes to avoid."

"But doing all of this just to cook for me…"

"I thought it'd be nice if, once Faust falls, we could move out." His words made pink come to her cheeks, "I want to cook for you so you eat as well."

"I'd rather you didn't get yelled at so much for something like that."

"It does build character." He uncorked the bottle and filled her glass, "Better to learn from a professional the hard way than not being taught well-enough by foolish perverts."

She knew what he was talking about, "Were your teachers really like that?"

"Remember that one favored another student over others, while the other didn't really teach me all of his tricks." He put the cork back in the bottle and handed her the full glass, "Many things they could have taught me were kept a secret from me until I lost to the favored student I told you about. Here the fact my teachers look down on me for being a human helped me. They're stricter, but they act professionally."

She smiled at him, feeling some joy that despite his backstory there was some odd joy he could find with his new life, "Hmm… It is rather salty, but good."

Naruto noticed that the dish she was eating was the one he made, and a small sticky note under the plate addressed to him alone, reading, "Even if she likes it because you made it, that's no excuse to not improve. Tomorrow at the kitchen you'll either improve or take a step forward as a man, grab your own head, and use it to fuck yourself! Signed, Chef Catsay. P.S. At least you did good with the salmon, fuckface."

After he read the note out loud, the queen had a shocked face, "Well… That's the closest to a compliment I've heard him give someone."

"I guess that I'm improving somewhere, at least." He told her.

XXXXXX

"Whoa there, easy!"

Naruto's chuckling angered Gajeel, whose dual chainsaw-arms were hitting anything but the blond man. He didn't even get to harm his fashionable red scarf as the inspector kept a calm smile. All the while Naruto's smile remained present as he sidestepped, ducked under, and even slid on his feet away from the chainsaws. He even took a moment to do so with an arm extended up, index finger skywards and a hand on his hat.

Sucking air with a heated glare, the metal user snarled at him, "Why's some scrawny pencil lifter like you so fast!?"

"One too many times I have to remind people that I may not look like it, but I'm a bit stronger than I look." Naruto tipped up his hat with a hand's index finger while putting his other hand on his hip, posing rather fabulously as the breeze moved his scarf, "Not to mention an important thing. You guys aren't a legal anymore, meaning I can actually strike you as hard as I want to. This isn't going to be a love tap, buddy."

Gajeel grinned wickedly at him, "Bring it, dipshit!" he flexed, his metal skin growing thicker, "I'll just scrape your knuckles off when you're-"

He was cut off when the inspector appeared right in front of him in a blur of speed and punched him hard enough to shatter the sound barrier! The strike was more than enough to not only send Gajeel crashing through a wall, but it even cracked his skin! The metal user barely managed to overcome his shock when his mind registered the cracks on his chest's armor, but no skin from the inspector on it.

And to pour salt into the wound, the inspector kept his cheerful, friendly smile with a single eye opened, "Sorry, did I hit too hard? Maybe I should make it easier for you and let you understand something." He put a hand in his coat, alarming Gajeel, and took out the book Levy lent him, "Outmatched. That's a new word for you. I'll let you try to hit me using a trick someone I dislike used on me and others for fun."

"You shitty dandy…" the metal user growled.

Shrugging, Naruto read the book calmly, "To be honest, I'll actually teach you something: what I said about you and Natsu being in the same level. Should you hit me once, just once, while I'm reading this, you win. Fail to do so, and you're going to have to tell me where Jose is so I can have more than a few words with him." His words angered Gajeel as the blond started to get past the book's prologue.

Furious beyond words, Gajeel's right arm morphed into a steel pillar which extended to punch the inspector. Singlehandedly holding the book in hand, Naruto used his thumb to turn the page while his other hand swatted aside the elongating steel pillar. Gajeel would've gone madder, but he gasped as Naruto's simple action caused his attack to shoot away and crash through a wall.

Trying to get up close and personal, the Dragon Slayer raced at the blond and tried to punch him at pointblank. Once again, Naruto swatted aside the strike, this time elbowing the wrist which made Gajeel yelp at the nerves Naruto intentionally struck. He tried kicking the blond, and Naruto side-stepped it casually. A knee strike was swiftly stopped by the blond kicking the offending knee before backhanding the mage.

Panting as he stepped back from the force that cracked his armor, Gajeel spoke, "Die like the little piece of dog shit you are!" his arms morphed into blades to try to cut the blond… and were immediately sliced by one of his calling cards infused with his wind chakra, "How!?"

Sighing as he used the calling card as a bookmark, he closed the book and gave his honest opinion, "Man, that Johnathan really has it rough with that stepbrother. But where does the bizarre come into this? I guess I can keep going and see where it goes, but first…" he turned to Gajeel, finally acknowledging him, "If you're going to try to strike me, don't become predictable. I have an ability, a sixth sense of sorts, to read you."

Gajeel ground his teeth, "So you're always cheating by using that."

"It'd be cheating if I were caught and this was a poker game." Naruto replied with a small smile and a single eye closed, "To be honest, I kind of expected you to do better since you seem older and more experienced. However, my guess was right. You are as strong as Natsu. So, if you can't beat me and your boss has to resort to cheap tactics to get one over Makarov, how about we call it quits?"

The Phantom Lord heavy hitter was at a loss, "You want to forfeit?"

Tipping down his hat, the blond sighed heavily, "I really dislike troublesome things, pal. Living as myself, unbothered by things like this… Now, that's something I'd like. Can you relate?"

Gajeel smirked, "Indeed… Because I want to stop seeing that stupid smile on your face!"

Having heard the mage's answer, Naruto ducked under his next attack, placed his palm on Gajeel's chest, and whispered, "Rasengan."

The result was instantaneous, the Dragon Slayer was sent flying by a massive blast of pure chakra that continuously crushed his body. Since Naruto had already cracked the armored with a punch, it didn't take much for the attack to start damaging the mage. Gajeel's body went crashing through wall after wall with an echo that bounced all over the living castle until he finally stopped, down and out of combat.

And seeing this was Jose, who grew insanely furious, and also furiously insane, when all of his elite members had bit the dust once Erza joined the fight, "Good!" he shouted, nearly foaming, "All of the pests I hate the most are here! It's time I show you brats what a real guild master can do! I'll destroy you, Fairy Tail! Even if it's the last thing I do as I draw breath!"

His mad screams echoed in the castle, and Naruto merely tilted up his hat to look at the speakers, "Still more bark than bite." He closed a single eye and groaned, "What a fine mess I made. But it's a good chance to finally shut him up… Life really works in weird ways."

He pulled out the book once again and started reading as he walked towards Jose, all the while casually knocking out any mage that approached him without moving his eyes away from the book. Keeping his hat in place with a single hand, he waited for the worst to come. Right in front of him appeared several shadows with Jose's shape but more cartoon-like than before. He'd have made a quip, but it didn't feel like the time.

Not with Jose appearing before him, "I wanted to destroy this guild first, but if you once again step in my way, I'll gladly skip them and go to you! You dandy wannabe ruined my-"

"Can we get to the part where I'm telling you how bad your plan is?" Naruto even raised a hand as if to ask permission from a teacher, "Because I'm sure you'd get the idea by now. Oh my, this plan… Where to even begin? You're making yourself and your entire guild look like criminals, which you were. You're destroying what little reputation you had. And, lastly… you're still carrying that mustache."

Jose's right mouth corner twitched, "Why you…"

Raising a finger defensively, Naruto continued speaking, "Just saying, if you want to look your best doing this, shave it. I know you'll try to beat poor little me senseless, but I got to say it now that you aren't a mage in the system. That thing looks like a black noodle, no, like some leftover snot that was sneezed out after you inhaled ink. Hmm… no, there has to be a better description for it."

"A dead snake?" Erza, who had just arrived after resting and getting some proper healing, offered.

"Hmm…" he hummed in thought, "How's a dead caterpillar sound?"

Erza pondered on the matter seriously, "No, that thing's way too long, though it is hairy enough…"

Holding his chin with a hand, the inspector kept thinking, "There was this… this parasite that lives in people's intestines which name I can't recall."

Erza snapped her fingers with sudden realization on her face, "Oh yeah, it totally looks like a black tapeworm glued to his upper lip!"

He smiled thankfully at her, "Yes, that's it! Thank you, Erza-chan!"

"Enough!" Jose screamed, red in the face and furious beyond words, he was almost spitting fire, "I'll kill you all!"

Naruto tilted up his hat, looking apologetic, "Oh, I actually forgot about you. Sorry."

Countless shade beings appeared around Jose, who had officially lost whatever sanity was left in his twisted mind, "I'll make you feel a suffering unlike anything before!"

Before he could think of a clever quip, Naruto flipped his body backwards to avoid the shades while Erza clashed against them with her sword ready. While she started pushing against and cutting through them, he pulled a good dozen cards from his coat. Still midair, he threw each of the deadlier than normal projectiles and sliced clean through five of them. Seven other shades were shocked to have the cards stuck to them, until hearing a hissing sound. A second later, they found out too late that the cards were deadly bombs that blew them to pieces.

"Do you have a plan, Erza-chan?" he asked calmly, smiling softly with more cards ready in his hands, "I'm running low on ammo."

"Use it sparingly!" she warned him while cutting through two shades' heads at once and kicking a third's spear away into another shade's chest, "Master Makarov should recover soon!"

More shades appeared and forced him to run to get some distance, "What about the others?" he asked, jumping to a wall and running up it, "Surely they must want a piece of Jose!"

"They're on their way, we just have to keep him busy!" she told him.

Naruto sighed as he jumped off the wall, kicked a shade in the face hard enough to kill it, and saw another trying to sneak behind him until the blond used a card to cut its head off, ' _This'll be a pain, but I got to wait and play my cards right. After that, Jose won't bother me ever again._ '

A shiver ran down the mad mage's spine all of a sudden, and he didn't like the cold he felt seeing the inspector's eyes lock on him.

XXXXXX

"So this is where you go on your free time."

"If you'd like lunch, I'm afraid you still owe me a meal."

Surprisingly, the butler had free time. Even a man like him enjoyed a simple walk in the park with a paper bag in hand, his lunch in it. There was a park where Exceed, young and all, loved to go for its beautiful lake, the shades of the trees on sunny days, and the peace and quiet. As he travelled to his favorite spot with a perfect view of the sky and the lake, he found himself stopped by an already familiar face.

"I'm here to talk, butler." Knightwalker growled, glaring right into his eyes, "After getting chewed out by the king for losing that Fairy Tail girl, I need to find her. That is why I'm here. You wouldn't happen to have a single clue about her whereabouts, would you?"

He motioned for her to follow him as he replied, "I'd recommend looking for her guild, but I heard they always change locations. Though I do believe I saw her partners at the market retreat southwards… But I don't know if that is any help."

She clenched her fists as he sat down, "No, it's useless information, as I feared." She thought her next words carefully, "Do you have any idea if she had any contact at the prison outside of the guards or you?"

"I talked to her, but the guards and I made sure we didn't leave anyone else in." he fake-pondered on something, "Although… Some supplies appeared to be missing that day. The guards assumed it was one of their own that needed the extra material to keep their weapon in shape. Maybe that could explain her escape."

"A bit too convenient." She said flatly and locked eyes with him, "You are always at the right place, at the right time. Even with coincidences. Fairy Tail are giving us more trouble than before, and it happened only after that girl escaped. Now, I can't insinuate anything, but you claim to be the only one to talk to her. And I doubt attacking a market for supplies gave her any information as useful as where are our own supplies."

He knew what she was unsubtly getting to, and shrugged it off, "Whatever happened, happened. What would a butler like me know about the king's castle when I'm not allowed in its restricted areas?" he did get in them with his good old stealth training proving useful for once.

However, she smirked, "True. Well, I shall leave. I will see about how to pay you for that dinner, but make sure you feed your queen well. After all, word is that your food's so awful the royal chef is sick…"

"What?" he asked as she left, "Wait, we're not done here."

The smirk she gave him wasn't to his liking, "You should return to your lunch. The queen will need you with plenty of energy if whatever you feed her is as bad as I've heard it is."

Jumping to his feet, he ran off, even throwing his lunch to a random hungry Exceed he passed by. Passing by the hallways, he came across a worrying sight. The chef, the same hardass Exceed that had chewed him time and time again yet always told him how to improve, was being carried away in a stretcher. His pained expression and the blood red color in his eyes said enough.

When Naruto got to his queen's room, she was already being tended to by her own medics, "What're you doing!? You should-"

The main medic was interrupted by the weakened queen, "Worry not, I'm feeling better." She panted, swallowing some air to continue, "Naruto, did you notice anything weird with the ingredients…?"

His expression didn't change, but he clenched his fists, "Are you truly okay?"

"It appears some strong toxins were in the food you used." One of the medics said, "Nothing too serious, but the queen will be in pain."

"We should have never let a human tend to her…" another muttered.

Shagotte wouldn't have that, "Excuse me, but I trust my judgment when-"

"No, my queen." The blond started, taking off his monocle and wiping it with a handkerchief, "He's right. I made a heavy mistake thinking you'd be safe if I cooked for you."

"Indeed you have, I've never seen such bad food poisoning!" the main doctor said, packing his things along the others, "We've gotten rid of the symptoms and the toxins should be gone this evening. However, I'd recommend you don't use such plants for your cooking again. Those were medicinal herbs, but if they're not ripe they can be quite painful. If treated, it's nothing harmful beyond bloodshot eyes and stomach pains."

"What if it had been untreated?" he asked, worried.

"The queen would have been in a horrible, agonizing pain. But it wouldn't have been life-threatening." The doctor said.

"I see…" he clenched his fists, ' _Is this anger in me? Why does it still feel so empty? I can't feel anything even when the one I owe my life to is harmed._ '

Once the doctors left the queen in her bed, she turned to Naruto, "Who did this… and why?"

Hearing her breathing hard, he went to her side in and instant, "I… Sorry." He bowed his head deeply, "It appears that this was a warning and payback from Knightwalker. She came to me just now to taunt me, to let me know of this… While I feel relief that you're safe, her threat is obvious. She's telling me that she can target you to anger me, and yet, I-"

Her paw on his cheek stopped him, as did her smile, "Empty-hearted? Was that what you were going to call yourself even though you're here, worrying for me? My love, I know you too well. We may be reminded constantly that you can't feel. But the way you cling to your humanity is clear to me. I couldn't be luckier if someone else took your place."

He held her paw, which changed into a human hand, "You made me feel welcomed… wanted. I never had that, even when I was whole. Someone like you is too good for the likes of me."

She pulled him for a quick kiss, smiling softly, "You think too much. Let me rest for now, but let me feel your arms around me."

After doing as she wanted, the two slept with him holding her close, and a single thought in mind: he'd make Knightwalker and Faust regret mocking him in such a cruel and inhumane way.

XXXXXX

As for the inspector, he had to watch more Fairy Tail mages come only to be overwhelmed by the endless supply of shades.

Erza could be an S-rank mage, but a guild's master was another story. Naruto saw her fall down easily mainly because she didn't wait to rest after her hasty recovery to get into the battlefield. Elfman's new powers were a joke for Jose. Natsu couldn't really compare to Erza on a good day, so he was out too. He was surprised to see Gray come to help, but unsurprised when he bit the ground too.

However, it was good, "It appears that's all of Fairy Tail that could come here…"

Jose panted slightly, for he had tried to hit the inspector, yet the blond had yet to lose his rhythm breathing, "What're you babbling about!? I took out all the help you could even get! And those cards of yours won't do you any good!"

"Jose, could you enlighten me?" he asked calmly, smiling softly as he tilted up his hat with a one-eyed cheerful grin, "I'm a man of many emotions who has trouble controlling them. Anger, sadness, joy… They're all so troublesome, yet I try hard to not let them take control. My life is one that I want to be peaceful, and yet there are guys like you who worry and obsess themselves with meaningless things like being the best."

"Being second place is being first place on the losers' row!" Jose exclaimed. "And a peaceful life!? In this world having that requires strength beyond others, and strength is all that matters! I shall crush Fairy Tail so I can have a peace of mind without them looking down on me! A simple-minded fool like you who hasn't tried to get to the top would never understand what it's like to try to live in a world where might rules!"

Naruto held his hat tightly with one hand when seeing the master summon more shades into a ball of pure energy, "Oh dear, here we go again."

"Dead Wave!" Jose cried, shooting a beam of dark energy that obliterated the floor, halls, and was directed not only at Naruto but also the unconscious Fairy Tail mages.

And the blond merely smiled and took aim, putting his left hand forward with his index finger and thumb at a 90 degree angle while his dark energy was channeled into his right hand's fingers. Grinning softly and warmly, he slashed the air with his right hand, using the right amount of his corrosive chakra as an ethereal blade to cut through and obliterate the beam from the inside out!

When it disappeared and the wall behind Jose was cut through, the mage gasped, "H-How…!?"

"Do you want to know why I don't care about getting a promotion?" he asked casually and slowly approached Jose, "Standing out would make me a target, but leaving people like you unchecked… Yeah, that is not going to fly while I draw breath. That is why I work where I am, it helps me remain as some odd but decent guy and keep an eye on people like you or those that call themselves my superiors."

Jose growled, furious despite the fact he was royally screwed over, "B-But how can a bumbling idiot like you do this!?"

Naruto gave the man his most authentic smile, with a single eye closed and the other shadowed by his hat his smirk took a predatory look, "Being half-decent isn't half-bad." He said as the sclera turned black and a red shade overtook the iris, "What's the point of living as someone that stands out? The people around you would depend too much on you or force you to be how they want you to be. Whether you're a pariah or a beloved leader, it's all the same. They just give attention to get something out of you. But you tried to get my attention for your own sake using another."

And, once again, Jose ignored the game was over for him, "That traitorous bitch!?" he spat and got up on shaky legs, "I took her in for her powers, and she repays me like this! You can keep her, a stupid bitch who's unable of knowing when she's not needed isn't worth my time! If it weren't for her powers, I'd have left her to rot so she stopped crying for someone to love her!"

"Heh…" Naruto started with a soft chortle, which grew into a cheerful laugh, "Hah hah hah…" he slowly opened his eyes to show the black pits that surrounded the red orbs burning with hatred accompanied by the most peaceful and serene smiles ever seen, "I thank you, Jose. I had my doubts of how far to go. I already risked giving you a hint of what I am to see if you'd shut up. Now, though… I have no reason to let you live."

Jose cackled, "You, kill me!? An inspector like you would get blood in his hands!? You can't! The fucking council would shun you down and treat you like a murderer no better than I!"

"Didn't you know?" the blond asked casually, pulling out his two last calling cards, "I'm the perfect man for the job because I know how to make a good report!"

He threw a card high up to the roof, confusing Jose, only to reappear before him in a flash of yellow light and elbow him.

What Jose didn't see was that he had thrown the card with perfectly calculated aim, cutting into a support beam that bad been weakened by Jose's own attack.

The master staggered backwards, and could only cry mid-stumbling when the pillar fell down on him.

"D-Dead W-" he tried to use his attack to save himself, but stopped when the second card got his wrist.

The result was a pathetic death that would be recorded as a laughable way to go, "What an unfortunate incident…" Naruto said with a warm smile, "So long, Jose. I'll make sure everyone knows you died like a fool."

With a sadistic grin tugging at his lips, he went to help Fairy Tail.

After all, he still had to help his "friends."

 **XXXXXX**

And that's my rap!

Jose's death may not have been spectacular, but think of it this way. He'll die knowing his death will be laughed at by everyone who hears that a guild master slipped and was squashed like a bug. The inspector will make sure of it. After all, he wants a quiet life, and saying he killed Jose would bring trouble. So making it seem like he died like an idiot is a nice bonus.

And yes, the butler may not have emotions, but you better believe he'll do something about how King Faust had Knightwalker attack the queen to mock him. After all the taunts and ways the butler dug into Faust's plans, did you think the king wouldn't try to warn him? And in doing so, he must keep appearances to not anger the Exceed. Knightwalker was happy to do it.

And a special shout to someone named Maria. One of my readers has a sister named Maria, so do me a favor, guys. If you see any Maria, it doesn't matter who she is or what she does. If you see that the girl has had trouble and needs a hug, give it to her. And hey, Maria, good news! Your brother told me you like my story A key chosen by darkness, so I'm finally starting its next chapter! Best of luck to you, and enjoy life!

Swordslinger out!


	7. Full House Comedy

I OWN NOTHING

 **IMPORTANT:** Since some are tired shifting between the two Narutos, I'll focus on the inspector. The butler's arc is long enough to set what I have planned when he and his other self meet.

 **XXXXXX**

"Lovely morning, isn't it?"

In his apartment, sitting on his small dining room with freshly made soft-boiled eggs and bacon, was the inspector. Sipping a cup of freshly made coffee with the sun rising slowly and a nearby building providing a proper shade made the morning truly lovely. And to stare at Juvia in her lovely maid outfit cleaning the dishes was a lovely addition. Though he inwardly wondered if he could use some decoration, like Jose's head.

After the guild master's death was written as an accident from his madness declaring war between guilds, the other Phantom Lord mages were either arrested and put in trials to decide what to do with them. Alas, he missed Lucy and wished to see her again to see if she could be the lucky horse to bet on. The idea of a world of spirits with unique powers intrigued him, and if they could help with his goals, that'd be great.

And in her own world, Juvia was happy to walk to her beloved boss once she finished, "You aren't worried about that blonde girl, are you, Naruto-san?"

He sipped his coffee with a small if melancholic smile, "I can't help it. Her father's the reason this happened, and I bet you that she has matters to attend with him. Whether she returns or not shouldn't bother me, but I'll admit the idea of missing out on her potential as a Spirit mage that already had a handful of the golden keys bothers me."

"So you do care for her…" she sounded sad.

Thus, he decided to appeal to her sentimental side, "It's like you, Juvia-chan. It pains me to see good girls with lots of potential waste it if some guy tells them to do as they want."

That hit home, "Juvia can understand, then… Using her powers for Jose was never as rewarding as making you smile, Naruto-san."

He beamed at her, "You are too kind to me." he took some more coffee and decided to amuse himself, "I fear you're spoiling me, not that I mind. I never got to enjoy this kind of attention from a girl."

"What do you mean?" she was surprised, "With how sweet of a man you were to Juvia, she can't imagine you ignored by girls…" she tensed a bit, ' _Even if only Juvia should care for you._ '

"I used to be a loud troublemaker, so it doesn't surprise me now." He smiled a carefree grin with half-lidded eyes, "Girls back then and there preferred the type of guy you'd see brooding on top of a building."

His assistant pumped her fists with a cheerful grin, "Then Juvia hopes she can make you feel appreciated even more than before!" she put her cute face on, blushing as she spoke sincerely. "You made her feel loved when all men would shun Juvia for her rain! You really made her feel… like she was alive…"

"Then that makes two of us." He told her, getting her to nearly trip on her feet as he said that, "You're the first girl to put this much effort to make me happy. It is… weird, but welcomed."

She could've died a happy woman then and there, "Thank you, Naruto-san!" she felt her heart beating madly.

Smiling softly with both eyes closed, he started to enjoy his meal and thinking his next moves, ' _Ah Juvia, you are so naïve but oh so precious. You're useful, yet you are too cute for me to break. Hmm… This may be a problem with the whole "being the recipient of all emotions" thing. She's a good girl and like Lucy and Wendy I'd hate myself if I pulled a Madara Uchiha on her. However, being a complete being comes first._ '

Due to how he sunk into his thoughts, he didn't keep his guard up enough around Juvia. He didn't see her as a threat, how could he with the devotion she genuinely showed him? Thus he ended up in a hug from his maid that halted his train of thought. It was nice, warm and heartfelt. Smooth pale skin rubbed against his cheeks and he could smell her fragrance from the crook of her neck, a soft scent of soap and her own smell.

"Juvia means it." She stepped back, rather unwillingly might one add, and smiled at him. He knew he wasn't seeing things when she wiped her eyes and smiled truthfully, "Someone to make her feel special… Juvia never thought she'd find a person like that, let alone someone who'd make Juvia feel like she can be with them. She… worried a lot about you, so she wants you to enjoy this morning after that battle with Jose."

Realizing what she did, the water woman blushed and returned to her duties, butterflies flying in her stomach as a large if goofy lovesick grin spread on her face.

Naruto tilted his hat down, sighing, ' _Too cute for your own good, Juvia-chan._ ' He looked out the window and then at her, smiling softly, "But she makes this a lovely morning."

After finishing his breakfast, the good inspector drove to his office with Juvia on his back, making some onlookers from the male and even female population glare at him. Inside the office, nothing unusual happened. It was a simple day where the blond could see that he had grown to like his new life. A peaceful job, enough free time to relax after it, and enough chaos in his life to keep everything from being too dull.

Dare he say it, he found his life to be plentiful, though having Juvia back to her secretary outfit fetching him documents and helping him organize some parts to save him time was nice, "I see you're hard at work." Ultear's voice brought him back to reality, and her pretty smile had him grinning back, which caused Juvia to subconsciously crack her own empty coffee mug in her hands hard enough to crack it.

"It is nice to see your pretty face, but I'm guessing this is the part where you have bad news, my dear." He propped his chin up with a hand, waiting.

Indeedly so, she had a stack of papers, "I chose this one personally."

Glares were never a good sign with Ultear, so he readied himself for everything when he took the papers, "This has to be bad if it ruins your smile…" and he went silent, his smile dropping as he read.

"Naruto-san?" Juvia always forgot who she was angry with if the object of her affections was troubled in any way.

Closing both eyes as he put down the papers, Naruto sighed and gave Ultear a half-lidded, one-eyed stare, "I often think you have a soft spot for little girls, my dear Ultear. This, though…"

His pause told her he wanted answers, "I would have tried to leave this with someone else, but there are none more capable than you. I believe you are the right man for the job when it comes to this man."

"I'd like to take my time to brush my teeth after the bad taste this left in my mouth." He held up the stack of papers, "This can be seen as either incriminating or just circumstantial evidence. He can easily say it was someone spreading rumors or just a publicity stunt by a rival. Just like women who say their baby is some famous guy's child to steal from him."

Ultear nodded firmly, "That is why I need you to keep him on his toes. When he makes a mistake, I want you to record everything to put him permanently behind bars."

He needn't think about it, he closed his eyes to keep his real colors from showing figuratively and literally, ' _If matters are worse than this, I could save us tax-payer money._ '

XXXXXX

One thing of having an assistant as good as Juvia was that she stood by him no matter what, "It's impressive, it reminds Juvia of her guild, but without Jose's bad taste in decoration."

He chuckled through his nose, "Oh, looking for another job already? Juvia-chan, I thought I was a good enough boss."

She puffed her cheeks cutely, "She'd never think such a thing. Juvia cares for you, Naruto-san. Now stop teasing her. As your assistant, nothing brings Juvia more joy than-"

Patting her cute little head was a good way to end her negative emotions, and the blue haired mage swiftly melted into his hand, "I'm kidding, Juvia-chan. I've grown too fond of you." He didn't know how much of it was true, and it worried him given his true natures and plan.

However, he had things to do, "You're so mean…" she hugged him, and his plans were frozen for a bit as her breasts rubbed his back.

Briefly shaking his head, the blond controlled his emotions, ' _Whew… she's really packing. Ah, to be such a beauty and devoted to someone… I'd be sick to my stomach if she ended like most girls who went after Sasuke, heartbroken or going after someone who'd throw her aside for power.'_ He took a moment to gather his thoughts and spoke sincerely,"Juvia, you're really too cute for your own good."

She froze, her body going limp as he stood up, ' _He thinks Juvia's cute! Yes!_ ' she cheered, too gone into her fantasy to notice he was moving towards the guild known as Saber Tooth.

"Hello~!" He came to knock, literally on the door of the guild.

"Ah, welcome! Inspector Uzumaki, if I recall correctly." The man that greeted him smiled in the friendliest manner that made the inspector feel offended since the blond mastered smiles.

An up and comer in the shadow of Fairy Tail, it was still developing. It had a raising presence due to the strength of its guild master Jiemma, a man that defined imposing and massive to an extreme. In comparison to the gigantic muscle bound man, with his glowing white eyes, prayer beads, and ferocious expression, Naruto came off as positively puny and meek.

Despite that and his ever-present smile, it was clear that it was Jiemma who was on the defensive. The Magical Council had never interfered with them before, so why now? Jiemma had to keep an eye on the detective who claimed he was representing an inspection of the guild. Naruto quickly went about his business, asking questions, learning about the guild, and what he asked them amounted to a lot.

It wasn't what they said however, they were also tight-lipped and had nothing but praise about Jiemma, but their eyes, their mannerisms, their glances at him told more than their voices ever could. They feared the man and what he could do to them if they said anything, and it was for that reason that his eyes became narrow slits, like a fox's. His smile was strained to its limit as he pulled his hat down slightly.

' _This guy has them scared shitless. Another question to ask, where's his daughter? Pity the woman who was forced to bring him a child, but I haven't seen hide nor hair of the little scamp. How to ask him without cottoning him onto my real plan to bust him? Oho~!'_ His smile became more genuine as he grasped it, making as if to leave.

Jiemma felt relieved, "Oh my, leaving so soon? I guess you are efficient, not like most of the mages here! Hahahaha!"

Hearing that, the blond asked the man watching him an innocently phrased and sincere question, "Hey, in the official guild roster, there's a name, Minerva Orlando. Can I ask who she is? Is she related to you? Daughter, wife, mother, aunt, sister, what? Surely she's got to be strong if she's related to the guild master." He asked, making a big show of writing information and a report down.

Jiemma coldly responded with a callous tone. "She is my daughter. She however is too weak. I have set her to training in the forest nearby my guild. I would not advise going to see her however, the forest is full of dangerous beasts and unless you're a mage, you will not find your way out alive."

Naruto quickly waved him off, laughing like a fool, "I would never dream of it! I'm a pencil pusher, not a warrior! Thank you for your time guild master Jiemma! I really must be off now; my bosses will chew me out if I don't come back with my report pronto!"

He bowed rapidly, leaving while Jiemma put the "weakling" inspector out of mind, more focused on bellowing orders to his subordinates, "Have a nice trip, inspector. And you better have learned what good manners and proper etiquette are! If only you could be half as efficient as this man, we wouldn't have trouble surpassing any guild!"

Naruto however opened his eyes wide, a sinister look appearing in them as he headed off to the forest, his expression as malicious as his eyes were, "My report however, will rob you of everything, even your life."

He was manipulative, but the one thing that truly made him as furious as possible was child abuse. A great part of his own reason for being, he hated seeing children in pain or suffering for any reason.

Although, there were other matters he needed to attend to, "Naruto-san…" Juvia was still seated on his moped, blushing with a dreamy look in her glazed eyes.

Knowing he was responsible, the man put on his usual friendly, squinty-eyed, foxy smile, and poked the water user's cheek, "Sorry for bothering you when you're so cute, but how's a picnic sound?"

"Picnic? Juvia is ready!" She said in excitement, coming back to reality and eagerly nodding at him.

This was her moment! She was ready to have a lovely time with Naruto-san! Moments later, Juvia was less happy when they had been hiking through the woods for half an hour, the blond inspector singing to himself some song or another. He ended it when he saw what he had come to find: a small girl crying near a bush, buck naked and shivering due to the morning nip in the air. Her dark bluish hair was adorned with two buns keeping it in place.

"Juvia, please hold my hat." He took it off silently, Juvia's expression just as grim as his was.

Maybe it was her motherly instincts taking control, but she wanted to see the girl smile. Seeing him become serious and walk to the girl somehow took away her worries. She knew the man well enough to understand he would do his best to make her smile. Thus, she held his hat close to her chest and observed intently. Juvia felt that the man she loved would be able to turn the girl's frown upside down.

"W-Who're you!?" she asked fearfully, curling into a ball to cover herself.

Swiftly taking off his coat and scarf, he wrapped them around her, "Sorry about the scare, it wasn't my intention to be rude or anything. Just let me help you look a tad more decent."

Getting up with a jump, she held the coat to her body with a horrified look on her face, "Go away! In fact, take these with you!" she shouted and – after getting behind a tree – threw the garments back at him.

"Now, now, no need to be so afraid." He started softly, "Care to tell me what's a little thing like you doing here so scared?"

"Just go away!" she shouted, shivering behind the tree.

"I fear I can't, small one." He rubbed the back of his head sheepishly, looking at her with a single open eye, "See, I can't let you get a cold. What would your mom think if she saw you sick?"

"Don't have one…" she said softly.

"Oh… my apologies, small lady." He grabbed and folded his coat and scarf in his arms, and said his next words neutrally, "Then what about your father?"

Seeing her clench her jaw told him a lot before she lied, "I… I won't bother him, so stop talking."

"Bother him?" he echoed, "Little one, I fear you should be worried about getting sick rather than costing him some cold medicine. Fathers always look after their children, don't they?"

Glancing at him was a mistake, she wiped off a few tears, but did so too late for him to not notice, "Yeah, and he worries that I may not grow strong. Now leave, I must train and you're being a bother, mister."

"Can't do." He said warmly, "Not with a wee thing like you shivering here. You're trembling like a leaf in the wind since winter's coming. So why don't you go back home and get dressed? Don't tell me you were at the lake swimming and got your clothes lost. Did animals take them, or did the current drag them away?"

The girl gasped as she got an idea, "Y-Yeah… Sorry, but I can't go back with a stranger's clothes on. I'm trying to find mine after the water took them."

"Hmm, that is funny." He said neutrally, closing both eyes as he took on a thoughtful expression, "The nearest lake is a good dozen miles too far away for you to look for your clothes here. Not to mention, it's rivers that have a current, not lakes. Furthermore, what kind of excuse is being unable to wear a stranger's clothes who gave them to you for nothing when you've lost yours? Surely any parent would understand."

The small girl was petrified, and the nearby Juvia was internally cheering for the inspector, ' _Yes, that is the smart, competent and caring Naruto-san that stole Juvia's heart!_ '

Minerva blinked fearfully, shocked that he was this smart and able to pin point the flaws in her argument. She lowered her head finally, tears dripping from her eyes as she felt fear overcome her heart.

"Y-You…!" the girl started, trying to find what to say.

"I am here to protect you and arrest the guy you're forced to call your father." He said with a small yet genuine looking grin, looking amused by her worry. "My name is Inspector Naruto Uzumaki. I am 21 years old. I like my job and my boss. My secretary is Juvia Lockser. I like pasta but mostly adore eating hardboiled eggs with salt in my ramen, but try to eat it sparingly. Nice to meet you."

Minerva's eyes widened even further as he confessed that he was there to arrest her father. A small kernel of hope was kindled inside of her, but she stepped back slowly, still fearful of Jiemma.

"If you don't believe me… then maybe she can give you some proof. Ultear." He nodded, before Minerva whirled around, the female member of the Magical Council stepping out slowly with a friendly wave.

She had given him this mission, and so he had requested her help in finishing it, "I'm surprised at your efficiency once again."

The blond smiled sheepishly, "Come on, my dear. You should know best that I understand people the best. I'm practically a shadow… One that maybe earned some praise?"

Juvia's body tensed up in hatred, her eyes shining with radiating rage towards Ultear who, to her credit, did her best to ignore it, "I'm afraid I'll have to decline yet again." She said dully.

Minerva tried to talk, but once again found the man's coat and scarf wrapped around her, "My love for theatrics aside, what say you get warm and comfy in some proper clothing and then talk with us, little one?"

The girl visibly stiffened, "C-Can you really do anything?" she asked, finding herself slightly mesmerized by the warmth of his smile and eyes.

He winked at her with a charming chuckle, "I'll even buy you the best pudding of any kind you'd like. We just need to know the truth of what's hurting you to make it stop."

"But… you couldn't…" she started again, looking down.

He patted her head gently, "Doesn't hurt to try. The worst thing you can do is not try to change your life for the best. Blaming and demanding is all your father does, isn't it? How's that working for him again?"

She shivered at his words, frightened by the way he was mocking her father even if the man wasn't around, "I should just go…"

"Don't you know?" he asked calmly with a one-eyed grin, rolling up his sleeves up to his elbows to show lean but strong arms, "I'm a little tougher than I look, so don't worry for us or yourself. I can take care of myself fine and dandy, and I wouldn't let a cute little thing like you cry. So, if you trust us, we'll do anything to make sure you're all right."

Ultear nodded, "Protection, restraining orders, anything that you could ever hope for to keep that man away from you is a mere confession away. Odd as this man may be, he's brought down men as bad or far worse than your father. It's our job to make sure mages who take for their own selfish gain are dealt with accordingly."

"And Ultear and I just dislike seeing little girls sad, am I right?" the blond asked with a grin, though the black-haired woman didn't know if it was a knowing one or not.

"Juvia would even take care of you!" the assistant/maid pumped her hands up passionately, ' _Ah… she can see it. Juvia and Naruto-san's first daughter!_ ' then she shook her head, ' _N-No! Even if that is a nice thought, Juvia has to worry for this girl's sake! This little one has shared some pain that Naruto-san has gone through too, so Juvia will do her best to erase that pain from his and others' lives!_ '

Minerva stepped back, her eyes blank, "I… I can't… He's making sure we're strong, that we're not weak, that we aren't in someone else's shadow…"

Juvia's once cheerful and passionate mood turned into a horrified expression, ' _Goodness! That man isn't just controlling her, he's brainwashing this little girl!_ '

Ultear saw Naruto's face break out of his usual calm exterior, ' _What is that expression? Is he, for the first time, showing his anger?_ '

And the chuckle he let out was more horrifying than anything the two women could have expected. It was cheerful, joyous, genuinely happy. Such a laughter was of a man who was at ease. That wasn't the reaction of a man who had heard a horrible secret, but of a man who found an answer he had been looking for. Getting up to his feet with a genuinely amused expression on his face and a matching chortle, he acted.

"Minerva-chan…" he patted her head and closed his eyes, "You've made it far too easy for me to work against your father. Thanks to you, I've gotten a better glimpse of what he's like, and it'll be his downfall."

XXXXXX

 _You know, it's come to my attention that the more you see of my story, the less you may understand me._

 _Not going to blame you. Can you pin down what someone's like when they're incomplete?_

 _Ah, but there's a beauty to being someone's shadow, the embodiment of their bottled negativity…_

 _See, I may know you better than you know yourself, and don't dare deny it._

 _After all, I was trapped inside someone keeping all his truest feelings in check._

 _Do you think putting myself in someone else's shoes is hard, to think like their darkest side?_

 _Oh dear, am I bragging? Hmm… hard to say. This is a natural ability of a being like yours truly._

 _Truth be told, it's come real handy._

 _My smile may be fake, but I'll always see through anyone's lies with it._

XXXXXXX

Saber Tooth was having a hard time believing what they were seeing. A single table was occupied for a game of poker against a laughing inspector, who had a large smile on his face. The blond was still lacking his coat and scarf and had his shirt's sleeves rolled up to his elbows. His hat rested on his head and shadowed one of his eyes as he gave the men a quick look before playing his hand.

"Sorry gentlemen, but Lady Luck's been with me far longer than I can remember." He chortled and put down his cards on the table with a chuckle.

"Can't believe this guy's luck!" one of the mages groaned and threw down his cards in disbelief.

Another dropped his head on the table, "So much for that reward money going to new shoes…"

Jiemma didn't take long to find the inspector pulling a large amount of cash to his side of the table with a chuckle, "What's the meaning of this?" his question made all his subordinates tense up. The overly muscled man walked to the table and stared at the winner for an answer.

The blond inspector grinned at him, giving the man a squinty-eyed foxy stare, "Just a good, old-fashioned, honest game of poker. I found some of the guys playing and decided to try my luck."

Jiemma lifted an eyebrow, "You play? Hah!" he laughed amusedly, "A man like you has been wiping out these guys? Do you even know how to play?"

"I'm confident in my skills." The inspector baited him in, "How's a game sound? Or are these guys better players than you?"

Everyone went mute when the guild master forced a smile and a chuckle, "Heh, you're ballsy, inspector. I could use men like you, indeed." He sat down, narrowing his eyes at the whiskered man with barely held hatred, "I'll make you regret comparing my skills to these fools."

' _Talk about pride._ ' The blond thought to himself at how easy it had been to reel the man in, "Do you want to deal or…"

Both grabbed some chips to play and Jiemma took the cards to shuffle them, though his hands didn't fool the blond, "One for me, and one for you. Two for me, and-"

"Jiemma-san, your fingers are slipping." Naruto cut him off, pointing at the deck in the man's hand, stopping him just in time to show his trick, "You were about to hand me a card from the lower part of the deck, do be more careful." He smiled his friendliest smile at him, making Jiemma tense up, "I guess you've not had much practice dealing cards."

With his pride hurt, the man chuckled forcefully, "Yeah… Sorry, I don't know when I'm applying too much or too little force on fragile things at times."

"Sounds like a real problem…" Naruto drawled out his words to annoy Jiemma a bit. It worked, so he looked around and then beckoned a male mage to their table, "Hey pal, could you deal for us? Worry not, you can shuffle however you want so long as you hand each of us the card at the top of the deck. That's how the game's fair, you know?"

Sweat started to build on Jiemma's brow, but he refused to stand up, ' _Cocky little shit! Playing me for a fool!? I'll show you what I'm really capable of! Count yourself lucky I can't discipline you like these fools!_ '

Once their cards were dealt, Naruto hummed as he examined his and Jiemma observed him carefully, and then the blond grinned, "Come on, don't make that face, Jiemma-san. I'm just another player with a thrill for gambling. After all, it's a simple pleasure to risk some money. We shouldn't really stress over this, right? I bet you got money to spare, and I'm decent enough saving some of my earnings. Let's have fun."

Jiemma placed some chips on the table and forced a smile, "Do you want to be the first to call or bluff?"

"I can't really say I'm bluffing or not, but…" he put a discarded a card and asked for another, "I'd like to try my chances."

Observing the inspector would get him nowhere, Jiemma thought as he stared at his hand, "Good." He said softly and glared at the dealer.

The mage gulped but gave the man a reassuring smile, ' _Don't worry, Jiemma-sama, I gave him duds. The only way he could win is by cheating, and with the way he is there's no way he can pull out cards or change them. We're all looking at him, so trust me, please. Trust me! I haven't failed you!_ '

Seeing that the man was fearing him and not the blond, Jiemma put his cards on the table face down, "Are you ready, boy?"

Naruto snickered, "I do know I'm young, but calling me boy at your age may be a bit much, Jiemma-san. Your daughter's surprisingly young. It'd be weird if her father talked like he's someone's grandfather."

Jiemma had a large warm grin, "Well, compared to me, many are just boys. Now, let's play." He flipped his cards upwards, smirking, "Four of a kind… I do believe I have a good hand."

Naruto whistled, "Not bad…" he pushed his chips towards the man, who chuckled amused.

"What can I say!? I'm not easily beat in anything!" he boasted, and Naruto saw his opening.

He tilted down his hat, hiding one of his eyes, "I'd say you're getting ahead of yourself, Jiemma-san. Give me some credit, please. We've barely started and I'm a bit tougher than I look, after all."

The way the inspector's smile remained cheerful and friendly irked the guild master, but he kept his own fake smile, "Well, I guess I shall take all the money these fools lost to you. It'll serve as punishment for…"

Naruto wouldn't let that pause at the end go unnoticed, "Being unprofessional?" he snickered, "Bit cruel, don't you think, Jiemma-san? Or perhaps I'm used to good old Makarov being the kind who'd share spoils with his guild. Guy sure is popular among many, don't you think?"

Jiemma felt his forehead strain from forcing his eyebrows to not get closer in anger, "I'd rather we didn't talk about other guilds while we play, inspector."

"Come on, Jiemma-san, chatting helps relieve some stress." He grinned warmly, "But if I'm on a touchy subject, I guess I can…"

The two were dealt a new hand, Naruto smiled and Jiemma started to frown, "I believe people use talking to get ahead of other players."

"It works as a tactic, but for me this is a game just for fun." The blond retorted and examined his hand, motioning to the dealer for another exchange, "Now, what if we really gamble?"

There was a sudden shift in the atmosphere and Jiemma felt a cold sweat building at the back of his head. The confidence he was hearing wasn't his imagination, it was the certainty of a man who knew he'd win! But it couldn't be, for a single and brief glance to the dealer showed that the man did his job and rigged the inspector's hand. However, the inspector calmly took down his hat and put it on the table.

Feeling worried but forcing his demeanor to remain friendly, Jiemma chuckled, "Your hat? I beg your forgiveness, but that can't be worth much."

Naruto closed both eyes and snickered, "Oh please, I wouldn't bet this even if my life depended on it. What I'm talking about here are secrets…" he opened a single eye, giving Jiemma a sly smile, "Forgive me for a very improper question, but do you think I got to where I am for being a pretty face?"

Jiemma tensed, "What are you playing at?" he asked firmly.

Naruto slowly moved down his eyelid so his only opened eye was half-lidded, "Consider this my side-business. I can tell these men are loyal to you and wouldn't say a thing of what I'm about to say to anyone, but I just get tired of some things." He sighed tiredly, "Taxes, paperwork, complaints, and my boss… Even a guy like me needs a little incentive to keep working. That's where my real business comes from."

Jiemma was getting impatient, "Get to the point already."

He spoke firmly, but Naruto could tell his voice had been about to shake, "I'm no fool, Jiemma-san." He leaned back on his chair, smiling friendly, "I just really dislike Fairy Tail at times. Everything bad that happens to me can be traced to them. So, I'm going to play with you to measure you."

Jiemma broke out into mad laughter, "Hahaha! You think you have the upper hand after what you told me!?"

Naruto clasped his hands and smiled softly, "What're you thinking about, Jiemma-san? I'm talking about gossip for magazines."

The large mage visibly shook, though it was hard to tell if it was from anger, shock, or disappointment. Probably all three.

"What…?" the dealer asked in shock.

Naruto snorted for half a second, "Snrkt… Sorry… I'm always dying for details regarding guilds to publish around. Like what the girls' favorite things are to make bachelors' lives easier. What were you all thinking of? Were you picturing something shadier? Come on, can you actually see good little me dealing with any kind of bad crowd?"

Jiemma shook again, this time definitely from anger, ' _The little shit's making a fool of me! He's obviously talking of a deal about dirt on other guilds, but he just showed me why I can't even blackmail him with such a stupid story! Even worse, he's backed up by that bitch near that Siegrain bastard. If something were to happen to this brat, she'd make sure we bite the dust…_ '

Naruto grinned wider, "So, how about it? If you win this round, I'll tell you a dirty secret from any guild you want. If I win, then I guess you don't have the will to see something like this through. See, I take gossip very seriously since it's a good income. Poker is a game of more than luck, it's about wit and will. I need to know if you have what it takes to be partners in this little job."

"What secrets would you like to know?" Jiemma asked cautiously.

"I've heard your daughter's quite cute, so I'm sure she'll be a looker in the future." He shrugged, "Any information I can have before her popularity raises would help. Likes, dislikes, hobbies."

"I refuse." Jiemma said firmly.

"Oh, what a shame…" Naruto sighed tiredly and placed his bet, "Normally, I know when a girl will turn some heads, and she will when she's… let's say a good seven or eight years older."

Jiemma glared, "You'd be better off with anyone else."

Naruto held a chuckle, "Huh? Is it because of my age? Granted, I understand when some ladies are too young, so I just end up teasing them as-"

"Can you just play?" Jiemma put down his chips, groaning, "So, are you read?"

Naruto smiled, "You first, Jiemma-san."

The large mage grinned, "Read them and weep, four of a kind."

Naruto chortled, "Man, once again you're really good, Jiemma-san." The muscular mage went to grab his winnings, but Naruto stopped him, "But not good enough now. Royal Flush."

"What!?" the guild master turned to the dealer, who jumped at the glare he was given.

"So, do you want to play again?" Naruto asked casually.

However, the bearded man was furious, "You cheated, you must have to!"

"Now, now, no one likes a sore loser." The blond man smiled sheepishly, "Then again, I'm one to talk. But please, tell me how I cheated if you think I did so. I got all of your mages keeping their eyes on me, and I can't have anything under my rolled up sleeves."

"I-It's true, he didn't change his cards or anything." One of the mages whispered to Jiemma.

The guild master grumbled, "Fine then, another round…"

Naruto hummed a merry tune, "I'm starting to enjoy this. Now then, should I bet about getting to know the little scamp's many talents? I bet a mage like you must have a strong child."

Jiemma was getting increasingly irritated, "She's nothing but a…" he groaned when catching himself, "…a child. She couldn't do much even if I tried."

"Oh, but there are mages in Fairy Tail who could do impressive things as children. I do believe one of them was trained by a dragon, after all."

"Let's play…" Jiemma growled and smiled at his cards, "Well, I'm sure you won't be able to walk away from this one, but I dare you."

The lanky man chuckled through his nose, "Fine then, I raise."

"So do I." Jiemma put down his cards with a smirk, "Five of a kind, not bad, huh?"

"Indeed, but not as good as…" the blond showed him three aces and two fives, "Full House."

"H-How!?" one of the mages watching Naruto asked, "What kind of luck do you have!?"

The dealer started sweating bullets at the murderous glare his master gave him, "I… I…" he gulped and looked away to try not to draw any suspicion to himself.

"Worry not if you're not helping your master, pal." Naruto said casually, "This is a game of luck, skill and wit. I guess I got better luck, huh?"

Jiemma grabbed his head with a hand, "Y-You may…" he admitted while crumpling his cards in his hands.

Finding the opening he wanted, Naruto attacked, "Now, a little question… Your daughter sure does well on her own, doesn't she? What with you training her, after all."

Jiemma clenched his jaw, "Maybe if she focused instead of being so…" he ground his teeth when catching himself again, "…so distracted by little things, she'd be better."

Naruto closed both eyes, ' _You make this too easy._ ' He gave one final question, "I bet you're proud of her all the same, right?"

Jiemma couldn't take it anymore, the man's smile, the calmness of his voice, and the topic made him snap, "Proud of that failure!? She should be glad I train her and not cry when I slap some sense into her!"

Naruto smiled wider and leaned back, "Jiemma-san, thank you." He clapped his hands twice, "You gave me what I needed with that little outburst."

All color left the bearded man's face when he realized what he said… and he went even paler when two clouds of smoke appeared beside Naruto, showing that the mages watching him had been fakes. Juvia and Ultear were at his side, and each hand a handful of cards in their hands.

The black-haired woman leaned forward, smiling at the busted guild master, "This is why you don't play poker with pros, they can read you like books."

 **XXXXXX**

And that's my rap!

Now, who's to say a battle must be won by fighting? Using his wits, the inspector easily beat Jiemma and got enough evidence form his outburst with Ultear watching to make him pay. And, of course, Jiemma will have to live with the shame that a lanky nobody got the best of him with a simple game in which he out-cheated the bastard. Oh, and Minerva will have a hero to admire later on. This also helps me to expand on a future idea and to skip a couple arcs in which the inspector wouldn't have done a thing. That way I can get to the Akane Resort arc and to the fight with Jellal.

Hope you guys enjoyed it.

Swordslinger out!


	8. Fun Before Business

I OWN NOTHING

It's about time I got to this part of the story, isn't it? Well, since in the previous version I wrote blindly, let me try to put some more effort into this bit.

 **XXXXXX**

"Y-You can stay, you know?"

Little Minerva looked at the charming inspector with puppy eyes to try to get him to stay. After the authorities came, put her father behind bars, and the mages in her guild could relax and try to choose a better leader, she felt sad. Despite how overjoyed she was, the idea that the warmly smiling foxy man would have to leave her behind after all he did broke her little innocent heart.

"I'd like to, but I'm afraid I'm not that good with parties." He admitted sheepishly, "I've never been invited to one, so it'd be awkward for me to be in this one. Besides, I shouldn't bring down the mood when you're all free to do what you want. Live a little, be a spunky and adventure loving magic scamp… You know, enjoy life."

"But you helped me a lot, can't you celebrate with us for a bit?" she put more effort into her pleading stare.

Being the vessel of the true Naruto Uzumaki's emotions came at the cost that it was hard to control such feelings. Fortunately, he had a lot of practice as a shadow of the real one.

"As much as I'd love to, I have work to do." The inspector sighed when seeing her hopes crash, knowing he'd be in trouble, ' _I feel like this kind of thing was easier when I was part of that other me_ …'

Juvia stood by his side, "Minerva-chan, Juvia knows you'll miss Naruto-san, but he had things to do back home. Not to mention, you should be with your real family."

The girl looked down, breaking the water mage's heart, "Don't have one…"

"Oh, so that…" she restrained herself from cursing before the little girl, "…deplorable man was really all you had?"

Minerva nodded, pulling at Juvia's heartstrings, while the blond felt a shiver run down his spine, ' _What's this feeling?_ '

Juvia grabbed the girl's hand with her eyes sparkling, "Then Juvia will take care of you, like Naruto-san took care of her! Let Juvia and Naruto-san be your parents!"

The dark side of Naruto Uzumaki felt his smile twitch, ' _I feel tempted to swear, but there's a kid…_ ' he gulped and somehow managed to regain his usual smile, but to everyone it was obvious that he was straining it, "J-Juvia-chan, don't you think you're being a tad forward? We barely met the little scamp, not to mention we have no idea how to-"

"Juvia shall put all her efforts to raise her right!" Juvia said, hugging Minerva to her chest with the girl's head under the female mage's chin, "Think about it, Naruto-san! Raising this girl to be a good mage, a better one than her father was, would set an example for other guilds to follow! Not to mention, she could help you straighten other guilds once she grows old enough to have a say in her own guild!"

Minerva nodded frantically, still hanging on Juvia's arms like a kitten, "I-I'd be the best guild master for Saber Tooth ever! Please, don't leave!"

Naruto sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose with his fingertips, ' _This is what happens when I try to be a good guy. Raising a kid is no easy job, I should know since I was one even up to my teens. If I waited for this little one to grow, she could…_ ' and an idea appeared, ' _She could be devoted to me… No, that'd make me no different from Madara. But on the other hand…_ '

Juvia and Minerva stared impatiently, "Do you think he'll say yes?" the little one asked.

"Juvia shall make sure to keep you safe along Naruto-san." Minerva felt a bit odd at how the woman was patting her little head like she really was a kitten.

After thinking some more, Naruto gave them a tired smile and a shrug, "I can… try to see what I can do to help you."

"Yes!" the tiny one cheered from her perch in Juvia's arms.

He held up a hand to halt any celebration, "I have some conditions. First, I'd like you to come here and train to be a good mage. I can't help you learn magic, and your style and Juvia's seem to clash."

"I understand… then I'll train really hard!" the small girl nodded firmly at him.

"Second, my house isn't big enough for you, so you'd have to stay here."

Both girl and woman exclaimed in surprise, "What!? Why!?"

He tried to use a warm, sheepish grin to calm them down, "I'll come by every so often to check on you, I promise. But taking a girl into my small apartment wouldn't be for the best."

Juvia pouted in defeat, "Juvia does agree, it is small though comfortable."

"Then you have to come every day!" Minerva demanded sternly.

"Haha… alright, alright." He chuckled genuinely before saying what he needed to say the most, "And third… if I ever have an idea involving you, I'd like you to be honest with me about it."

Minerva stared at him quizzically, "What do you mean?"

"I don't want to feel like I'm using you like your father did." He noticed the sadness and fear in her eyes at the idea, so he continued, "That's why I will ask for your opinion and permission if I ever need anything from you. Should I ever go with a thought along the lines of, 'Oh, Minerva-chan should totally join me on this trip,' I'd like you to agree with it. And I mean really agree and not do it because I'm asking."

"But if you asked Juvia anything, she'd do it no matter what!" the water woman exclaimed.

Naruto chuckled sheepishly, "See what I mean, little one?"

"What do you mean, Naruto-san?" Juvia asked, clueless.

Minerva nodded, "Then… can we have lunch tomorrow?"

He beamed at her, "Sure." And in his mind, he felt slightly at ease, ' _I got a cute little ally for the future. So long as her choices are her own, I won't be sick with myself._ '

XXXXXX

A few days after that, the inspector was trying to enjoy lunch with a tired look on his face while walking down a street. He had half a chicken sandwich in his hand and bags under his eyes.

Someone noticed him immediately, "Naruto-san?"

Turning, he found Lucy staring at him confused, "Lucy-chan, good afternoon." He smiled tiredly, "Sorry that you have to see me like this, but this is what happens when I have to take my job seriously." He groaned inwardly from exhaustion, ' _It's what happens when I incarcerate someone instead of wiping them out. Who'd have thoughts clones would be useless against that kinda paperwork…?_ '

"Are you alright?" she waved her hand over his face, "You look sick."

"Just tired, Lucy-chan." He answered warmly, though stifling a yawn, "It's what happens when I have to pull all-nighters in cases my bosses want dealt with quickly."

"Sounds like you really had a bad time." She said softly.

He gave her a warmer, one-eyed grin, "Nothing compared to you. I must say, you're quite admirable after all that's happened. Just today I heard the news regarding your decision to stick to Fairy Tail. Frankly though, I'd have recommended the safety of an heiress' life, but it's your life."

She smiled softly, "Sounds like you're not as tired if you still have your sense of humor."

"Speaking of holding onto happy things, how's life treating you so far? Any regrets?"

She smiled cheerfully, but he could see some melancholy in her eyes, "None whatsoever."

He gave her a tired smile, feeling the exhaustion returning, "Good, that means less paperwork." He held up a folder he had been carrying inside his coat, "I made sure to get the original papers from your father's request…" he tore it up in half before her eyes, "I think you'll find the mysterious disappearance of important documents that will prevent him from making another such request."

Lucy was stunned, "N-Naruto-san… won't you get in trouble?" she asked just as he casually crumbled the paper into a ball and threw it at a nearby trash can.

"What for? I think I nailed that throw, straight into the recycling bin, too." He said with a mischievous if weary grin, "Besides, after Phantom Lord's stunt, no one would have looked into that for some time."

She smiled fondly, "Thank you, if I could repay you…" she brightened as an idea hit her, "Wait! I've wanted to give these to some of my friends at the guild, but I think you earned them today."

She held three tickets, "Akane Resort?" he asked in slight surprise, whistling, "Boy, that place sure is nice… and expensive. How'd you get those?"

"I'll… tell you the secrets later." She giggled nervously, "You look so tired and the story's a bit long since you've been gone for a bit."

"Actually, I've been busy with another-"

He was cut off when a pair of tiny arms wrapped around his waist, "Uzumaki-san!" tiny Minerva exclaimed, clinging to his waist and nearly making him fall.

Lucy was dumbfounded when seeing the tiny girl in a traditional dark blue kimono with an orange sash. Said sash had yellow foxes in it, something she wanted in honor for the man she was hugging.

"W-Whoa there, little scamp!" he exclaimed, barely regaining his balance.

Rubbing her face on his sides affectionately, she smiled and spoke up, "You said you'd meet me after lunch, so I grew worried that you were too tired. I made you something better than those sandwiches so you can stop walking like an old lady."

"Am I really that tired?" he asked, and finally yawned, "Ohhh-haaayyy… I am…"

Minerva pulled back and brought out a lunchbox from her kimono, putting on a serious face, "Eat it and get strong again, Uzumaki-san." She gave him the determined look a child who wanted their parent to love their food would use to make said adult eat it even if it could be considered a biological weapon instead of a meal.

And her food was purple, moving, and oozing a dark smoke, "I-It looks… unique…" he managed to say, right eye twitching, ' _Karma, if you exist, you could give me points for trying to be nice to her._ '

"I put my heart into it, Uzumaki-san!" she said, giving him the puppy eyes.

Lucy shuddered, ' _I want to save Naruto-san, but at the same time she's too sweet, innocent and pure to break her heart. What can we do!? If he eats that, he'll die! But if he doesn't, he'd break her little heart!_ '

Taking a deep breath, Naruto smiled brightly at the small girl, "Minerva-chan, do know that I love you no matter what." he said with a straight face before stabbing the food and putting it into his mouth.

Lucy jumped back from horror, ' _H-He did it! That kind of sacrifice for a child… Naruto-san, you're a man who knows what he wants in life! If only more could be like you!_ '

Naruto shut his eyes, keeping on a warm smile as he chewed, ' _This is… this is…_ ' his eyes opened, slightly widened, "Huh, it's quite good." He said dully before taking another mouthful.

"Yes!" the little girl cheered while the man kept eating the bizarre goop she made with gusto.

"Uh, so…" Lucy started, trying not to stare at the mystery food or else her eyes would water just from looking at it, "I wanted to invite you to the resort, Naruto-san. If you'd like, you could take two more with you."

"Thanks." He said, accepting three tickets, but noticed she had two more, "Who are you bringing along?"

Lucy hummed, "Well, I wanted to invite Natsu and even Gray, but…" she sighed, "I could use a rest from Fairy Tail's madness. That's why I'm inviting you, and I'll bring Erza."

"You could've invited Mira-chan if you wanted a more peaceful vacation." He offered.

The girl crossed her arms under her ample breasts as she put on a thoughtful look on her face, "I did want to, but she's been acting weird around me. The air seems to get colder every time I approach her. And it's been that way ever since you've been trying to get to know me better."

"Well, I see you don't want to make things awkward." he put on his charming smile, the food filling his body with more energy back, "I'll invite Juvia-chan, so don't expect a normal vacation. She deserves it after all she's done for me. Not to mention she could get really depressed if I just said I didn't think on inviting her. But the other one…"

He felt a tug on his coat, making him look at Minerva staring hopefully at him.

Lucy couldn't contain her giggle, "I see she made the decision for you."

"Well, I did promise to keep an eye on you, scamp." He showed her the ticket, "Tell me honestly, do you really want to go to a resort with a bunch of older people and this boring guy?"

"Of course!" she jumped, pumping her fists up as she tried to convince him with her stare.

He grinned, "Alright. At least the council owes me a vacation for all I've done for them this past few days."

"Good, I'll see you all there, then." Lucy beamed before she left with a wave of the hand and a cordial goodbye.

XXXXXX

One could describe Naruto as a lucky bastard and he'd have to agree.

"Come on, over here!" Minerva cheered in a simple blue swimsuit plastic donut to float on the beach at Akane Resort, followed closely by Juvia and Lucy in nice bikinis.

Juvia sported a two-piece blue one with strings keeping her top and bottom covered with modest pieces of water-proof cloth. She didn't show any of the goods, having read that the Greek used half-nudity to trance those who viewed their art to find it more alluring, so she at least showed she had curves to spare.

"Come have fun with Juvia and Minerva-chan!" Juvia cheered at his side as she raced after Minerva, followed by Lucy.

The inspector did his best not to keep his eyes on her form or how it swayed and bounced in all the right ways. White cloths covered her top and bottom, both adorned with orange splashes. Her bikini was modest compared to Juvia's, but her body was as modest as the water mage's, meaning that she was stacked.

"What's the matter, afraid of the water?" the girl joked, tying her hair into a side ponytail.

He grinned, wearing a simple white swimming trunks and a red Hawaiian shirt decorated with white parakeets to protect himself from the sun, "I'm used to forests, not beaches." He wasn't lying.

"Where did you come from then Naruto-san?" Juvia asked him, looking interested in his past.

Naruto merely tapped his cheek in a teasing manner, "I came from the land of Fire, a long way from here. I haul from a village hidden in the leaves."

Juvia pouted, as she had never heard of such a land and it didn't exist on a map, "Stop teasing Juvia-chan! Naruto-san tell me where you truly come from!"

He sweat dropped slightly as he hadn't been lying.

"I pictured you as an indoors type of man." Erza said in a slightly risqué blue top and a white cloth around her waist acting as a skirt.

He smiled at her, "I could assume the same as you, Erza-chan."

She smiled softly, "I couldn't train with my swords and armor if I stayed inside too much. Besides, I do enjoy the occasional cup of coffee at a nice café, especially with sweets."

"Simple pleasures are the greatest treasures, I see." He said, putting on a white trilby hat to protect his head from the sun.

"At times they're the thing we need the most." She said and looked at the other girls playing.

Putting on a warm grin, he spoke, "Huh? Do you want to join them that much but are getting cold feet? Worry not, I'm not used to such things either."

She giggled, "So you're suggesting two awkward wallflowers stay on land. Is your next sentence going to be a question regarding a second date?"

"Tempting offer, Erza-chan." He snickered for a second, "Sadly, I mean it when I say I'm no good with other people when it comes to fun like this. You should try it, you need it more."

"What makes you say that?" the warrior woman's eyes examined him curiously, "I thought you'd jump at the chance given Minerva's obvious affection towards you and your stress."

"Come on, it can't compare to what you've gone through." He gave her a serene one-eyed look, "I've seen how my boss tends to make you uncomfortable, deliberately so. Whatever story you have with him, know I will give you a hand for free. Thus, you have the most right to relax…" he gave her a foxy, shut-eyed grin, "After all, you shouldn't worry. I'll back you up."

She observed him, at a loss, but a smile crept on her face, "I… know not what you mean, but I can see you're earnest. Thank you, and I mean it." She looked down sadly, yet still smiled, "That man brings back some memories I want to leave behind. I know for a fact you're good at reading people despite the distance you keep with others, but I never thought you'd see this much into me."

"I had to check up who my boss was, too." He answered, "Guy's got shady written all over him."

"I should know…" she hugged herself, ' _After all, he claims to be J- His brother._ '

Seeing her reliving some bad memories, Naruto covered his eyes with his hat, ' _Peace of mind is what this girl needs. So long as she can enjoy herself, I can research the guy as much as needed. After all, I planned on seeing how truly rotten he was sooner or later._ '

"Uzumaki-san, come play with us!" he was brought out of his thoughts when Minerva cheered, holding a large beach ball over her head.

He chuckled awkwardly, waving both hands, "No, no, I am not-" he was slapped in the back, hard, by Erza.

"Let's go." She said, smiling with some effort yet giving him a genuine grin, "We both need it."

He winced, but managed to put on a smile, "Alright… may as well give it a shot."

Just as he walked into the water, a hand on his hat to keep it from falling, he was hit directly in the face with a familiar beach ball. Lucy gasped in horror, for she had ducked under it when the little girl used some of her magic to add more oomph to her throw. Juvia gaped, petrified in horror. Erza for her part was just unsure of how to react, she just stood where she was with her eyes widened a tad more than usual.

Minerva was utterly mortified, "Uzumaki-san, sorry!" she used her arms to row towards him.

Soon the beach ball unglued itself from his reddened face, allowing the blond to retort, "You have quite the arm in you… Give it some years, and you could give Erza-chan a run for her money."

Two seconds later, he took off his hat, put it on the little girl's head, and collapsed knees-first on the ground before his face hit the water.

XXXXXX

As Naruto recovered in his bedroom, Lucy had some matters to attend to that didn't make her feel at ease.

Swallowing a lump in her throat, she pulled out a key she hadn't shown the inspector, "Alright, Leo. I've done as you said."

A handsome man with a wild mane of orange hair done like a lion's and a suit appeared, adjusting his tie, "Does he suspect anything?"

Lucy pulled a strand of hair behind her ear, "I would like to know if this is for real."

Leo nodded, "Do not trust that guy, he must have something up his sleeves." He narrowed his eyes, "I had no idea he had Aries' key until everything went crazy with Phantom Lord. After that, I had to make sure she was really taken care of. But to have you as my contract and seeing him makes things both easier and more dangerous."

"Is he truly dangerous?" she asked, uneasy.

"Karen was cruel, yes." He said with a growl, "But she was killed kind of conveniently. Then he snoops in and just gets Aries' key. She's the more, and I hate saying this, submissive of us. Getting her key could be one of the many plans in his head. After the way Karen was dealt with, I don't trust that guy with her key."

Closing her eyes to clear her mind, Lucy asked, "I just hope he's really a nice guy and I didn't lie about inviting him and Erza for nothing."

"He is strong, but having Erza around should make things easy if he resists." Leo commented, "Anyway, this trip should give us a chance to see the man he is. Be careful."

She nodded and once he left the blonde beauty sighed, "Leo's suspicious and his logic's sound, but is Naruto-san really that bad?"

Doubt started to appear on her face, her ideas turning her usually cheerful face into a frowning one. Memories of how secretive he could be and the way he acted with Kageyama resurfaced. However, there were those that made it easier to ignore the bad batch. Smiles, compliments, and an effort into making her and others feel comfortable. Was it all an act? If so, she feared for Minerva, but at the same time…

"Aries-chan, you needn't worry."

"I-I want to!"

Lucy saw the blond in white slacks, an orange Cuban shirt, and the white trilby grinning as he chatted with the sheep girl Leo worried about.

As they passed the Spirit mage, unaware of her presence, the horned spirit pouted cutely at him, "Come now, Aries-chan, it was a girl's mistake."

"You should rest, at least." She said firmly but didn't raise her voice, "At times you try so hard to keep others smiling… You do deserve to rest."

"Sadly, I'm a sucker for little scamps, my dear." He gave her a one-eyed smile, tipping down his hat with a hand on it, "And hey, kids deserve to have fun, be themselves, enjoy life freely."

"True, a parent is needed to make sure they don't make bad choices, and hers wasn't the best kind." Agreeing with him felt painful, "But that's why you should rest, go to your room and perhaps play a board game with her… or something that won't harm you."

"Indeed, so let's see if we can help her sneak in the casino to bore her with a couple card games. She'll be fast asleep in a heartbeat." He beamed.

Sweat dripped down the back of Lucy's head at his answer, and Aries grew even more worried, "Please don't! I don't want you to be scammed!"

"Always worrying for little me, aren't cha?" he snickered when she puffed her cheeks in embarrassment and slight disappointment, "Listen, she asked to see what a casino was like, and I'm a decent enough player even without my tricks. Besides, it's not like I'll waste her college money on this."

"You're still bringing a little girl to a place for adults, so I want to worry…" she argued, hanging her head low, "I wouldn't want either of you to be harmed."

"That's why Juvia shall protect Naruto-san!" the water mage cheered as she popped next to the spirit, grabbing one of the man's free arms in an elegant blue night gown that showed all of her back.

"Huh… you really went all out prettying yourself up, Juvia-chan." He complimented with a smile and admired her current hairdo, with her curly hair done in a bun.

"She wanted to look her best, though…" she eyed Aries in a way that made the sheep spirit flinch, "Your dandy attire is too… dandy."

He chuckled nervously, "I… guess my style isn't for everyone."

Juvia beamed, giving Aries a side-stare, "Then let her help you into a better outfit, Naruto-san. She'd be glad to dress you up along your daugh- darling little traveling companion!"

Lucy and Aries felt something inwardly snap in them when Juvia had to quickly correct herself to not say what she thought of Minerva: a chance to prove she could be the mother of the inspector's children.

Speak of the devil, "Juvia-san, is Uzumaki-san ready?" the tiny girl had her hair done in two small ox horns and wore a beautiful blue, firefly patterned yukata with a yellow sash.

"Oh dear, now I feel like I'd bring shame to you in this attire…" he sighed, "My, why did you have to be so cute and dress so well, Minerva-chan?"

The tiny girl smiled brightly, blushing a bit, "Juvia-san said I needed to look my best for this kind of place if I wanted to see it."

"Alright, I see your plans, Juvia-chan." He raised his hands in playful mock-surrender, "I shall admit defeat and let you dress me."

The water mage squealed as she led Naruto, Aries trying to stop her while Lucy reminded herself to remain hidden, though a little girl noticed the former, "Are you one of Uzumaki-san's friends?"

The ram girl blushed, "I… uh, yes." She nodded, "He's taken good care of me since I lost my…" Aries shook her pretty pink head, "It… doesn't matter. What about you?"

"He helped me be free." The look in Minerva's eyes showed a sadness that tugged at the spirit and hidden mage's heartstrings, until she beamed, "He… was… the hero I always wanted! After all I went through, he didn't just stand aside like others. He really wanted to help me, and even if I didn't want to, he… he made me so happy."

Aries smiled at the girl, "Then let me take you to him, I bet he'd like you to see him in a better suit."

Minerva beamed and followed the spirit, "By the way, sis… why the horns?"

Seeing her innocent smiled, Aries blushed but giggled, albeit nervously, "I'm a spirit, and… um… well, he wanted me to enjoy the resort too, even if I don't have a room. He said some really silly things of how I also needed a vacation and wanted me to enjoy myself… He's really odd."

"That's what makes him good!"

Lucy had her doubts, but seeing the girl so happy affected her, ' _There is good in him, or is it really an act? Whatever the case, he has helped so many…_ '

XXXXXX

There was an air of risk, elegance and glamour in a casino that some people never got enough of. Seeing people giving in to their desires, succumbing to temptation, put a smile on the blond man. As a counterpart to the being he once was, he got a high whenever those who thought highly of themselves let themselves be carried by the whims of fate. It makes the sound of reality crashing on them that much sweeter.

And he had four gorgeous ladies at his side in fancy dresses and quite a lovely girl holding his hand. Aries looked intimidated by the place, but staying close to him relaxed the sheep girl, much to Juvia's chagrin. Said water mage tried to remain as close to the blond and small girl as possible while watching over the redhead and former heiress. Erza looked as calm as ever in quite a stunning dress.

But Lucy… "Something the matter?" he asked her with one of his trademark goofy grins, "Not feeling the atmosphere?"

"It's not that, I just find it hard to believe what is… going on, you know?" she said somewhat truthfully.

He adjusted his black tie, though he would've wanted to throw it off. He looked good in a simple black suit with matching pants, brown shoes, and a purple shirt. Gone was his hat, leaving his head cold. Lucy found it odd to see his hair slicked back, and wondered how much effort Juvia had to put to control the messy hair. She always imagined it had the shape of his hat 24/7.

"If you want a few tips, I'm a decent enough player." Then he snickered, "My, I may be boasting…"

"You're great!" Minerva cheered, "After all, you saved me with your skills, right!?"

"Well, then I guess it's good that I know my way around people." He said with a one-eyed smile, ruffling her hair a bit.

Seeing the small girl giggle made Lucy doubt Leo more, but it didn't distract her from something she said, "He saved you playing a game?"

"It's a long story." Juvia said, looking away with her hands balled so hard her knuckles turned paler. "Juvia would like it that Minerva didn't tell details she doesn't want to."

Lucy, Erza and Aries made a silent O with their mouths as they turned to see the girl hang her head low.

Naruto did his best to change the subject, "Hey, at least we can enjoy ourselves now, right?" he patted the girl's head before lifting her, carrying her on his shoulders, "So, what if I give you a first row seat to a game of your liking, tiny scamp?"

Mood: instantly brightened.

"Yeah!" Minerva had the smile of the happiest girl alive.

Just as they were about to have fun the lights suddenly went out. For a few seconds all was quiet, until Naruto held up a lighter and looked around.

"Okay, show off hands, who just got here?" He was waiting for the idiot who'd fall for that, and was unpleasantly surprised to see it was a group of them, ' _I really wish people didn't find new ways to disappoint me and ruin my good faith in humanity_.' He stated with an inner sigh as they were in the middle of holding Erza, her eyes widened as she saw who grabbed her.

"Simon, Wally, Millianna, Shō…?" Her question was directed at a tall dark skinned man who looked piercingly at Naruto, even as he lowered his hand awkwardly.

A man who looked like he popped out of a story book shook his head sadly even as he aimed a gun at Naruto's head, "Sorry buddy, but I've gotta kill you- WHOALY SHIT THAT IS A LOT OF WATER!" Just as he was aiming a gun at Naruto, the blond stepped back as a literal water storm appeared behind him.

Juvia's eyes glowed a furious white as she asked a question that made the four tense, "Would you please repeat that to Juvia? Who are you going to kill? Was it Naruto-san?"

"Now, now… Let's not be too has-" the blond man begun, moments before he suddenly whirled around.

Reacting quickly with one hand tossing up Minerva, the inspector kicked the air to block a claw swipe from a brown-haired woman resembling a cat. The impact caused him and the feline young lady to be pushed back. He skidded to a halt and raised his hand, snatching the girl out of the air and holding her protectively against his chest.

"Millianna!" the block-shaped man warned the feline young lady, who was swatted aside along him by a wave.

Naruto hopped several feet back to keep her away, whistling sadly as he dropped the sliced in half pieces of his tie, "You killed the tie Juvia-chan chose for me. That's pretty mean."

"Juvia is even more furious now…" the water mage growled as the kidnappers knew they had to act quickly.

Erza was in too much shock from the sudden appearance of the strangers, to a point it looked like she was having a breakdown. It helped the one closer to her to trap her in a card, while the others assessed their opponents. Lucy shivered from fear, but after seeing Erza in danger she knew she had to do something, anything. Juvia was ready to murder. Naruto was the one with a problem.

' _Minerva-chan will be in danger and if I go all out there's no telling what'll happen. Who are these guys? How much do they know about me?_ '

Plans in the making were put to a halt at the idea that he could be over his head. And yet, there was the sight of Erza crying in horrible pain when seeing them that made his doubts vanish.

"I got Erza, so it doesn't matter who they are, we can't let them get to her or help her." A big, muscular young man said as he and the others approached Erza's friends.

"Sorry pal." Naruto said after putting the scared little girl behind him, holding up both hands, "I'm going to have to stop you there. We may not know who you are to Erza, but..."

He turned and smiled reassuringly at Lucy, who swallowed the lump in her throat and spoke up, "She… She's with us. She's our friend. We won't let you take her when she's hurting like that…"

"Friend?" Shō asked with a sneer, "Do you know your friend is a traitor?"

"Do you know you need proof to back up your words?" Naruto rhetorically asked.

Furious at the inspector's answer, the youth threw several razor sharp magical cards, which Naruto replied to by running forward, passing a nearby table to grab a deck of cards, and throwing them. Both attacks collided, all cards cutting into each other and falling on the floor. However, the blond had limited ammo and the card mage had far more than him.

Lucy for her part started running when the feline girl went after her, cursing for not having her keys. Seeing that, Naruto didn't think twice and pulled out Aries' key. The sheep girl – who kept Minerva at her side – saw this and locked eyes with the blond. Giving him a nod, she watched him grin and throw the key at the blonde spirit mage. Just in time, for she jumped to barely miss a claw swipe that split a table in two.

Seeing the girl defenseless, the polygon shaped man and the much bigger muscular stranger raced to her, thinking she'd make the perfect hostage. Their idea was proven to be a bad one when a wall of water stood between them and Minerva. Juvia stood by the girl's side, holding her hand and glaring at the two men like a mother bear about to kill whoever touched her cubs.

"It seems this shall be a fun evening." Shō told Erza while she watched her friends get ready to fight those who believed her a traitor.

It'd be funny if it weren't a tragedy caused by a single man, "Jellal..." she growled, balling her hands into fists.

Hoping wouldn't do her good, and yet she prayed for the blond, despite not knowing who was really friend or foe.

 **XXXXXX**

And that's my rap!

I'm sorry if this one's short, but I thought it'd be better to let you see I keep writing this one. I finally got to the Jellal fight, and I really want to make him suffer for all the reasons you may have imagined. His got, by far, one of the worst redemption excuses ever: amnesia. It suddenly just changes his mind and personality without any real character development. It's the equivalent to a slap on the wrist for murder.

If you dislike the guy, the fight with him shall be a lot of fun. Also, Leo's on to Naruto, so the inspector will have to be on his toes from now on if he wants to keep his quiet life.

Swordslinger out!


	9. Strolling to Heaven

I OWN NOTHING

Trying to think of ways to make Jellal's existence a miserable one and have him wish for a thousand deaths without any form of rest or release is not easy. Ideas are welcomed.

 **XXXXXX**

"Can't we just solve this with a game of poker?"

Naruto's question was answered with five more magic cards coming his way. Thus, he flipped backwards and threw his own deck of poker cards, stopping them before he hit the ground. With the mysterious mage in front of him and Erza in his possession, he couldn't get carried away. Hostage situations wasn't something he was used to, but it soured his mood.

"We got what we needed." The card user told the other invaders, "We needn't waste time."

Waving his hands, cards started to spin around him, covering his body in a whirlwind before they flew away with no trace of the mage and Erza. The girls inwardly cursed – minus the still innocent Minerva – as the other mages prepared to leave. However, with some cards still flying around the blond inspector had a guess that he could still get the redhead back.

"Aries!" Lucy and the sheep girl were right behind him, with the pink haired lass shooting a wool wave after the cards to stop them.

Their opponent wasn't happy, "Stop there, it's our playtime with Erza-chan!" the cat girl cheered as she lunged at them, tubes flying at the two as she readied her very sharp claws.

Without a moment to lose, Aries turned and created a wool wall to keep the cat girl at bay, letting her claws shred the white fluff. Lucy would've cursed at her own inability to fight, but she was too worried for the kidnapped girl to care. She raced at the cards, trying to find which one had Erza in and trying to grab the nearest one. Shō then proved to be very cunning.

"Wrong card, girl!" he cackled when Lucy grabbed a card with a bomb drawn on it, her eyes wide when flames erupted from it. Fire would have engulfed her and blasted her back, burning her to a crisp, had she been alone. Aries was quick to let a new wall of wool take the impact while the blast sent Lucy to crash buttocks first on a woolly cushion.

Juvia for her part had her own share of troubles with two mages to deal with. The gunslinger could move in bizarre patterns thanks to his polygonal magic and his gun made it almost easy for him to stay away. Every shot he fired was blocked by the blue-haired woman's water, which also kept little Minerva safe and sound. However, the larger mage proved to be a different and more painful thorn in her shapely side. The larger man's attacks were relentless and crashed through her magic with sheer brute force.

But the gunslinger was quick, his body shifting into small cubes that merged behind Juvia, gun aimed at the back of her head, "These shall be your last words."

Seeing that, Naruto acted. He was there in a yellow flash, eyes shadowed by his hair as he jumped up, spinning his body around to kick and deflect the bullet into the gun. The cube-shaped gunner grunted as his magic pistol bounced back into his face, taking his hat off it. Naruto was quick to grab it and put it on his head, using the shadow to cover what his face could convey if one stared him in the eye.

Bowing politely, the blond quipped, "I'm afraid you're going to have to try harder, finely dressed gentleman." He kept a hand on his new hat to keep his eyes from being seen, "Because I'm about to show you how strong I am." His voice remained melodious, even soothing and relaxed, but there was a hint of danger that made the polygonal man back off.

"Hey, that's mine!" the square gunman grumbled as he nursed his nose.

The chance was too good to miss the joke, "Finders, keepers. Losers, weepers." He told him with a playful grin and the hat still covering his eyes in its shade. "Lucy-chan, you and Aries-chan keep track of our playful dealer. Juvia-chan, keep cute little Minerva-chan safe. And I will deal with the others."

While the others were surprised at his words, the dealer found it amusing, "Guy must have a death wish, Erza." He told the redhead as Lucy and the sheep girl gave chase.

"She won't bother Shō, but you're being too cocky." The cat girl said as she readied her claws.

Tipping his new hat up to show them a close-eyed smile, Naruto replied, "Perhaps." He extended his left hand forward, a magic wristband calling upon something, "But I have something in case I need to get serious. It's a souvenir of the time I knew I had to fight for real with a personal touch of mine."

Cocking an eyebrow up, the gunner and his comrades stared confused at what appeared on his left hand, "A cane?"

Minerva blinked, "I don't sense any magic in that thing… What makes it so special?"

"Juvia has never seen Naruto-san with a weapon before." The water wielder replied.

It was a red wooden cane with what looked which Naruto held in an inverted grip with his left hand, the right resting on the top part with a similar grip, "I try not to use this unless someone forces me to go all out." He opened his eyes for a squinty, fox-eyed expression of mirth, "It reminds me of when its user tried to kill one Naruto Uzumaki with it."

With his right hand he pulled a straight, single-edged blade, showing that it was a chokuto. And in the next second, he had dashed fast enough to disappear before standing right in front of the gunner. It took the polygonal mage to realize that the whiskered inspector was sheathing the sword again before he aimed. Upon aiming, he finally noticed that his gun was missing everything but the handle still in his hand.

"Wha-" the largest enemy mage gasped before he felt the fully sheathed sword's pummel ram into his gut, sending him to skid backwards.

Giving the cat girl a one-eyed warm smile, Naruto stood where he was as he waited for her to react, "T-Take this, cocky, suave jerk!" she snapped, hating the heat on her cheeks at how dashing he looked.

Fully pulling out the blade, Naruto kept an inverted grip on it as if it were a long kunai. He had been trained to fight with daggers and the likes as a child, so using a chokuto meant he needed only a few adjustments. It's not surprise he was a quick learner when determined, for he easily chopped off the tubes the feline mage threw his way. Juvia and Minerva could only see blurs of speed around him deflecting the attacks.

And he finished it off by casually sheathing the sword, "As I've said, I don't like using this weapon." He tipped down his hat to shadow his eyes, "The person who used this really sickened me, but one Naruto Uzumaki had to be kind and give him a chance. Needless to say, I couldn't give him a second chance."

"Get away from Millianna!" the larger enemy roared, but was quickly and swiftly swatted aside by the blond man striking him five times in the torso with the sheath, getting him to fall to his knees.

"S-Simon!" the brunette, now identified as Millianna, cried as she tried to step back.

"Please-" the inspector tried to say, only to feel a gun pressed at the back of his head.

"Brought spares, but you have no life to spare." The polygonal man warned him.

Another blur of movement passed before his eyes, slicing his gun without Naruto turning around and the young inspector's blade inches from the square dandy's neck.

"Let Wally go!" Millianna cried, but felt too scared to react after how casually the blond changed the game for them.

And then… he sheathed his blade, took off his hat, held both with one hand as he put them to his chest, and gave her his most charming smile with both eyes half-lidded, "Now, can we please talk." He said, shocking both his secretary and the tiny girl they brought with them.

Millianna shuddered, though she didn't know if that was a good or a bad thing, "W-What?" Wally asked instead of her.

"You can see you're outmatched, so I'll make it easy." He spoke softly to try to not scare her, bowing his head a bit, "If what I saw with Erza-chan is anything to go by, I must ask what is happening here."

Wally grumbled, "Why should we tell you?" he was ready to attack, but the cat girl shocked him when she approached the blond.

Both Simon and Wally expected her to try to strike him, not look at her feet and blush, "W-Who are you? And why do you care so much about Erza-chan?"

"She is..." He started calmly. Friendship was what some would call their relationship, but he knew he was using Fairy Tail and many more to his advantage, so he had to be honest, "A reliable girl I trust. A strong lass who really needs to learn some moderation, but a good gal nonetheless. Count on her to be the voice of reason, is what I tell myself. Thus, I ask, why do you – who seem to know her – act like this?"

She turned to him, blushing in anger, "Do you know the real Erza!?"

"No." he wasted no time to answer, "Then again, do you?"

His reply gave them the shock they needed to pause what they were doing, all the while Minerva observed how he acted, "Uzumaki-san is so… cool…" her eyes stared at him in awe and respect. Already, part of the tiny girl wanted to be like her hero, but seeing how kind he could be made her want to learn more.

Juvia nodded, "Indeed, but…" she glared at the brunette, "He's sadly too cool for his own good, Juvia fears."

However, things wouldn't be that easy, "And give up all that information just to you!?" Simon barked, "After everything that's happened, all we've suffered through, and what she did… If not for Jellal, we, she…" he was struggling, giving Naruto a hint as to what was going on.

Putting the sheathed sword behind his back, the blond asked calmly, "This Jellal fellow is who calls the shots, I assume." He hummed, giving them a curious one-eyed stare, "Of course I can lie to you and say that it is a matter I understand. However, putting that much anger on Erza-chan given how she is…" he put on a thoughtful look with a hand on his chin, the other keeping the chokuto on his back. "Could there have been a misunderstanding? Surely, we're at odds and we all believe our side of the story. Nevertheless, gentlemen and young lady, are we certain we know the full truth?"

Of course, it was a stupid gamble to think they'd trust him like that, but there was something in how they acted that gave him the idea to try those words, "Why do you believe so much in her?" hearing the square dandy ask that made the blue-eyed foxy man smile.

' _At least Orochimaru thoroughly brainwashed his tools, whoever-you-are-Jellal._ ' He paused mid-thought, ' _Can't believe I'm complimenting the snake. Then again, comparing him to whoever's pulling the strings here is too convenient and fitting. Now, where was I?_ '

Millianna stepped towards him, "Erza acted as our friend once, and you act like she's the greatest woman alive. Why? Don't you think she'd betray you?"

Juvia tensed, ' _D-Does Naruto-san see that woman as… No! Juvia refuses!_ '

Chuckling was an odd response, at least to them, they certainly didn't expect him to remain playful, "I wouldn't say we're all as chummy as she is with her guild. Then again, I can trust her and Lucy-chan to pull their weight if needed. I'll give them that, they are some determined girls when it comes to something they love or believe in. Which is why I can't think that the Erza-chan you're talking about is the one I know."

"Erza…" Simon started, looking at the ground, "Whenever we were in trouble, felt hungry, or got injured, she'd take the burden for us or give us her rations."

"Erza-chan usually painted cute things for me whenever I felt down…" Millianna looked at her feet, tears stinging her eyes.

"That girl promised me to find my brother…" Wally grit his teeth and balled his hands into fists trying hard not to sniffle.

"Then, fine gentlemen and little lady, why do you believe this Jellal about our Erza-chan being anything but the girl we're fond of?" the whiskered man had to contain a sly smile, masking it with his hat covering his eyes, ' _Either I'm too good or this is too easy… Whoever this liar is should learn to play some poker._ '

XXXXXX

Lucy panted as she and Aries followed the card user to the beach, but had to stop when more cards blocked their way.

"I'd love to party, but I must part." The dark-skinned young man told them with a smarmy grin.

"No, no, no!" the blonde yelled as she tried to run around them, "I can't believe it, Erza… No, there has to be a way, right?"

Aries took a moment to think about her answer, "I remember!" she exclaimed, suddenly chipper as she put a hand in her wooly dress, "I forgot all about this, but Naruto-san said to use it on an emergency."

Lucy stared incredulously at a bizarre, three-pronged kunai held in the sheep girl's hand, "A knife?"

"Lucy-san, we must get this on that man!" Aries told her, and the girl nodded, albeit a bit unsure.

"Can you launch me to him?" the blonde asked, gripping the kunai.

"Prepare yourself." The sheep girl said as she saw the man spreading the distance between them.

Without another choice, she used her wool as a platform that shot Lucy towards him, causing the card mage to gape, "What in the name of f-" he felt his words die in his throat when the busty beauty grabbed on to his leg, and even bit on it, "Argh, you little bitch!" he put a foot on her head to push her off, but not before the girl managed to slip the kunai on his back, hooking it with the boy's belt.

Getting pushed into sea water wasn't an issue for the girl whose winning smile said it all, "Done, so, what now?" she asked.

Her spirit smiled back in her soft bashful, but genuinely happy manner, "Thank you for trusting me, Lucy-san. Once Naruto-san gets here, you can find for yourself."

"So, we made his job easier, then?" Lucy couldn't help herself and gave the sheep girl a thumb up which said spirit replied with one of her own. As soon as the others arrived and knew what was happening, things were quite awkward, "W-What're you doing with them? And... when did you have time to change?" the nervous Heartfilia heiress asked with a shaky finger aimed at the former kidnappers before feeling puzzled.

"We have a lot of questions to make, too." Replied the largest of the group, turning to the inspector, "And so far, he's our best bet to answer that."

"Short but simple, yes?" Naruto, back in his usual attire, asked hoping it'd be enough to answer.

"That doesn't work as an explanation or answer both those questions," Lucy replied in flat disbelief.

Brushing it off, he continued, "I've my own tricks for a quick change, and Wally-san here wanted his hat back. Anyway, Minerva stays, these guys are coming, and if you can get your keys we'll go-"

"N-No problem!" Aries exclaimed, "Lucy put one of your special knives on him."

"You mean my kunai?" he asked, slightly surprised, and then beamed, "Thank you, Lucy! I'll make it up to you and Aries."

"But Aries was the one who knew of that all along..." Lucy said.

"If she wants to share the credit, you must have done something right." he retorted and looked into the distance, "I'll follow them closely and watch over for Erza-chan. Be good, all of you." He then turned to those who ruined his evening, "And if Aries-chan or Lucy-chan cry..." he smiled softly, covering his eyes with his own hat, and was gone in a golden flash.

"That was a threat, right?" Lucy asked with a finger aimed to where the blond had stood.

"So far, the only question is, what is a miracle?" the polygon mage asked with his hat tilted down.

"You're just too happy to have that thing back, aren't you?" the cat girl asked before shivering, "But seriously, that was odd... and kinda... sexy."

Juvia glared, "Juvia and you should focus on saving Erza first!" she said firmly, "After all, as Naruto-san's right-hand woman, I shall make sure no tears are shed while Minerva-chan sleeps soundly!" then she gained a red tint on her cheeks, ' _Ah, when she sees Juvia and Naruto-san return, will she be proud of us like a child looking up to her parents? Ah! Juvia's heart is fluttering with joy!_ '

As for Erza, she wasn't having a good time. After trying to talk some sense into her friend when arriving at a massive magical tower that brought back too many horrible memories, she felt exhausted.

"Shō... thank you." But her friend had been kind enough to let her get in an outfit she needed.

"You'll meet Jellal soon enough." The card shuffler said, before finding a tall woman in a kimono followed closely by a man with an owl head and a death metal enthusiast.

Quickly, everything settled in Erza's head of what was happening, "Run, Shō!" However, her cries wouldn't have mattered even if she shouted before they arrived. In a flash, Shō was stumbling backwards, holding a hand to a gash on his chest while blood dripped down his lips. Rage consumed the redhead when the only female of the group entered, holding a nodachi with a wicked smile.

"Sorry about that, but we have to set an example." She said with a small grin while furious tears ran down Erza's cheeks, anger at what her friend suffered mixing with sorrow from seeing his pain. "That woman is a special tool for Jellal, and you made things just the way we needed them to be. Thanks to you, she will die for his dream."

"What do you mean an example!?" she roared while Shō fell back.

"It seems his friends were made aware of what we can do thanks to your meddling friends." The woman said, walking to Erza, "Well, not that it matters. They needed to disappear so not a trace of our plan could be traced to Jellal-sama. Consider it... tying up loose ends."

"Erza!" exclaimed Shō, who, with his wavering strength, sealed the girl in a card.

As soon as the other three turned to him, they were about to attack... until the mage threw an entire deck at them, masking his escape in a rain of fluttering cards. Growling at his desperate attempts to escape, the trio gave chase, looking for the boy in different floors around the tower. And as they did, someone had arrived and was running outside the tower, quite literally.

"My kunai's near." Naruto said while climbing the structure with his feet as he neared the top. Upon finding a window, he entered an empty but well-decorated hallway, "Lovely place, but reeks of narcissism..." he sighed out loud with a baffled expression, "Needlessly pricey stuff like this speaks volumes of someone's ego and their need to stroke it, not like I'm one to judge, right?"

He turned to see a very buff owl man with rockets on his back, freezing when the inspector turned to him, "To find me like that, I assume you're no normal troublemaker, hoot!"

Rubbing the back of his head with an apologetic, wide-eyed smile, the blond kept his nonchalant act, "You think? Then again, this place tries so hard to please someone with its design that it's kind of hard to not miss anything that isn't as needlessly stylish." He chuckled, "Although you're also hard to miss, Mr. Owl."

"The name's Fukuro, and you'll be my next meal." The owl man said with a large grin as his jetpack flew at the blond.

Jumping over it, the inspector landed on the flying device, grinning as he kept his hat in place with a hand, "Not bad, but- huh?" he arched a brow when two mechanical arms grabbed his ankles.

"And now..." Fukuro's beak turned into a wide smile, which widened more and more until his mouth became large enough to gobble an entire man, "Time to eat your magic!"

Letting go of him, the mechanical arms were supposed to have the blond fall into the larger mage's beak. Instead, Naruto remained flying up, chuckling awkwardly at the sight below him, "My, that's... disgusting. I am sorry, but that's quite the nauseating sight." He put on a twitchy smile accompanied with an arched eyebrow.

"What!?" Fukuro gasped under him, closing his mouth to a more normal size, "How're you still there!?"

"Oh right, not even my boss knows all my tricks." Naruto smiled and clapped while still airborne, "Sorry, Mr. Owl, but I don't like the idea of being eaten. If you did something as sickening as ruining my good suit by leaving your slobber on it..." he chuckled once, softly, through his nose as he hid his eyes with his hat, "I'm afraid that'd actually make me a tad mad."

"No matter, hoot!" the owl jumped at him, as the jetpack flew closer to the mage with the inspector still riding on it. "I can still-"

Fear overwhelmed him with the inspector opened his eyes, revealing dark sclera surrounding crimson pools. His smile remained as friendly and warm as every time he showed it to Lucy. But for Fukuro, that change had been too much to take. And that distraction, that small fraction of a second, was all the blond man needed. Jumping at the owl, he sunk his foot into the more muscular fighter's stomach.

Painful as it was, it didn't compare to the feeling of his corrosive chakra sinking into his body and eating it. Fukuro gasped, letting out a breathless yell when it started to devour his flesh. Soon, the dark energy took hold of his insides, spreading like an infection. Naruto landed softly behind him, his eyes back to normal as he observed the voiceless owl claw at the air for any deity to save him. And then, the owl disappeared.

"Ah, such wonderful silence." He smiled with a tiny curl of his lips and calm eyes, "Sorry, Mr. Owl, but I couldn't have you inform anyone of my arrival or my tricks."

XXXXXX

Ultear walked in on her boss to see the man growling, "Is something the matter?"

"It..." he took a deep breath, "...appears the matter at the tower is being taken care of by Uzumaki."

"That man?" she was surprised, "But weren't you going to push the council to use-"

"It doesn't matter." He had to bite back a growl, "All I can say is that... his arrival will surely change things."

As for the blond inspector, he had to pause and run a hand on a bridge adorned Japanese gates, "Hmm... Even with this needlessly fancy décor, the inside of this place is oddly-"

"You!" screamed a familiar and welcomed face.

"Mr. Dealer, you're a pleasant surprise." he said calmly, "May I ask why you had to be so rude when greeting..." His words died in his throat when seeing the wound on his chest. "What just happened?" he asked, a deep frown of confusion on his face.

"Jellal did this..." Shō started, "He planned everything... Killing Erza... Killing us... because I wanted to... I... I'm so sorry..." tears ran down his face as he sobbed, bawling like a child, "I hated this place! I hated it so much, but I loved everyone here too much! Erza, Milliana, Wally, Simon, and even Jellal... I just couldn't take it! Erza's betrayal, Jellal's words of the world that just left us to rot here..."

"Naruto!" he noted the card still in his hands, which he handed the inspector. "Please, don't leave Shō behind, I beg of you! Do everything you can to save him!"

"My life doesn't matter..." Shō said stubbornly, "Do not let Erza out, or she'll try to get to Jellal to end this..." blood started to drip down his lips to his chin, a sad smile on his face, "Pathetic, aren't I? I just caused her trouble... and when I want to fix my mess..." he raised a hand, as if trying to grasp something. It felt limp as he let out an exhausted breath, "Why... were we even born for... when we're so... useless...?"

"Apologize to Erza-chan once it's all over." The inspector said firmly and handed him the card back as he used his jacket and scarf like makeshift bandages, pressing his coat on the boy's chest and using the scarf to wrap it up tighter.

Shō let out a gasp when sensing someone approach, "Behind you!" Reacting by instinct, Naruto grabbed the half-dead dealer and jumped on top of a gate while the place they stood on was cut to pieces. Not only that, he noted that a cut appeared on the brim of his hat, getting him to clench his jaw before looking at the one responsible.

Standing casually under him was a woman with long pink hair set in dual loops on each side of her head. She wore a white kimono with a red skull-shaped symbol on the side. It showed her shoulders and large bust. Casually, she walked to them with a pair of red high-platform sandals, a beauty mark under her green eyes adorning her smirk when noticing she left a gash on his hat. She also had a choker.

Giving an air of smug confidence, she raised her nodachi and spoke up, "Don't cry for such a fool. After all, it is my duty to take out the trash." She was ready for a quickdraw while the blond man jumped down, put Shō on the floor gently, took off his ruined hat, inspected it with narrow eyes, and let out a sigh.

"Lovely." He said dully, closing both eyes to give himself a squinty-eyed foxy face, "Lady, this hat was love at first sight. Not only that, you had to hurt Erza's friend before we met." He popped an eye open, "It's going to take me a lot of time to like you even if you're a beautiful lady." He said seriously and placed the ruined hat on Shō's face, "Watch it for me." he whispered softly, though the dealer was too tired to move it.

Angry at his nonchalant attitude, she kept moving forward, "And why should that bother me?"

Raising his hand, Naruto raised a single finger, "Because since this conversation started, I could have done five naughty things to you." He opened his hand to reveal her choker and the pink ribbons that had been tied to her biceps, and then let out a goofy, sheepish grin, "Okay, maybe three if I'm exaggerating."

Gasping when her sleeves started to slide down to reveal more of her shoulders and quite impressive bust, she regained her composure with a glare, "Let's see you handle this, then!" she jumped back and drew her blade swiftly, "Yasha's Empty Flash!"

Wind was cut as Naruto noted flashes of magic slicing through everything in their path. Pulling out the blade in a quick motion with both eyes closed, he disappeared in a blur of steel. Reappearing right behind the pink-haired samurai, he tried to strike her only for steel to clash against steel. Sparks flew before she dashed back, readying another attack.

"Not bad, but it won't matter soon." She said darkly, "Jellal-sama has the upper-hand, he will make you regret your foolish adventure."

"If you don't mind me asking, would you kindly tell me what exactly is his plan?" he asked casually while sheathing the blade again, putting the sword behind him.

"Having your and others' attention." Was her answer, "Just to see you play in his hands."

"I'm asking to know what Erza and her friends have to do with this." He asked composed, both hands clasped on the sheath behind him.

"Isn't it obvious?" she asked casually, "They were tools."

"What!?" Shō asked in shock, "No way, you're lying! Jellal saved us, he gave us purpose!"

"As tools for his plans, nothing else." The woman said, readying another strike, "Just like me, nothing but a tool for a greater mage's purpose."

"So, he had you to… what did you call it, pink lady?" Naruto asked casually, keeping his hands tightened on the chokuto on his back.

The swordswoman smirked, "Taking out the trash. After all, they were disposable. Did you think Jellal would let them get to him if they ever grew a brain to figure out they were used?"

Naruto lost his smile, his eyes opening ever so slightly, "I hoped not, honestly. Should he have been an idiot, I'd have made him pay following the rules. But hearing you say those words reminds me of a sneaky snake I knew…" he gave her a brief glance of who he really was, dark orbs of crimson replacing the blue his eyes with slit pupils, "And I truly despised that man."

Up and down her spine, she could feel shivers running around, "Don't get cocky!" she forced herself to say and attacked again, "Yasha's Empty Flash!" she watched the magic slashes cutting through the air right at him. And then, he was gone, ' _What!?_ ' she choked at the sight before hearing movement from her right.

Turning, she saw him still smiling that simplistic, charming, warm smile of his with both eyes shut again, "I'll warn you, I'm tougher than I look."

"Disappear!" she sliced again, and he gave a step forward.

The next second, he was right beside her, an arm wrapped around her shoulder with his face next to hers, "Oh my, are you tense." He chortled good-naturedly.

"Stand still!" her scream was accompanied by one of the traditional gates being cut to ribbons.

And atop the broken pillar that remained, he stood calmly and casually dusting his shirt, which sleeves he had started to roll up.

"Let me tell you something." He started as if talking to a child in a very soft-spoken manner, "I'm a guild inspector at the council. Meaning I deal with mages all the time. See, I do taxes, interviews, keep things neat and tidy, and even have tea parties with them." He jumped off and walked casually to the unsettled woman, "But if a guild is unruly and needs dealing with, I'm the one the council will always send."

"Conceited little-" she was about to pull out her nodachi, but found his strong hand gripping her wrist, preventing her from doing so.

"Scared?" he asked with a laidback grin, "Now, now, don't be. Only worry if your friends or boss hurt someone else in my presence." He opened his right eye slightly, darkness staring at her soul, "Because I can also take out the trash."

Jelly-like knees finally crumpled as the woman fell, seated and too stunned to speak, "Who... what are you?"

"Would you even want to know?" was his rhetorical answer, "Now." He whispered, "I'd like you to take a nap." A dull thud later, and the pink-haired woman dropped like a sack of rocks.

"What...?" was all that the swordswoman could ask before he used her ribbons and kimono to hogtie her, gagging her with a fistful of cloth.

With a job well done and her sword in his hands, he had one more thing to do, "Now to make this look realistic..." with a sigh, he drew out the blade and stabbed himself through his left hand, "Ah! Ok! Ow, that... hurts a lot..." grinding his teeth, he made sure the entire length was coated in blood.

After pulling it out and throwing the weapon beside its user, he returned to Erza and her friend, pulling out her card, "What did you do?" she asked when processing what stood before her. On any occasion the inspector had been involved, she would have expected him to suffer severe wounds, not just one.

"She was a one-trick pony." Naruto explained calmly, "Sadly, my best idea when I was about to be sliced and diced against a wall was... well, stupid at best." He chuckled and then winced as he held up his wound, a grunt escaping him, "Hey, Mr. Dealer, can you let Erza out now? We both need the medical attention."

"S-Sure..." Shō, who had the hat on his face the entire time, waved a hand weakly and the knight woman was out.

Upon seeing the man, Erza couldn't contain herself, she hugged the whiskered man, surprising him, "Thank you, Naruto..." she tightened her hold, "...and forgive me."

An echoing smack echoed in the chamber as he doubled over, her fist sinking into his gut, "Guh..." was all he got out before falling on his knees and then flat on his face.

"E-Erza!?" the card mage gasped while she smiled sadly at him.

"Take care of him, Shō, and in turn I'm sure he can help you." Finality set in her next words, "Jellal and I have business to attend to." Thus, she ran off.

"Erza? Erza!" Shō yelled, but couldn't move, his wound made it painful to do so.

Once she disappeared from view, the inspector groaned, "Ugh... I know I'm strong, but that was a dirty cheap shot... Argh... Erza-chan doesn't do soft, I see." Giving his only conscious company a glance, he spoke up, "Wait up and don't die, people are on their way to help fix this mess. I'll try and get her back."

Grabbing his hat, he put it on and walked forward, then grabbed a piece of the female samurai's kimono, cut it, and used it to bandage his hand, "What...?" She asked when noting some movement.

"I'll be using this." His voice paralyzed her, followed by a ghostly whisper only she could hear, "Do keep your mouth shut, please." His warm and cheerful tone hid not a threat, but a promise to fear.

Shaking in fear, she let her head fall while he moved forward. There was no way she could've defied such an order after what she saw him do.

After all, it was his whims what allowed her to live, and that nature could be what ended her life.

 **XXXXXX**

And that's my rap!

I'm so sorry it took so long, and I know you wanted to see Jellal suffer right here, right now. However, the chapter was getting long, and I think you'd like me making his just desserts that much sweeter.

My issues with Jellal aside, I had problems due to other reasons. Life has been getting rough. Stuck in a stressing job, trying to find a new, better one, and also juggling other stories. It's why I took a break during my Spring Break and just now started writing. I may have written bits here and there for other fics, but I really needed that time off to relax after so much piled up.

If you can be patient, I will try to make Jellal's punishment fitting and keep working on this as hard as I can. Oh, and before you call foul on Naruto getting down on his knees after getting punched by Erza... We are talking about the woman who can upper-cut charging bulls before breakfast. And she hit him before he could've reacted or figured out her plan. As he said, a dirty cheap shot.

Swordslinger out!


	10. Mask Off

I OWN NOTHING

This chapter wasn't easy to make. Be warned, there will be very big twists to throw you all for quite a loop and maybe make some of you question my sanity.

 **XXXXXX**

"Perhaps you are stronger than you look, Naruto-san, but even if you aren't what you seem to be, you are nothing compared to me."

Siegrain was a man with many talents he showed the council to make everyone respect him. He was a man of high status whose magic was unrivaled by many. Due to that, finding out his supposed peaceful and at times comically stressed inspector could kill put him on edge. However, it didn't matter. For all that Naruto could do, the one in control and who had everything going smoothly was him, the blond man's boss.

So, why did he feel uneasy?

"Sir, the council is getting restless, we should meet them soon." Ultear reminded him from the other side of his door.

"Indeed." He said and got out, followed quickly by the woman.

She did worry, though, "Sir, if I may, what did you mean Uzumaki is taking care of things?"

Putting on his façade of a collected boss, he replied, "You know he is strong, and reports say he's doing what he can to solve things. However, such a foolish man will die sooner or later. And his involvement may put those cultists on edge. So, as much as it may pain me to say so, he will be a liability."

Odd and annoying as the glorified accountant was, those words stirred something in her, "But sir, he is strong. You said his arrival could change things. Maybe-"

"My word is final, so since he could put those threats on edge and make them more hostile we need to worry for the many and not the few." Were his last words.

Taking a deep breath, she nodded, "Yes, sir..." she growled from the depths of her throat, trying not to spit venom, ' _It is a good thing I know your plan. Otherwise, I would have killed you for daring to harm that man. However, you better be safe, Naruto. You are... endearingly annoying._ '

As for said blond.

"Atchoo. Whew...is some cutie talking about me?" he asked himself as he approached the doors to Jellal's office.

Kicking subtlety out the door as well as kicking the door before him open, the inspector made himself known. The sight before him was one he expected, both former friends clashing. Erza looked lovely as ever in a revealing outfit consisting of red hakama pants and nothing but bandages around her impressive breasts. Jellal wore an odd mixture of spandex and armor.

"I knew you'd come, Uzumaki, if that's your real name." Jellal said, getting into a fighting stance. "You-"

"Wait up, boss?" Naruto asked, tilting up his hat, inwardly sighing at the gash on its trim, "You're the reason Erza-chan's crying, my hat's messed up, and some people worship this place like brainwashed cultists? I am at a...loss?" he tried to find what to say, his bandaged hand on his chin, "I knew you were evil, the only reason I got paid extra was because of Ultear-san being as lovely as she-"

"Alright, enough." The angered man whispered, shooting at the blond like a bullet.

Erza grew horrified as she expected the blond man to be hit, "Naruto!" she tried to reach him.

Instead, she grew shocked when the blond side-stepped the charge, casually grabbed the man by the back of his collar and used his momentum against him. With a simple pull, he made the man flip thrice in the air before an unceremonious kiss to the floor. Fairy Tail's queen could only gape, standing in place in utter awe and disbelief with eyes as wide as dinner plates.

"What the...?" Jellal grunted.

But the blond continued, "Also, you usually made me pay for your coffee and never gave me the money back. How cruel is that? Ugh, I was actually thankful you weren't a smoker, I could see you requesting me to bow and light your cigarettes or even buy them."

"Enough games!" the tattooed man shouted as he leapt for a lightning fast kick.

Naruto casually tilted his head to the side, avoiding the heel. Using that same carefree attitude, he gripped the man's ankle and lifted it, flipping him yet again. Erza blinked, her body limp at what she was seeing. A mere inspector like the blond was effortlessly using a high-ranked mage's momentum against him. And he did so like a martial arts demonstration.

"Also..." the blond started, tilting down his hand, "Your fighting style is something I got figured out a long time ago, boss. Charging at me from any angle won't work, not when Natsu-kun gave me enough practice." He gave the man a warm grin, "Although, I'm expecting it's not your only trick."

"How do you...?" Jellal retreated at high speed, glaring, "You...You dare mock me!? Playing with that stupid fake smile of yours!?" he snapped, "Do you want the truth!? I am your boss, yes. Right now, Siegrain is a copy of myself, ready to play the council into my hands, and you can do nothing to stop it. But..." he shuddered in anger, "It means nothing against my hatred for your stupid smile."

"Huh? Care to explain, boss?" Naruto asked, getting into a more defensive stance with both hands holding his chokuto, the right on the handle and the left on the sheath.

"I knew when I first saw you that you were bad news, but I let you live since I cannot be beat by the likes of you." He started to shake, "You, a fake whose smiles are always so empty, can never stop the revolution I sacrificed everything for! Everything I've done for this moment, for Zeref's rebirth, has taken too long to accomplish! I shall never lose it to the likes of you, fake!"

"Such harsh words, calling me names like that." Naruto replied casually, walking forward.

"You said you figured out my fighting style, but I figured you always held back a long time ago." Jellal started to dash around the blond and Erza, moving so fast he left afterimages of himself to confuse them, "I have studied you, fake! All your smiles, words, and actions while observing me are of one with a higher purpose! I couldn't care less what it is, but if you stand in the way of Zeref-sama's awakening, you'll die!"

Erza put her back on Naruto's, both observing the man's moves, "What is he talking about?"

"I'd like him to spill the beans." The blond started.

"Listen, Uzumaki, whatever you're chasing doesn't matter, not when Zeref-sama will change this world!" Jellal cried and attacked.

"Your nine!" Naruto shouted, as both he and the redhead turned to the same side to counter Jellal's attack. The whiskered man used his sheathed sword as a bo staff to parry a punch, hooking it around Jellal's arm before throwing him overhead. Erza replied by kicking Jellal's side, making him skid on the floor with a grunt of pain before getting up and running around them again.

"Fakes like you, using smiles and pretty words to fool anyone into following you know nothing of what I went through!" the blue-haired man yelled, "At least I endured more than you could imagine, I earned the power! Working here, building this place without hope until I was finally chosen! I will awaken Zeref-sama from his slumber in death's arms! And he will change this world for the better!"

"Three!" the blond told the knight woman, and she parried Jellal's side-kick while Naruto used his sheathed sword to smack him on the face.

Using enough force to send Jellal flying back, he relaxed when seeing his back impact against a wall, "And even now...you're still a fake..." the tattooed mage growled, holding his chin while blood dripped down his lips, "Acting like you won't kill me with Erza here, all to keep that image of a saint when you're anything but." He grinned with bloody teeth, "Tell her...of how you killed Fukuro."

Naruto tilted down his hat, shadowing his eyes while the redhead turned to him, "Is that...true?"

"Of course he won't tell you!" Jellal started, getting up by leaning against a wall, "Did you see what he just did!? He's hidden that power from you for a reason! A bastard like him has been manipulating everything and everyone for his own gain! Only for himself and no one else! As much as you want to think you're on the moral high ground, your actions have been selfish, Uzumaki!"

"Is this the moment you expect me to deny so?" Naruto's calm, if tired-sounding question baffled the two. "Frankly, I would have even killed that pink swordswoman had she been a threat. Fortunately for her, the fact there were witnesses prevented me from doing so."

"W-What?" Jellal asked, beyond baffled.

"If things have come this far, I may as well come clean." Naruto sighed, turning to Erza with his ever-present tired grin, "Sorry, Erza-chan, had you not punched me and allowed me to act, I wouldn't have to do this. Had I just the chance to go along my plans and knock you out, you'd be spared this. Of course, since you and this guy are in the same room, that chance's gone."

"No way..." Erza mouthed.

"I and my actions have been cruel enough times to lose count." The blond tilted his hat up, smiling tiredly, "I hoped to make you see reason, but I never expected to be attacked. With your friends coming for a tear-jerking reunion, I wished to see them together so I could deal with you." Then he took off his hat and threw it high into the air, "But now the jig is up."

Erza's katanas were inches from his and Jellal's neck, to which she bellowed, "Talk! And do so without dancing around the issue!"

Lazily grinning at her, Naruto waited for his hat to hit the desk, landing softly on it, "Oh, he is right. I have been rather selfish. You? I've kept my eye on to learn of weaponry. Lucy-chan? My interest in spirits. Ultear? She taught me of this world. Fairy Tail as a whole? I could see how the council worked."

"Have you even used your maid?" Erza asked, shaking slightly from anger.

"I did, but then I...I wouldn't know where to start when talking of her and everyone else." Naruto admitted, looking down with a slightly pensive look. "If I had to say it short, I'd say you are hard to get rid of, even in my dreams. That is why being fond of you is one of the things I didn't want to happen."

Erza could tell he meant it, "So, in the end, our friendship started because we were tools."

Jellal smirked, "And you think you're better than me? At least with my actions, a new world order will be obtained."

"Fair point, but all I want is an end for a particular quest of mine." Naruto's warm grin threw the two for a loop, "The being before you is and isn't Naruto Uzumaki. I am incomplete, sadly. Which is why my need to find a way to be a whole person means I got to get my hands dirty. However..." he grabbed Erza's katana, which blade started to evaporate thanks to his corrosive chakra, "I try not to be needlessly cruel."

"What!?" Erza and Jellal gasped, the knight letting go of her sword which disappeared into nothingness.

Dashing away thanks to the opening, Jellal got to a safe distance, "Needlessly cruel?" he growled, getting over his shock, "Don't joke with me! You're no different than me!"

"I beg to differ." Naruto said as he unsheathed his sword, throwing out the sheath as his eyes revealed their true colors, pitch-black sclera with red iris. "Erza-chan, I'd never asked to fight for me. Lucy-chan, I try to help grow stronger. Juvia-chan, I want to see happy without relying on me. Ultear-san, I wish to learn what troubles her. Fairy Tail, I have grown too fond of those idiots. You, however, try to harm them."

Jellal shook with rage before flying right at the blond, "Don't play hero!"

"I never would." The blond said calmly, and slashed the air.

Immediately, Jellal had to fly out of the way of a corrosive chakra blade flying at him. A crescent moon shaped projectile which cut through anything in its path. The blond walked forward, sword down and a lazy if calm smile on his face. Such a sight angered the tattooed man far more, but the display of power put him on his toes.

"All I've done is to change this world for the best, it matters not the price or what Erza or you think of me!" Jellal snapped, "After all I went through as a child here, everything..." he started to tremble, hugging his body at the memories, "The pain, the tears of others, the way those monsters treated us... If it is for Zeref-sama, it'll all be worth something!"

"And all I see is a sad man who can't see an entire picture." The blond said, "It was the moment you chose to harm Erza-chan that I decided to end this game of yours. The fact you're saying their pain is worth it just makes this easier for me to not care about her knowing who and what I am."

"Naruto..." Erza didn't know whether to feel touched or horrified. On one hand, the man she knew had been a fabricated story, but on the other he had the morals to stand against Jellal.

But her awe was noted, "Wide open!" her thoughts were halted when the tattooed man dashed at her and swiftly kicked her across the face.

"Erza!" Naruto gasped when seeing her flying and crash against a wall, which cracked from the force. Upon landing, she even bounced once on the floor.

"And you're next!" Jellal said, trying to use the other man's shock to his advantage.

Only to be shocked by seeing a happy expression, "Didn't I tell you?" he started, smiling wider before swinging his blade. Jellal's voice reverberated in the room from the painful, deep slash across his face, which destroyed his left eye completely, "I am fond of her. And while I try to not be cruel, it doesn't mean I can't be."

His grin was soft and calm, displaying the warmth of a peaceful man which made it even eerier for Jellal to look at him while he clutched his bleeding face. Drops of blood became small puddles at his feet. While the pain was agonizing, it only served to fuel the blue-haired mage's anger tenfold. With his only good eye, he glared and ignored the wound.

"I'll kill you...I'll end your life before her eyes, then bring Zeref back!" he shouted, the fury in him numbing the pain.

"We know I'm not letting that happen." Naruto said calmly while protectively standing before Erza. She panted raggedly, blood leaking down her face as her hand held her sword tightly to try to bring herself up.

"You won't stop me, she's the final piece." Jellal answered with a wicked grin, "I planned for her to be the sacrifice to bring back Zeref-sama from the start!"

Grinning weakly, Naruto closed his eyes tighter than usual. "My word, you really, truly, absolutely think that you're that superior to me?"

Walking towards them with a visible aura over his body, Jellal was the picture, nay, embodiment of smug satisfaction, "And why wouldn't I think that? You've played the role of the accountant perfectly, in over your head, thrown into an unwinnable situation. The only reason you are drawing breath without my say so is because I held back."

His words made Naruto chuckle lamely, "Hehehe..." his other hand was placed squarely in his pocket, seeming to grasp or reach for something that wasn't there.

"What's so funny you worthless pencil pusher? Wage-slave of the magic council?" Jellal paused, wary now.

Naruto grinned at him, "Oh… Nothing really. Just, I find it so weird. Why must guys with huge egos overcompensate and monologue so much? Why not get to the point?"

Jellal snorted in cold amusement, giving Naruto a cruel smile, "Because discussing how pathetic you, the slaves I once was dumb enough to call friends, and Erza are is the most satisfying thing imaginable to me."

His words made Naruto tilt his head, looking bemused while Erza spat out blood angrily, "Jellal, you damned rat! You twisted our friends, made them believe I betrayed you!"

"AHAHAHAH! Yes, yes, of course. They were so simple to trick, so easy to twist up, a little lie here, a little word here, year after year of misdirection. It was a long process, but I had a small cadre of loyal bodies to send after you! If one or all of them died in the process of bringing you to me, I'd have considered it just as well!" his smug gloating made Erza's expression fall from anger to outright disgust and hatred.

For his part, Naruto merely hid his eyes with the shadow of his hair, "I see you're just what I pictured and said you were, a slaver. Guess my complaints weren't off at all."

"Yes, now that we've discussed all of that, shall we get to your sacrificial offerings?" Jellal asked them both smugly, making Naruto whistle in response.

"Juvia-chan, you can release the water blanket. Good show with the camo." A section of the wall fell, revealing his precious maid and assistant.

At his command, Juvia revealed herself. The secretary of the rather shady blond had a curtain of water floating around her. Rubble, rock, grey dust, and more fell in with a clatter. Behind her were the gathered friends Jellal deceived, all of whom had horrified expressions. Jellal's eyes widened then stared at Naruto who got up slowly.

"H-How?" Jellal asked in utter shock.

Naruto grinned softly while dusting himself off and adjusting his tie with a shake of his head. "I'd never do this unless I had to, but..." he turned to the others, smiling softly while Lucy and Juvia stared in disbelief, "If it means bringing you down, I care not about wasting the reputation I built."

"Juvia cannot believe it...Naruto-san, why would you?" she finally asked.

He waved casually at her, "Give any liar who uses others for their most selfish wishes enough time, and inevitably he'll reveal his true thoughts to his minions. It takes a special kind of egomaniacal megalomaniac to just do that without much prodding. Rather sad, really. Me? I have my goals and priorities, and taking down guys worse than me is up at the top of that list regardless of consequences."

Enraged beyond words at the sudden turn of events, Jellal rushed at the blond, "I'll kill you twice over!" he yelled, but the blond side-stepped a kick, "Everything I've done, all I sacrificed, was for this day!" he let all his fury out in that scream while trying to punch Naruto, who swayed, bobbed and weaved around the strikes, "You won't take it all away from me!"

"Funny." Naruto said with a casual smile, and punched Jellal so hard he knocked him into a pillar, "You still seem to think that's enough."

"Grr...damn you..." Jellal grunted after landing face down on the floor, getting up with a hand on his gut while blood from his empty eye-socked caked half his face. "I'm stronger, I know it! No matter how much an idiot like you pretended to work for me, I made sure I could beat you! I made sure everything would work! So just die already!"

Millianna gasped, "Is this Jellal's...real self?"

A baffled Lucy nodded, "It seems to. To imagine someone that twisted was one Erza's friend..." she looked at Naruto's back, "...or that Naruto-san would be like this..."

She didn't continue as Jellal scratched his head madly, "It will work, it must work! To change this world, I've put my life for this! All those betrayals, lies, everything is for-"

Gasping coldly, he finally noticed Naruto was right in front of him, crouching and smiling softly before he grabbed his former boss by his hair, "Let me tell you a secret." He whispered so only Jella could hear a single line, "Zeref has been alive this whole time, everything you've done was already for nothing."

As the words sunk in the man's head, he could only see a laidback, warm grin on his former subordinate's face. Everything hit Jellal like a ton of bricks. Tears pooled the corner of his one good eye when he looked at the blond, blood dripping down his empty eye-socket along the salty drops. Observing such a pathetic expression just made the blond inspector smile more warmly.

And then, Jellal's face was smashed on the floor, knocking him out.

Lucy couldn't believe her voice came out, "Why...?"

A simple question, but the blond smiled back at her, "Sooner or later someone would have found my secret." He then sat cross-legged beside Jellal and put up his hands up, wrists together, "If you're good girls, the man before you is a criminal. Cuff me and put me in a cell." he said, still keeping his laidback grin.

"Just wait a damn minute!" Millianna shouted, "You're just going to reveal all of this and expect us to then lock you up!"

Giving her a sympathetic smile, he nodded, "Do you want to make this more difficult for others?" he asked, looking down despite keeping a slightly tired smile, "Like I said, I'm an incomplete being. What you see is a sad shadow of Naruto Uzumaki." His eyes finally returned to normal, "Do know, though, Lucy, Erza, Juvia, and you cute little entourage of funny people... I had fun meeting you."

Erza gripped her head, "D-Don't joke with me, this is a dream, right!?"

"Let's not make this more difficult for anyone..." Naruto repeated, "Please, cuff me... My arms are getting tired."

"Y-You're still making jokes!" Lucy gasped, disbelief on her face.

"Sorry, force of habit." The blond man chortled good-naturedly, "But you know that if I resist, the council will do worse. You can't keep this a secret from them, or else you'd be in trouble if they eventually find out. And, well, this is all my fault for growing fond of you."

"Then Juvia will fight them!" the water woman cried, tears rolling down her cheeks like rivers, "She can't l-lose you! You made Juvia enjoy the warmth of the sun! Even if the man you showed to her was a lie, there was a genuine kindness to your actions! Naruto-san, every word you said, you meant them! So, please, don't-"

"See?" he said, turning to Erza and pushing his hands to her, "This is why I didn't want to make bonds with you, but...I guess Naruto Uzumaki was still in me."

"I...I understand." The redhead said dejectedly, "But...I'll find a way to bring you out, and then you'll talk!" she said furiously.

Grinning charmingly, he nodded, "Sure, although I wouldn't mind visits."

XXXXXX

After the report and witness testimony, everything crumbled for Jellal, but the man had stopped functioning. Regardless what anyone said, his only eye stared vacantly into space, his mind wiped clean after what he had heard. Naruto hadn't lied to him, he knew the man too well to understand he gained and lost nothing giving him such information.

So, he just sat on his cell, a mere empty shell which had stopped thinking.

Meanwhile, Naruto sat on the bunker of his own cell, wearing an old-fashioned striped jumpsuit. He even had a ball and chain attached to an ankle and thick shackles on his wrists. Time passed, and yet he kept his smile despite the state he was in. A calmness invaded him as he enjoyed the peace and quiet, and played chess with other prisoners.

"Naruto-san." He was visited by Juvia, who often stood outside his cell while he sat on his bunker, "I've brought Minerva-chan's letters."

"Thank you, Juvia-chan." He said with a smile, reading them with a bright look in his eyes, "Huh, she's really doing everything she can to be her guild's next master. Oh, she says here you two went shopping. Was it fun for you or a bit awkward for her?"

Juvia smiled, albeit with trembling lips, "N-Not at all! She was a true delight, she just wished you were there..." she looked down, "If you want, just say the word, and Juvia will-"

"No need to break me out, Juvia-chan." The blond leaned back against a wall, "The council's falling after Jellal's manipulation, isn't it? Someone will see what I did when I worked with them, my reasons, and, well, I wager probation will happen if I play the waiting game."

"B-But what if you stay here your whole life!?" she asked in utter shock.

"Juvia-chan, it's fine." He smiled softly, "You said dear Ultear-chan's gone, right? And who better to find her than me? Also, what other man could keep crazy guilds under control? Not to mention I know a thing or two about the former council members' dirty laundry."

"W-What if they tried to harm you, then!?" she asked, shocked.

"Not a problem, they couldn't even if they tried." He replied casually, not at all putting her at ease even if he told the truth.

One reason other prisoners and guards didn't go near him or tried to start fights was a failed assassination attempt. Before the hitman was erased from existence with his dark chakra, the blond former inspector's darkest side was shown. He took his time and made everyone understand not to mess with him. Due to that, the guards didn't try to act high and mighty around him.

Casting her eyes down, Juvia continued, "Lucy-san and Scarlet-san have tried to help you, too... Juvia guesses they understand. After all, they saw how much Minerva-chan loves you."

"Children are a pure thing and should remain innocent, but I'm guessing the news affected her." He put down the letters, "How is she holding up?"

"She believes you'll be let out soon, after all, you were the man who saved her." The blue-haired woman then took a pensive look, "And, if Juvia remembers right, there is another girl with pigtails trying to talk to you. But the guards don't let her in due to her being too young and alone."

Sighing tiredly, he nodded, "Now I feel like a neglectful dad. That girl's name's Wendy. Juvia-chan, could you be a dear and make her company?" he gave her a one-eyed smile, "She's cute as a button and rather, if naïve, strong. As a mage, she could use help from you."

"J-Juvia will do so. Is there anything else?" she looked distraught when asking him.

"Please, enjoy yourself." He said warmly, closing both eyes and gaining a foxier appearance, "My current state has put you in a lot of stress. I wouldn't like to see you falling apart because of me."

"Juvia...will try..." she said with lightly flushed cheeks.

It made him feel awful, ' _And here's the reason I am both sad and glad I was never like Madara._ '

Lucy also came to visit.

"Aries...is very unsure how to feel about this." The blonde said, carrying a small box, "But Leo knew you were suspicious, and had a few questions."

Behind her were both spirits, Naruto eyeing them carefully, "Is it about Karen?"

Leo tensed, "Tell me, what happened to her? Did you have anything to do with that?"

Glancing at the sheep girl, the blond sighed, "I would do it again if needed."

A sharp gasp left the two girls while the lion spirit glared, "You bastard!" he grabbed the bars, unsure whether to contain himself or try to rip them off.

"Being honest, I didn't have much of a choice, just like how I have no regrets." He leaned forward, staring at him with one eye open, "Of course, you wouldn't have wanted her dead. You and everyone in Fairy Tail can't bring yourselves to do harm. But that woman could, and she did..." he paused and leaned back, resting against the wall, "If you want the other keys, a woman named Angel – if I recall right – has them."

"Don't change the subject, what did you do to her!?" Leo grew even more furious.

"I looked the other way while she fought a losing battle after tipping her attacker on where to find her." Was Naruto's reply, "All so I could steal her keys. Sadly, no plan can come out as well as one would want it to go, right?" his calm tone was eerie for the girls and infuriating for the lion spirit.

"And what of the reaper?" Aries asked, clasping her hands together.

Naruto looked away from her, "I had an image to maintain...I killed him before summoning you. What you saw was a fake."

"Why!?" Lucy asked, "Why would you lie like that!?"

"All I wanted was a peaceful life, drawing attention to what I can do ruined it as you can see." He sighed and looked up at the ceiling, "Such a shame, really. All that hard work, but..." a soft smile spread on his face, "If I had to do it again, to throw it all away, I guess I would." Chuckling softly, he closed his eyes and went on, "Truthfully, it feels nice to show who and what I am."

"Bastard!" Leo roared, "Fooling us, treating us like your friends, and now this!? Haven't you had enough fun mocking us!?"

"Have I?" he asked, looking him in the eye, "I haven't prided myself in this, I've yet to make a remark about how stupid you were for trusting me. However, while there has been a big temptation, I don't think I can bring myself to do it." He smiled warmly, "As much of a pain as you Fairy Tail guys were, I had fun. Perhaps that's one of the reasons I can never call myself your friend."

Shaking, Leo asked, "Why do you even act like this? Like nothing's wrong. You know what you've done can't be forgiven."

"I wouldn't want you to, it'd make me feel like I'm staring at my former self, and I really despised the guy." He closed both eyes and let out an exhausted groan, "So happy and carefree, and shrugging off betrayals like nothing. If you can't forgive me easily, I'm rather happy. It means you're not as foolish as the man I was part of."

"About that..." Lucy started, "Naruto Uzumaki... Who or what is he?"

"I'm a part of him, that's the best I can say while making sense myself." He replied as politely as he could, "It is complicated. But do know he and I are from another world."

"Is that why you were interested in me, then?" Aries asked, looking dejected.

"Yes, I wanted to see if the spirit world could help me become a whole being, but..." he ruffled his hair, missing his hat, "I would lie if I said I didn't grow fond of you."

"Shut up." Leo said with a low, menacing growl.

"H-He means it..." the sheep girl's words shocked her fellow spirit, "I always figured he was an odd one, but...I could tell he meant everything he said about helping me. That is why, Leo, please do not hate him. He may have been a lie instead of the man we pictured him as, but...I knew that when he cared for us it was real."

"You're too good to me, Aries-chan. I'll always say that." He said while Leo huffed.

"I won't forgive you, know that." He told the man.

"I'd rather you didn't." Naruto replied with a nod before turning to Lucy, "Can you hold them much longer?"

"I-I'm fine, why?" she squeaked.

"Just happy to see you getting stronger." he replied with a warm grin, making the blonde shiver. But then, he looked at her seriously with a single eye open, "If you want to avenge Karen, for whatever chivalrous if unneeded reason... Angel has white hair, a rather silly feather dress with wings, and the Gemini and Scorpio keys, as far as I could see."

"Why are you telling me this?" she felt herself blushing as he smiled brighter.

"Because I think you can be stronger if you try. So I'm betting on you, Lucy-chan."

"Th-thanks..." she got out "Let's go, guys...and here." She gave him the box, which had some freshly baked donuts, instantly making his day.

XXXXXX

Suddenly, one day, Naruto's cell door was bust open, "Uzumaki, please get out quickly."

Looking at the guard with a single half-opened eye, the lazy man sat up, "What's the-" his question was stopped when a set of clothes was thrown his way, his everyday outfit complete with a fully repaired hat. He saw a note, Erza's handwriting and signature saying she had it repaired for him.

"You're needed, Fairy Tail's battling against itself!"

He got up with a grunt, his joints cracking when he rose from the bed, making a point to put his clothes as slowly as possible. The guard tapped his foot urgently as Naruto put on the suit and finally the hat. As agonizingly slow as possible. The guard grew increasingly and visibly more impatient by the second.

"Are you done yet?!" he asked Naruto.

The blond gave him a half-lidded smirk, pulling his hat over his eyes, "Now I am. I just wanted to mess with you a little. You've let me live on your time for a good while now. Did everything when you said, ate when you said, went to sleep when you said, dressed when you said, and shut up when you said. You may know a fraction of how utterly frustrating it was to live on another person's time."

The guard ignored his words, "Get mov-huh!?" he prodded him to get going up until the moment Naruto grabbed his spear, and then twisted it out of his hand with a casual flick of the wrist.

"Now. I suppose I have to fix everything that went wrong, don't I? Joyful times we live indeed." He snickered to himself, his voice whispering, "I guess I'll have to fight Laxus and his little micro guild now. This should be fun~!" He hummed all the way outside, leaving the befuddled guard to stare at him and his spear.

When he picked it up, it slowly fell in two pieces, making him swallow then whisper fearfully to himself, "What a terrifying man to let out…"

XXXXXX

And that's my rap!

I said I tried my best. I'm still not very happy with the result, but there are some parts I'm satisfied with for future plans. See, I wanna test a few things with this fic. On that note, sorry if this comes out as an ass-pull, but I was having too much fun to care. Let's see if I can make it work...

But I know some of you want to get mad and crucify me, so I'll answer some doubts of yours:

 **Why did Naruto just give up his identity!? Did you lose your fucking mind!?** \- Remember, he's not interested in anything but living a peaceful life, yes. However, even he knew he wouldn't be able to keep the lies for long. And when Erza put the massive wrench in his plan that was facing Jellal instead of allowing him to do so with no witnesses, he pretty much said, "Screw it."

 **Such a sudden and unneeded change of pace that ruins everything! Why!?** – Fairy Tail knows he's a crafty fox and will be wary of him, but he still has strong morals. It's good that he tried to not be like Madara. Also, I'd rather do this than keep the lie going. Isn't it better that he confesses and they find out if he fucked up?

 **Naruto should be too powerful for the council to handle! Why do you have him surrender!?** – Because he wants a peaceful life. Having the world chasing him is a thing he wants to avoid. No better way to be safe than accepting rules and laws. Otherwise, he'd have to constantly deal with people coming to kill him, and it'd be too much of a hassle.

 **Attentive reader: Isn't it too early for the parole?** – Yes, and no. See, the council knows Naruto's done bad things and that he could turn on them. However, let's be real and admit that Fairy Tail's council makes no sense. One thing they could do that would be useful is – after Jellal showed he can be a threat to them if they deserve it – see if he's useful to them. That's politics, basically.

 **Concerned reader: Aren't the girls too clingy to Naruto after that revelation?** Yes, but I've shown and have them acknowledge that he never tried to be cruel to them. In spite of how twisted he is, I've shown time and time again that he has his limits and works for a greater good. A greater good that'd benefit him, but still one where he isn't much of a dick.

 **Curious reader: Didn't you say you'd have Jellal face a fate worse than death?** What could be worse than a mental shutdown after learning all you did was for nothing?

 **Incredulous reader: How did Naruto know of Zeref?** He's always done his math, and wants to be a whole being, so looking into Zeref would've scratched that itch.

 **Reader with high expectations: You changed the setting quite a lot like that, what do you even plan to do?** Just know that even if I put effort into what I write, I do what I do for fun. You will have to turn off your brain from time to time. However, I'm hoping to test my skills by creating friction between Naruto and Fairy Tail now that they know how twisted he can be.

Swordslinger out!


End file.
